My Specialist Doctor Appointment Today
I went to the specialist doctor today – a uro-gynocologist. I came in and she said she’s anxious to hear all about it. I smiled and told her I’m glad it’s over. She was very nice, friendly, bubbly and easy to talk to. I told her by her name I thought she was a nice Catholic lady and she had an awesome accent. I asked her where she was from – Australia. She asked me how old she is and I said about 50. “Oh, OK,” my therapist replied. She asked me how it feels now that I went. Very good – like a relief. I even went to the park to walk before coming here and that was very good. And later I even told her I told this doctor how she made it easier for me because it’s not something that’s easy to talk about. My therapist told me she’s like that because she deals with this every day. Right.
OK … now to what she said. I told her that she examined me – catharsized me. My protein is fine, I don’t have blood or an infection in my urine. That was good. She wrote all of this down. She had me go to the bathroom before and said there was only a couple drops. I empty my bladder fine. I told my therapist again how I knew that – I don’t have any problems doing that. I even said that when she looked on my sheets and saw I wake up to go around the one o’clock hour, she asked if it’s always like that and how many times I go during the night. Once? Twice? I told her sometimes once or twice and sometimes none. Here was my perfect time to tell her but I couldn’t. But … her next question was if I’ve ever had problems with bedwetting. I just said yes and I didn’t have to go into anything and that was great. I didn’t have to tell her when or how often or anything. My therapist just listened and wrote.
I told her about the encephalitis and she said maybe but there’s no way to test for that. This is how it works. It’s nerves from the brain. You have nerves there and in the bladder and muscles in the bladder. The brain signals the bladder and with me my nerves in my bladder happen too soon and that’s when I get the spasms. If the spasms are too strong that’s when I go to the bathroom. Later I said how that other guy from that workshop (I signed up again for this year) said the opposite about it having to do with the brain and signals. I commented that she should know. My therapist said something like she should but it’s only her thoughts.
She checked my muscles and had me hold tight and she said they were weak. I told my therapist maybe I wasn’t trying hard enough. She just said that it makes sense with the combination. She diagnosed me as overactive bladder. I don’t have a fallen bladder. She said with c-sections it’s highly unlikely.
So what I am doing is good. Drinking more to expand my bladder and trying to wait as long as I can. She nodded like she knows that’s what I’ve been trying to do and like a confirmation from her. Later my therapist said it’s good to do this at home. I know but I didn’t say more. This is all bladder training and there is something in addition I can do. It’s kind of a pain because you feel like you’re always going to the bathroom. I went on to explain she said to go to the bathroom all the time every hour on the hour. Do this for a week and then increase it to an hour and 15 minutes and keep going until you’re up to 3-4 hours.
She asked me if I’ll do that. I can but it’s a pain to have to do. She said I do that anyway (go hourly). She actually said this twice today. I said sometimes it’s longer in defense of myself. I said what if I’m out. Then I answered my own question with I would just go anyway. She asked me about nighttime? Nighttime? Do I have to do this during the night? No.
I pointed out about the computer classes I’m taking. She asked if at the library by my house. Yes. She said there are nice bathrooms right there. Just to leave half way through. I questioned it. I even said I’ll be missing things. She said it’s Ok and I’m quick. I know I’m making excuses. She told me I’m making this harder than it is. I know. I think too much sometimes and I have to stop doing that. But I don’t like surprises and want to be prepared for things ahead of time.
At some point during this my cell rang. I answered it. When I hung up she could tell it was my husband. She thought it was nice he called to check to see how the appointment was. I told him I was with her and said I’d tell him later. When I hung up I said how she could tell by the ringtone – “Stand By Your Man.” She nodded. I went on to say my youngest is “Doodling Banjos”, my middle son “Take Me Out To The Ballgame” and my daughter “Her Name” but that doesn’t work for some reason.
Then I told her there’s a needle thing I could do but it takes a time commitment. It’s once a week, for 30 minutes, for 12 weeks. They put a needle in your leg and it has to do with some nerves up to your pelvic floor or bladder. She asked like acupuncture? Yes, I thought so. She’s a big believer in acupuncture. She had arthroscopic surgery on her knee 20 years ago and it started bothering her again. She went to a chiropractor who did this to avoid further surgery and it’s fine now.
