my story...

you know what im just gunna post it, all of it...my life, i geuss it hasnt been that bad but here it is...when i was 3 or 4 years old, this is one of my earlyest memorys. i rember being in my step brothers room, in his bed. he was probly 8 (his name was josh), i didnt have any pants on or anything he was next to me. and he did stuff to me, touched me...did things i dont think and 8 yr old should know...i said i didnt wanna and he said i had to cuz he did it to me, so i did. idk exactly how many times it happened but this is the one i rember the most...he had 4 sisters and me 2 brothers so in total there were 10 living in the house no one paid much attention to me but he did so i didnt tell...my brother was a year older than me, i slept over his freinds with him once. and they both kinda did stuff with me, i dont think they knew exactly what they were doing but i thought it was ok because of what josh was doing...around the time my mom was with josh we went to this church, and there was this girl probly a year younger than me. my mom had slaped me alot...idk why, i dont think there was a reson but stress taken out on me...anyway i hit this little girl, for over a year. i had told her not to cry and she didnt, i could see the hurt in her eyes. she fought with her father one day in the parking lot, she didnt want to come into the church cuz she knew i was there. i really didnt know what i was doing and it still hurts me today that i did to her...my mom was amrried to joshs dad till i was 4....the abuse stoped from me and to me, i havent seen josh or the little girl since...well saw josh once or twice on the street.  we went to live with my nana, her mom sevral times i think once was after the divorce (i think we lived with her before my mom married joshs dad, my parents split when i was 1) but anyway i have alot of blank spots in my memory for really no reson...but i rember liveing with my nana when she was sick, she had cancer so this was the last few years of her life. i was really close to her, when i was 8 there was a girl in my second grade class who was like my bff but i went over her house one day...i started to tell her about josh...theres more but im not ready to say it just yet....i hurt her, i think u get it from that anyway. but when i was 8 1/2 ambie 9 my nana died. we got kicked from our house cuz it was in nanas name, we moved in to a small house and my mom became a drunk. she drank a bottle of wine a night, she yelled alot this was the first time she ever called me a shit head...i lost my respect for her. she hit my oldest brother jeff with a metal spoon and scared the crap outa him. but aside that we moved again, i met this girl at school who was really nice and she became my like best freind. but i told her what happened with josh cuz i trusted her, she did stuff to me to...we were 10, id dint like it but i stayed her freind, she stole from me, had her freinds gang up on me. but i stayed her freind. eventuly my mom introduced us to jack, her bf soon he was deported to ireland and we moved over there to, i made a good freind and it was OK i was still bullied alot as i was my whole life but it was ok with my freind. (i was still 10) then when i was 11 my mom found out she was preg and we moved back here so she could have the baby. jade was born when i was 12 and i was soooo happy i had always wanted a little sister. when she was a few months old we moved back to ireland, my freinds there disabandon me and i was by myself. my mom become very emotionaly abuseive to me and so did jack and my brother james, (jeff stayed in the usa) my other brother james however came with us. he started useing me as a punching bag, not a day went by i was not covered in brusies from him. i made a couple of freinds for a little while then they left for no reson and it broke me. i sat by myself all the time, talked to no one. no one talked ot me unless they were makeing fun of me. i got depressed and started to cutt, i was suiciel. my mom found a suicide note in my room and never did anything... i started going to school 3 days a week, i would stay in my room the other days..pretend to be sick...i started smokeing and drinking to try and numb the pain...it ddint work...i was offred drugs once by some older people i hung out with, i said no cuz i had to go home about 5 min later...some time i wish i had accepted...when i was was 13 my bro jeff said his gf was preg and my mom was also kinda depresseed over there so she used that as an excuse to come back. we moved back to the usa april-08. i washappy for a while but i snak back into my hole of depression...my neice lilly was born may-31-08..it was so amazeing!!! right now i live in a great town go to a great school but i am failing every class cuz of the depression i cant consinrate on anything...thats where i am now i geuss, i left out a couple things i am to ashamed to admit...but i wanted to put this down...i know i rambled a bit in some places, but this is it....i think i forgot to put a death in....but thats not very important, tramatic but i geuss but ask if i wanna know about it....i hope i didnt make it to long..