My story.. 20 months later

I married my high school sweet heart when I was 18 and he left for the Army. We had our ups and downs but always seemed to maintain our love for one another. He deployed to Iraq in 2006 as a combat medic and his Humvee rolled over an IED. His vehicle caught fire so his comrade kicked him in the chest to wake him and my husband dragged his buddies out. This was where the doctors say his traumatic brain injury happened. He came home a year later never quite the same. He woke up in the middle of the night punching the wall because he dreamed of the insurgent chasing him on his base. I woke up another time to find him clearing the room telling me to be quiet that they had found us. This was where the doctors say his post traumatic stress disorder revealed itself. Ten months later my husband deployed to Iraq for another 15 months. This time no major injuries occurred, by the loss of friends he couldn't save, the sight of missing limbs, the smell of burnt bodies, and killing people at close point range are what danced around his head at night. He remembered his number 6 people he had killed, he would ask me if that meant he was a murdered and would often cry himself to sleep over it. We moved again to DC after his second return and he went to a desk job working 16 hour days. We hardly saw one another. He decided he wanted to apply for the army's PA program and asked me to help him make it happen. I helped him he submitted and we waited for 10 months and then he found out he was accepted. I moved to Texas six months early and he followed to start school. It was a struggle but he felt excited about what he was learning and that he was still capable of going to school. It was the physical demands of the school that were hard. One morning he woke up early for a PT test, but what resulted instead was him being waken during a night terror and the anxiety involved led to a seizure. As he was being rushed to the hospital I was at work in a speech and by the time I was finished he was already out of the ER. He told me he thought he was going to die and his first thought was that he wasn't going to be able to tell me good bye. That day my husbands army career ended. He sat at home with nothing to do, with no purpose just waiting for me to get home. My work happens to be more demanding during the holidays and he would get upset and feel neglected over that. He soon turned to website to battle his loneliness which soon turned to meeting a girl online. He said he was just looking for a friend, but what resulted instead was him leaving me on our 9 year wedding anniversary to see his new friend, who quickly became his new girlfriend. The day after that, I confronted him at her house, he told me that he loved her and didn't want to be with me anymore. I drove away knowing that I couldn't force someone to love me and I accepted that we would divorce. Before the day was done my husband came to me telling me that he wasn't ready for a divorce, that he loved me and he was sorry, he was confused and needed time. What my life became over the next year is hard to put into words. I thought by staying, I was proving my love to my husband and I told myself if we survived war we could survive infidelity. He would come see me daily while she was at work and most nights leave to pick her up. They broke up the first time only 3 months in but it was a pattern. By December she was moving to Colorado, giving him the ultimatum to give her a reason to stay and he didn't. She may have left but her phone calls didn't and the stress of coming home and not knowing what to expect became difficult to me. We both decided time apart was best. My husband was medically retired 90% disabled and unable to find a job so he went to stay with his mom for six months in Tennessee. We talked almost daily and he explored the outdoors like he enjoys. She continued to call and demanded he come see her in Colorado. He went for six weeks only as friends he said. I felt that perhaps this would help him determine if he wanted to be with her, as really I only wanted to be happy and the same for him. When she finally told him that she wanted more than a friendship with her he refused to give her that, told her he could only be her friend and he drove away after their fight. He returned back to Tenneessee for some time and in May we met up for two days at the beach. It was wonderful. Full of apologizes and discussions of a life together and how much we loved each other and we drive away from the beach his phone rings, it's her, I'm holding his hand and I let go, and we continue to rest of the drive home in silence. Now he has been home for 4-5 months. Still unemployed he is now going to school but weekly he expresses his desire not to be here in Texas and how he wants to move. She continues to text and call and for now it seems a life with him means dealing with that. He is scared of her reaction if he tells her we are together, scared that she will send a friend to our house, scared of what she is capable of. He is so confused about his feelings for me. One day he will tell me how much he loves me and how compatible we are and talk about plans for the future then three days later he will tell me he is struggling to have loving feelings for me again, but he is trying. That he feels we aren't compatible and that he really cares about my well being and loves me like a best friend but he misses passion between us. He finds me attractive and beautiful but his heart is no longer in marriage- he feels it's controlling and unnecessary and he is unable to guarantee me a forever with him. He doesn't understand how if we divorce, that it means I won't be on his life. Our marriage counselor says he is unable to turn that switch back on to experience loving feelings because of the trauma he experienced. That he does love me, but not in the way I want him to. Yesterday he told me he feels we should be on our own, that what he is putting me through is not fair and I deserve better. Then he goes on to say he is trying to get his loving feelings back for me and that he feels them often but other times he feels nothing. He gets upset with me when I say either you want me or you don't, he said it's not that simple. He expresses how torn he is, how confused and how he hates our life here. I feel I can't be vulnerable with him because in the end he is just going to leave. We will start to feel like a team again and then something will happen and I'm reminded that we aren't there yet. I fear that we will always be in this state of confusion. I was worth commitment at 18 but now it seems I'm not. He can't guarantee me forever, all he can offer is taking things one day at a time because "he doesn't have a crystal ball, he can't read the future." We have no children, only dogs, we are both 29 and this January will be our 11 year anniversary. He had decided that he will give us a shot until December, but for me I feel that he shouldn't waste my time if he wants to be on his own, but of course he isn't so sure that what he wants. Everyone tells me and him that one day, the answers will come, that you will wake up and know what you need to do and it will all make sense. I'm not so sure that will ever happen here. Is there any hope for my husband and I? Or am I just too naive to realize when your husband no longer wants you and it's time to walk away? Am I buying into a fairy tale that doesn't really exist?