I told her it only works 70-75% of the time. And I don’t know if it’s an ongoing thing or if it has to be done every so often. Or, if it’s a cure. And it may hurt or become irritated. She said it something to find out more about. But if it was her, she said I know her, she’d do it! She commented she didn’t recommend surgery. No. And as far as medicines go I told her she said since the other ones didn’t work, others probably won’t either. They are in the same family. She’d give me some but they might not work either. Also the cysts on my kidneys and then gone she said that happens and it was probably nothing and not to warrant any more cat scans. That’s good to hear.
The Kegels aren’t as helpful for me because I don’t have stress incontinence – I have the urge. The best for me is when I have to go to just do one long Kegel to hold one which is what I do now. She nodded. I know I’ve told my therapist that before. I asked her about medicines for the brain (neurological) and she said there aren’t any. It’s working with the bladder itself.
Most people hold 500cc and I hold 25 or 50cc mostly. But when I drink more I can hold more. She asked me about being honest on my sheet – was it the truth? I said yes. Sort of, she questioned. I guess she was talking about those numbers and the fact that I admitted to her I wasn’t being honest. But the fact that I can hold more (maybe not to the 400-500 when most people go) is good. So that what I’m doing to expand my bladder is working.
She asked me if I told her about the psychological stuff. No, not really. But she did ask if anything makes it worse. I told her worry or being cold and she told me that’s for anyone. But, no, I didn’t tell her about seeing a counselor or anything like that. She asked me if she said anything about products? No. So that was about the end of talking about this. We got some answers and things ruled out she pointed out as she went through some reading her notes. I said how we don’t know if it’ll go away or not. Or if I’ll just have to live with it. She nodded. She also pointed out about what I brought in (that article) about not going a lot and I added or going too much preventatively. That wouldn’t work either to help me.
The next thing I started talking about was my grandson and how what happened the other night really bothered me. She asked me what bothered me most. I started by telling her what happened how he came in upset wanting to do a cub scout thing and waiting on the window seat for his Uncle. During it he was Ok. I lead it, like always, and my kids made fun of me “passing over” so quickly. Even my daughter commented about me skipping. But my kids were very well in reading both and following along.
So after dinner we made a track and I reminded her about the hotel they made the other night. And my grandson got mad at his sister and stomped on it and ruined it. And when he went into the bathroom why would he do what he did? She said that with kids sometimes the only thing they do have control over in their bodily functions and it’s their way of showing it by doing it on purpose. She knew that’s what bothered me the most. And my daughter’s boyfriend saying he has to go home in his wet clothes. No – I know what that’s like. I didn’t care. I wouldn’t let that happen.
When I went in I didn’t even say anything about him going to the bathroom. I got a towel and cleaned it up and told him it’s not OK to act out like that. It’s OK to be mad and talk about it. I did get him a bag and told him to put his clothes in it. I wanted him to take responsibility for some of it and not think I’ll do it all. But then he acted out again soon and I left. I didn’t want anything to do with it anymore. And my granddaughter follows me like a magnet.
I talked to my daughter later that night and again in the morning. She talked to him and asked if he was mad at Nana? No. At his sister? Yes. The same he told me when I took him to services. She hogs me. I try to be with both. Even when I was on the floor taping the track together. But she’s physically all over me.
I pointed out that’s I’m the one that went into him. I took him outside earlier away from the situation. I also said that anytime he wants to talk to me about anything he can. She pointed out that parents come in to her saying they want their kids to talk. But kids can’t. You have to reach them on their level and work with them. She pointed out that I’m so good at that with my grandkids. I know how to do that. She said kids just get into a state that their mind doesn’t function right. They don’t know how to. And you can’t tell them to talk about things because they don’t know how to do that. I pointed out that even adults – me – if someone told me to talk I wouldn’t. Right she told me.
