My story

My Story   This is posted in many groups. I just wanted everyone to know about me. I have finally gotten some courage up to write. Sorry, this will be long. I’ve been on here awhile so I think it’s time I told my story. After reading many posts, maybe not enough, I haven’t really seen anyone as bad off as I am. I was molested as a child, only parts I remember. I had to grow up fast, dad worked day shift and mom worked nights so someone would always be home with us kids. We never had any money, but I know that is not my parents fault as they were trying, they were working, it was just hard times. I took over the mom role pretty much, because since my mom was working nights, someone had to take care of us children and my dad was always getting drunk with his friends, so I would come home from school, get dinner done unless my dad was sober enough to do it, get my brothers ready for bed, do dishes, clean the living room, do laundry, whatever needed to be done. Then, I would do my homework, go to bed, get up for school and do it again. I remember I did have some childhood but a lot of it was doing that. I always did what I was told and never spoke up at all. Met my husband through a guy I met online. He was my husbands jui jitsu teacher at the time. He introduced us and we hit it off. We were about 15 then. During high school, I worked, did my homework and repeated every day. I joined cheerleading, on top of having a job, because it was what I loved at the time, still kind of do, but since we didn’t have money, it was getting better but still not enough to get me into a sport, I had to pay for everything myself. After high school, I joined the army, because I thought that is what everyone wanted me to do, I wanted everyone to be proud of me. I basically passed basic training, I just never finished my final pt. There was a lot going on at home and I was getting depressed on top of not being able to finish my run because half way through it my back would begin hurting and eventually start numbing my legs. They put me on some muscle relaxers and pain killers and someone told the drill sergeant they thought I was suicidal so I had to sleep in the ds office for like the next week so they could make sure I wouldn’t kill myself. That didn’t help the depression at all, but I never once said I wanted to kill myself. They even sent me to a psychiatrist to evaluate me and I told her I am too afraid of dying to do that. So anyways, I get discharged from the army and come back home. I move in with my husband at his parents since they had more room for us and we lived there for about 6 months till we got up enough money and found a place on our own. I’m not sure when the cheating started, I just know it was around the time we got our own place. I think the first time was when I was driving home from my moms and some guy in a car next to me started flirting with me, we exchanged numbers and eventually met up and had sex. Fast forward a bit, hubby is asking for a threesome, he’s a guy, works at a club part time, they have stories, he wants to know what it’s like. So I say sure, find a girl. I think I felt guilty for cheating on him in the first place so I was going to do this for him. He found a girl at work, brought her to my job to pick me up one day, we all went home and you can see where it’s going from there. She ended up moving in with us, our mistake, and she became like a live in girlfriend. Him and her both worked the same shift and that was opposite of me, so I started getting jealous that he was gonna leave me for her so I told them no more sex at all ever. So they stopped. We finally had to get out of that place to get her to get out on her own so we moved in with my parents. (mind  you, lots of stuff has gone on between all this, losing jobs, money, bills, stress in general) So we live there a little while, maybe a couple years and he’s working as a bouncer in a strip club. The DJ there tells him he and his wife and her daughter and sister have a 4 bedroom apt that they have a bedroom open and would we like to live there. We say sure, anything to get out of parents house. So we move in and its great for awhile. The dj and his wife are swingers so hubby and I talk about having an open relationship just to see what it’s like. Long story short about that, he is too shy to do anything so nothing happens with him. I, on the other hand, find no problem in it and have I forget how many. I never told him about my trysts cause I didn’t want to hurt his feelings but when he found out about them, he blows up on me, he didn’t like the fact that I lied to him about them. He didn’t care about the sex, just the lies. So we break up, he goes to his parents, I go to mine. We are broken up about a week or two but we are still talking and seeing each other and having sex. We get back together and work through things. I end up pregnant. We have our son and things are going great for awhile. Then, about thanksgiving of last year, I started looking to cheat again. The previous year had been hell on me. I almost died after having our son, we got married a week after I got out of the hospital, then three weeks later my uncle dies from a massive heart attack, then three weeks after that, my grandfather dies, then two weeks after him, my uncle who died, his dad dies. Bad bad year. Come thanksgiving of that year, this is 2007 by the way, my mom goes to the er for stomach pain. Ends up being a perforated ulcer, bleeding into her intestines and she has to go to emergency surgery. I am at work and still have 3 hours till my end of shift and where I work you can’t leave until you are relieved, I am in the medical field, so I’m frantically trying to get someone to come in for me and finally I get to leave about  1 ½ hr later. By then, they are taking her into surgery so I go pick up my son from daycare to take him to my brother to watch but they are not home so I take him to the hospital with me and my other uncle is there. Says she has been in surgery and they aren’t sure how much longer. So we wait and I try to be strong. Finally they come out say she’s not coming out of her anesthesia and has a machine breathing for her, so I think she’s gonna die too. She’s on the machine for about a week and finally starts getting better. She’s out of the hospital now, doing good, but I still worry about her a lot. So anyways, I started looking to cheat again. Not sure what caused it at first but as I got along, I realized when I was super super stressed, I would cheat. All of you who have porn addictions, or spouses have porn addictions, or you think your spouse or yourself is a sex addict because you cheated once or twice, prepare yourself. I think I am the most horrible person. I have cheated on my husband over 18 times over the course of our 11 year relationship! I know how bad I have hurt him, I see it, I hear it in his words and only this past time did it finally sink in for me. After I had my son, I swore I would never do that again, I did not want to lose my family, my son, my husband. But it happened again. That’s what addiction does to you. It takes over and controls you. Nothing else matters except getting that next fix to feel better. Even now, after all this, I do still feel like doing it but I stop myself, I write my journals, I talk to my husband, just to get the stress off of me because I know that is my trigger and being molested at such a young age (6) leaves you to think that you are a horrible person and the only way to get people to like you, is sex. Tonight my husband wanted to have sex. He wanted to have sex last night too but I was exhausted from work as was he so we went to sleep. Tonight, I think I’m just depressed lately so I’m not really feeling it. If there are stages to recovery, I think I’m in depression . I feel so horrible of what I did to my husband, my family. I am in therapy for the third time, hoping this one finally does it for me. Any time I read something he wrote about how he feels, it depresses me. I hate myself for what happened. I know I chose to do it but really, I wasn’t thinking then, as most addicts don’t, like I said, you do what you do for that next fix. But then he makes comments. I feel because I have a sex problem, I HAVE to have sex with him any and every time. If I don’t, he makes comments, oh you can just get some when I’m at work, or you are just probably saving yourself for someone else. That hurts me. Yeah, I know I cheated but still. He never suspected it. I was always home when he was, doing what I should to be a good wife, I never didn’t have sex with him to have sex with someone else and it’s not like I was sleeping with someone else every day. Yes, I know, it’s horrible, but I’m just writing what I feel right now. Tonight though, I am not feeling well, I think just depression, but I hate my body, I can’t see how my husband can be so attracted to me. I think from what happened to me when I was younger, I was made to think I was awful and ugly. I can look at pictures of me and say I don’t look like that, but how can I not, it’s a picture of me? He’s going to the gym everyday and eating better making himself look good so that the next time I cheat, he has the confidence that he can find another girl. I am determined to not let this happen again. That is why I am on here writing my story. Before, when I would feel low like this, I would go online and find someone to boost my ego, tell me I’m beautiful, listen to their every lie and do whatever it took to keep them telling me those lies. Again, sorry this is so long, I just needed to go somewhere people might understand and hopefully not get too bashed for being such a horrible person.  Thanks for reading if you made it this far and I’m sorry if it’s all over the place. My mind is going about a mile a minute right now. Dawn