my story...
you know what im just gunna post it, all of it...my life, i geuss it hasnt been that bad but here it is...when i was 3 or 4 years old, this is one of my earlyest memorys. i rember being in my step brothers room, in his bed. he was probly 8 (his name was josh), i didnt have any pants on or anything he was next to me. and he did stuff to me, touched me...did things i dont think and 8 yr old should know...i said i didnt wanna and he said i had to cuz he did it to me, so i did. idk exactly how many times it happened but this is the one i rember the most...he had 4 sisters and me 2 brothers so in total there were 10 living in the house no one paid much attention to me but he did so i didnt tell...my brother was a year older than me, i slept over his freinds with him once. and they both kinda did stuff with me, i dont think they knew exactly what they were doing but i thought it was ok because of what josh was doing...around the time my mom was with josh we went to this church, and there was this girl probly a year younger than me. my mom had slaped me alot...idk why, i dont think there was a reson but stress taken out on me...anyway i hit this little girl, for over a year. i had told her not to cry and she didnt, i could see the hurt in her eyes. she fought with her father one day in the parking lot, she didnt want to come into the church cuz she knew i was there. i really didnt know what i was doing and it still hurts me today that i did to her...my mom was amrried to joshs dad till i was 4....the abuse stoped from me and to me, i havent seen josh or the little girl since...well saw josh once or twice on the street. we went to live with my nana, her mom sevral times i think once was after the divorce (i think we lived with her before my mom married joshs dad, my parents split when i was 1) but anyway i have alot of blank spots in my memory for really no reson...but i rember liveing with my nana when she was sick, she had cancer so this was the last few years of her life. i was really close to her, when i was 8 there was a girl in my second grade class who was like my bff but i went over her house one day...i started to tell her about josh...theres more but im not ready to say it just yet....i hurt her, i think u get it from that anyway. but when i was 8 1/2 ambie 9 my nana died. we got kicked from our house cuz it was in nanas name, we moved in to a small house and my mom became a drunk. she drank a bottle of wine a night, she yelled alot this was the first time she ever called me a shit head...i lost my respect for her. she hit my oldest brother jeff with a metal spoon and scared the crap outa him. but aside that we moved again, i met this girl at school who was really nice and she became my like best freind. but i told her what happened with josh cuz i trusted her, she did stuff to me to...we were 10, id dint like it but i stayed her freind, she stole from me, had her freinds gang up on me. but i stayed her freind. eventuly my mom introduced us to jack, her bf soon he was deported to ireland and we moved over there to, i made a good freind and it was OK i was still bullied alot as i was my whole life but it was ok with my freind. (i was still 10) then when i was 11 my mom found out she was preg and we moved back here so she could have the baby. jade was born when i was 12 and i was soooo happy i had always wanted a little sister. when she was a few months old we moved back to ireland, my freinds there disabandon me and i was by myself. my mom become very emotionaly abuseive to me and so did jack and my brother james, (jeff stayed in the usa) my other brother james however came with us. he started useing me as a punching bag, not a day went by i was not covered in brusies from him. i made a couple of freinds for a little while then they left for no reson and it broke me. i sat by myself all the time, talked to no one. no one talked ot me unless they were makeing fun of me. i got depressed and started to cutt, i was suiciel. my mom found a suicide note in my room and never did anything... i started going to school 3 days a week, i would stay in my room the other days..pretend to be sick...i started smokeing and drinking to try and numb the pain...it ddint work...i was offred drugs once by some older people i hung out with, i said no cuz i had to go home about 5 min later...some time i wish i had accepted...when i was was 13 my bro jeff said his gf was preg and my mom was also kinda depresseed over there so she used that as an excuse to come back. we moved back to the usa april-08. i washappy for a while but i snak back into my hole of depression...my neice lilly was born may-31-08..it was so amazeing!!! right now i live in a great town go to a great school but i am failing every class cuz of the depression i cant consinrate on anything...thats where i am now i geuss, i left out a couple things i am to ashamed to admit...but i wanted to put this down...i know i rambled a bit in some places, but this is it....i think i forgot to put a death in....but thats not very important, tramatic but i geuss but ask if i wanna know about it....i hope i didnt make it to long..
Replies
i made a mistake on the first part i said my mom was with josh, he was with josh\'s dad*
You have been thru alot and your only 14.I was abused emotionaly and phycialy. Almost the same way you were only no sexual abuse. My dad would literaly throw me around, up against walls so fast it would make your head spin. I had black eyes etc. But the kicker was how I was talked to 24hrs a day.I was the low life .He once made me sit on the floor board of the car because I was not worthy of sitting in the seat. My bff was with us at the time ,I was so embarrassed. I could tell you horror stories. He was an alcoholic with a temper. My bros and sis did the same to me it was the family dynamics. They took out crap on me. But Im here and not giving up. Back in my day there were no anti-depressantes. Go to your Doc and tell him your story, no Doc , go to the school nurse and talk to her,maybe she can put you in contact with a clinic. You also need counseling. You have been thru alot and you need to vent and have good guidance.Depression is anger turned in to ones self. Your a beautiful young lady that did NOT deserve what you got, get the help you deserve.. bless you tryingtoforget I will be praying for you..