She said how my daughter needs to as well – get on his level and work with him. Maybe take him away for a while like I did. Maybe her boyfriend and daughter go home and we take them home later. And not let her boyfriend because we know it makes it worse. She said “If it were me, I wouldn’t let my fiancée do those things to my kids!” She said to talk to her. I told her I think she does for a father figure he doesn’t have. And when he screams at him in his face that’s not good. I added it teaches kids you can do that. Right. She said you have to be on a calm level with them.
I told her that he’s going to be with his Dad on Sunday just from 9 – 5. I’m guessing just to show him off. But I’m afraid for him. I’m hoping it’ll be OK since he’ll be around a lot of people. And – he better bring him back! She asked if I’ll be involved in this. No, unless he drops him off at my house and I’m not wanting that. She commented that I don’t want to see him. No I don’t!
I told her and showed her my granddaughters picture her Dad texted me today. I had her read what it says. It was that she wanted her Nana to have this picture. I told her it was nice to be thought about since when she’s at her Mom’s I never know. Kids are in the here and now. It’s nice to know I mean so much to her. My therapist told me I mean a lot to both my grandkids. I know, I do.
Which lead me to my son who doesn’t care. Monday night we called him to wish him a Happy and how we miss him. I put him on speaker phone and we left him a message saying that and everyone said their name (my other son didn’t think we needed to do that but we did anyway). I told him to call me back when he can. He hasn’t and I’ve tried to get him a few times and haven’t been able to. She said about boys that age finding themselves and then coming back later maybe when they have a wife and kids (if he does, I said).
And, I was looking at his special tape last night and how sweet he was and wonder if he appreciates family and all we had back then. Guess who was dancing? Of course me (it’s in my blood!), my cousin and her daughter, my daughter and that son. And my daughter and he were dancing together and really having fun. Now he won’t even call her. My family is close but my husband’s isn’t and I’m afraid he’ll be like that. She said maybe they grew up like that and my kids didn’t. No. My kids were close - they even slept together!
During talking about my son I needed to go to the bathroom. I told her and just went on talking and so did she. At a point I asked her how long it’s been and she said at least five minutes. It was getting harder but I just kept going. By another couple minutes I really made a face. “Sorry,” I told her. “That’s OK.” I tried more but was really struggling and more wincing and she asked me nodding her head yes, “Do you want to go now?” I said yes and went. Came back and just continued where we left off.
I told her I was in a situation this week where there was a locked door and I had to remember what to do. She wanted me to tell her about it. It was at the dentist. I got up and needed to go to the bathroom. I didn’t feel it when I was laying down. I told the girl I was going to go to the bathroom first before I checked out with her. The bathroom was right there. The door was locked and she even commented about it. So I tried to just talk to her. I know her and we talk all the time. I was just getting to that panicky feeling and almost said something and the person came out. I was lucky. She said I had to remember what to do and it worked. Yes, and luckily she was not in there long.
So she quickly switched all subjects and said she’d like to, next time, start talking about my Mom. To bring in pictures and things of hers or what she made or gave me. Good or bad? I asked. Right. I said how when I was watching the video last night I saw the behaviors of what she and my cousins do. I had said earlier how many people have even died. It was 12 years ago. I said I would. I also told her about the new girl at the hairdresser who I forgot to bring a picture of her to (I think she was good with her at another place where my Mom had a lot of problems getting her hair cut and such) and she’s like me and we got to talking.
Just before we ended I mentioned again about tomorrow. I had told her earlier that my husband and I will go somewhere a few hours away. She remembered we like our day trips. I said like here we go again and commented that I guess I just have to be prepared but I didn’t say how. She nodded yes. And just before I left she said it’s with him and he’s understanding. Well, sort of. He isn’t and then I point it out to him and then he is.
I left picking up the sheet with all the times this month to get her paid. I looked at the odd number and thought it was strange. She said I can do my own calculations at 59.00 each (9 for this month). She looked outside and saw my massage therapists car and said she’s here. I went and she wasn’t in her room yet. When my therapist came out in the hall I said how she must be still coming in. She said she is – she just saw her coming in outside. So I sat down in the massage therapist’s room, my therapist went into the bathroom, my massage therapist came, my therapist got her next client, my massage therapist went to the bathroom, I saw the next client come down the hall, my massage therapist came back in and closed the door. Tired yet? Then … after my 10 minute massage I went to the bathroom and came back. Now tired? I am.
