My story

My name is Tina, I am 32 years old.  I was sexually abused as a child. Afterwards I got into drugs, bad choices, bad friends, bad karma, Whatever!  I was forcibly raped at 19.  I went on a drug run with an acquaintance, I went to the bathroom, I came out, the acquaintance was gone and I was left for the dealer in exchange for calling his debt even.  I was raped for hours.  I blocked it and the child sexual abuse for a long time; thought I didn't need to think about it.  Pretend it never happened and it would go away.  It came back loud and clear recently, in intense nightmares and flashbacks; I am attempting to not be afraid of everything.  I've suffered a sort of breakdown and I hope to find some semblance of peace
 

Replies

ct291302
ct291302

I am going to find a psychiatrist, I am going to try medication, I am going to do everything in my power to save myself, because I AM NOT OKAY!!! There is more to life than pain, there is more to me than abuse and sex. I am loveable, I am worth saving!
ct291302
ct291302

Mother, It was not my fault! I did not want sex at fourteen, I was raped by a horrible and disgusting man. I did not do anything to deserve this. I did not flirt and lead him on; I didn\'t ask for it. I was a child, I told him NO, and he didn\'t stop, he was a disgusting pervert. It is not my fault, it is not my fault, it is not my fault, IT IS NOT MY FAULT!!!!!!!! I kept quiet because of fear and shame and because I was too young and niiave to know what to do. He would tell me it was my fault, that I would get into trouble, that he would never see his kids again. He would cry or threaten me. I lived in hell for months and you still want me to accept partial responsibility for what? Was I responsible for being born, or being female, or maybe it was for being easy pray, or being afraid. I was fourteen! Go to Hell!
deleted_user
deleted_user

Scream the rage! You never deserved that treatment and did nothing wrong! The one who did the crime is the one who is wrong--you were in wrong place at wrong time... if not you, he would\'ve abused some other helpless kid.
*safehugs* so sorry for your pain but proud of you for stepping up to advocate for yourself and seek healing! Takes great courage!
ct291302
ct291302

Have to fight....the other way leads to darkness and death.... and even the sad and abused don\'t want that. I can scream only in pen and type...my voice gets choked off with emotion so fast...thank you so much for the encouragement..it helps me feel less alone
deleted_user
deleted_user

You were a child. You have no responsibility or accountability. Children are defenseless against predators. Speak to your inner child, (as I do) and give her the reassurance that she was not responsible. Feel the anger, you have every right to be angry. I use to be so mad at God. I wanted his vengence right away but I had to learn that he works on a different time table than I do. When I finally saw that He had grander, more diabolical consequences than I could have ever imagined than I finally learned to start trusing him. Some punishments came decades later. That is hard to accept when you are in pain but if I had only known that God was working on my behalf, I would have held up better. I hope this helps and I am so sorry that these things happened to you.

I send all my love dear one. You are lovable. You are sweet and deserving of so much tender care. I am learning how to give myself the things that life is not giving me. Love to myself, care to myself, appreciation to myself. You deserve to give the very best to yourself everyday.