My heart goes out 2 you you suffered so much, and all i can say God was with you & he still is, whenever you get a chance get away from your family all they do is hurt you & thats not fair to you. As your so called friends they wasnt your friends in the beginning they all played on you of u needing help & they didnt care so I pray that you find more positive, god-fearing folks 2 be aroound they care 4 you more than the world. I been there and its not a good place 2 be in.
thanx jude...i went to the school social worker she hasnt helped me though
you\'ve been through a lot...i can\'t even imagine living through all of that. i really just want to tell you that its not your fault. some of that you kind of made it to sound like it was...but i promise, it wasn\'t your fault.
it\'ll bet better...i think you\'ll be a lot happier once you can get away from your family.
i can understand why it might\'ve been hard to keep friends when you were growing up, with all the moves and how you were being treated at home. good friends are important though, they give you someone to talk to and relate to. if you ever need a friend or someone to talk to, i\'m here. i hope everything works out for you.
thanx allie..
you have been though so much
I am sorry for all you have had to go through in your life. You are so very strong to have gotten through it all. Remember you are a strong beautiful person, and you deserve to heal and feel safe. I am a survivor of physical abuse, sexual abuse, and rape...I understand how hopeless you feel. If you ever need to vent to someone or talk feel free to message me. Take gentle care.
Hi Sweetie,
Your life has been such a difficult one so far. I can truly understand your pain. My life was riddled with all kinds of abuse from my family and I\'ve had the same experiences with a sibling and his friends as well. I felt so ashamed for a very long time about it and now that I\'m older, I can look back and see how I just carried out what I learned from others. It took time to relearn what was appropriate and what wasn\'t. It took time to figure out who might make a better friend from those who would use and abuse me. Mostly I learned this by continuing to learn from my experiences and by reaching out for help like you are doing.
I understand why you started cutting and drinking. I also understand why it doesn\'t help. Nothing can really kill this kind of pain except time away from the experience and some good therapy.
You mentioned that the school nurse hasn\'t really helped. I don\'t know if you told her about all the abuse or not or if you only shared the part about being depressed. In the beginning for me, I only shared about being depressed and got the same results - NILL. I know it has to be scary for you since you still live at home. Are you still feeling suicidal? There is a national suicide hotline number that you can call. It will be in the beginning of your phone book. There should also be some hotlines on the same page for abuse. It really is important you get the proper care because I would hate to see anything worse happen to you or for you to stop caring about yourself. I care about you and I see others do too by their responses. Keep writing and see if there is a way to forgive yourself. None of this was your fault. There is still plenty of hope for you. I know this. Feel free to write me any time. I will get back to you asap. If I\'m away from home because of work or whatever, I will write when I get home.
Prayer for strength also helps. I don\'t know if you still believe in God or not but if you can pray regardless for the strength to just make it through today, eventually, you will put enough today\'s together until you have a safer and more caring place to be.
Please know that you are not stupid too just because you are failing your classes. That is merely a side effect of having to live the life you were born into. Getting the proper help can change that.
Keep your chin up girl. It\'s all going to be okay in the end.
thanx guys...crow yeah i only told her about the depression, idk what she would do if i told her about the rest. thanx again....
I understand about not telling the guidance counselor about the abuse and yet that may be the only way she will take action. She needs to by law report it. If it\'s handled well, they\'ll take you out of there and get you in another home. This is not easy to handle necessarily. If it\'s not handled well, it could lead to more stress and abuse at home. I wish it wasn\'t such a toss up. I wish there was some kind of guarantee that seeking out help would get you what you need without the possibility of making anything worse.
Keep hanging in there and consider the risks and benefits of letting the guidance counselor know exactly what is and has gone on. If it\'s too hard to say, you could always let her read what you wrote online. It was very clear and to the point. I hope you keep writing because I want to be there for you and because sometimes it\'s the one thing that will get you through another day.
Keep up the excellent progress. There is no shame here for you.
Hope to hear back soon.
Crow
well i cant really be taken away cuz i dont live with jades dad or my brother anymore and moms emotional abuse is not that bad anymore right?
-cc
I am so sorry that all this has happened to you. I want you to know how much we care about you!
You are constantly in our thoughts & prayers.
HUGS Susan
My heart goes out to you. I know how much you are hurting Sweetie. I care about you and love you so much. You are always in my thoughts and prayers.
Comforting HUGS, Teresa
*hugs* thanx guys