OK so now how do I reflect on all of this. I’m glad it’s over. I’m glad I went. I think the insurance company was pressuring my therapist who in turn felt the need to pressure me. I can continue what I’m doing. I can try that hourly thing and increasing it. I don’t think that my therapist understands what a pain that is. To stop every hour and go. She did say no one is going to follow me around with a stopwatch. But, I didn’t say – it will draw more attention to it especially if I’m not with someone the whole hour and I need to go when I normally wouldn’t need to. That needle thing I’m just not sure of. I’m afraid if things don’t improve she’ll be pressuring me for that on down the line. Maybe I will find out I’ll just need to live with this if there is no cure. Then I’m hoping she’ll help me find ways to cope it and not feel so ashamed about it. Like my book – it’s me! Like so what! For others to accept me for who I am and me to accept me for who I am.
OK … now to what she said. I told her that she examined me – catharsized me. My protein is fine, I don’t have blood or an infection in my urine. That was good. She wrote all of this down. She had me go to the bathroom before and said there was only a couple drops. I empty my bladder fine. I told my therapist again how I knew that – I don’t have any problems doing that. I even said that when she looked on my sheets and saw I wake up to go around the one o’clock hour, she asked if it’s always like that and how many times I go during the night. Once? Twice? I told her sometimes once or twice and sometimes none. Here was my perfect time to tell her but I couldn’t. But … her next question was if I’ve ever had problems with bedwetting. I just said yes and I didn’t have to go into anything and that was great. I didn’t have to tell her when or how often or anything. My therapist just listened and wrote.
I told her about the encephalitis and she said maybe but there’s no way to test for that. This is how it works. It’s nerves from the brain. You have nerves there and in the bladder and muscles in the bladder. The brain signals the bladder and with me my nerves in my bladder happen too soon and that’s when I get the spasms. If the spasms are too strong that’s when I go to the bathroom. Later I said how that other guy from that workshop (I signed up again for this year) said the opposite about it having to do with the brain and signals. I commented that she should know. My therapist said something like she should but it’s only her thoughts.
She checked my muscles and had me hold tight and she said they were weak. I told my therapist maybe I wasn’t trying hard enough. She just said that it makes sense with the combination. She diagnosed me as overactive bladder. I don’t have a fallen bladder. She said with c-sections it’s highly unlikely.
So what I am doing is good. Drinking more to expand my bladder and trying to wait as long as I can. She nodded like she knows that’s what I’ve been trying to do and like a confirmation from her. Later my therapist said it’s good to do this at home. I know but I didn’t say more. This is all bladder training and there is something in addition I can do. It’s kind of a pain because you feel like you’re always going to the bathroom. I went on to explain she said to go to the bathroom all the time every hour on the hour. Do this for a week and then increase it to an hour and 15 minutes and keep going until you’re up to 3-4 hours.
She asked me if I’ll do that. I can but it’s a pain to have to do. She said I do that anyway (go hourly). She actually said this twice today. I said sometimes it’s longer in defense of myself. I said what if I’m out. Then I answered my own question with I would just go anyway. She asked me about nighttime? Nighttime? Do I have to do this during the night? No.
I pointed out about the computer classes I’m taking. She asked if at the library by my house. Yes. She said there are nice bathrooms right there. Just to leave half way through. I questioned it. I even said I’ll be missing things. She said it’s Ok and I’m quick. I know I’m making excuses. She told me I’m making this harder than it is. I know. I think too much sometimes and I have to stop doing that. But I don’t like surprises and want to be prepared for things ahead of time.
At some point during this my cell rang. I answered it. When I hung up she could tell it was my husband. She thought it was nice he called to check to see how the appointment was. I told him I was with her and said I’d tell him later. When I hung up I said how she could tell by the ringtone – “Stand By Your Man.” She nodded. I went on to say my youngest is “Doodling Banjos”, my middle son “Take Me Out To The Ballgame” and my daughter “Her Name” but that doesn’t work for some reason.
Then I told her there’s a needle thing I could do but it takes a time commitment. It’s once a week, for 30 minutes, for 12 weeks. They put a needle in your leg and it has to do with some nerves up to your pelvic floor or bladder. She asked like acupuncture? Yes, I thought so. She’s a big believer in acupuncture. She had arthroscopic surgery on her knee 20 years ago and it started bothering her again. She went to a chiropractor who did this to avoid further surgery and it’s fine now.
I told her it only works 70-75% of the time. And I don’t know if it’s an ongoing thing or if it has to be done every so often. Or, if it’s a cure. And it may hurt or become irritated. She said it something to find out more about. But if it was her, she said I know her, she’d do it! She commented she didn’t recommend surgery. No. And as far as medicines go I told her she said since the other ones didn’t work, others probably won’t either. They are in the same family. She’d give me some but they might not work either. Also the cysts on my kidneys and then gone she said that happens and it was probably nothing and not to warrant any more cat scans. That’s good to hear.
The Kegels aren’t as helpful for me because I don’t have stress incontinence – I have the urge. The best for me is when I have to go to just do one long Kegel to hold one which is what I do now. She nodded. I know I’ve told my therapist that before. I asked her about medicines for the brain (neurological) and she said there aren’t any. It’s working with the bladder itself.
Most people hold 500cc and I hold 25 or 50cc mostly. But when I drink more I can hold more. She asked me about being honest on my sheet – was it the truth? I said yes. Sort of, she questioned. I guess she was talking about those numbers and the fact that I admitted to her I wasn’t being honest. But the fact that I can hold more (maybe not to the 400-500 when most people go) is good. So that what I’m doing to expand my bladder is working.
She asked me if I told her about the psychological stuff. No, not really. But she did ask if anything makes it worse. I told her worry or being cold and she told me that’s for anyone. But, no, I didn’t tell her about seeing a counselor or anything like that. She asked me if she said anything about products? No. So that was about the end of talking about this. We got some answers and things ruled out she pointed out as she went through some reading her notes. I said how we don’t know if it’ll go away or not. Or if I’ll just have to live with it. She nodded. She also pointed out about what I brought in (that article) about not going a lot and I added or going too much preventatively. That wouldn’t work either to help me.
The next thing I started talking about was my grandson and how what happened the other night really bothered me. She asked me what bothered me most. I started by telling her what happened how he came in upset wanting to do a cub scout thing and waiting on the window seat for his Uncle. During it he was Ok. I lead it, like always, and my kids made fun of me “passing over” so quickly. Even my daughter commented about me skipping. But my kids were very well in reading both and following along.
So after dinner we made a track and I reminded her about the hotel they made the other night. And my grandson got mad at his sister and stomped on it and ruined it. And when he went into the bathroom why would he do what he did? She said that with kids sometimes the only thing they do have control over in their bodily functions and it’s their way of showing it by doing it on purpose. She knew that’s what bothered me the most. And my daughter’s boyfriend saying he has to go home in his wet clothes. No – I know what that’s like. I didn’t care. I wouldn’t let that happen.
When I went in I didn’t even say anything about him going to the bathroom. I got a towel and cleaned it up and told him it’s not OK to act out like that. It’s OK to be mad and talk about it. I did get him a bag and told him to put his clothes in it. I wanted him to take responsibility for some of it and not think I’ll do it all. But then he acted out again soon and I left. I didn’t want anything to do with it anymore. And my granddaughter follows me like a magnet.
I talked to my daughter later that night and again in the morning. She talked to him and asked if he was mad at Nana? No. At his sister? Yes. The same he told me when I took him to services. She hogs me. I try to be with both. Even when I was on the floor taping the track together. But she’s physically all over me.
I pointed out that’s I’m the one that went into him. I took him outside earlier away from the situation. I also said that anytime he wants to talk to me about anything he can. She pointed out that parents come in to her saying they want their kids to talk. But kids can’t. You have to reach them on their level and work with them. She pointed out that I’m so good at that with my grandkids. I know how to do that. She said kids just get into a state that their mind doesn’t function right. They don’t know how to. And you can’t tell them to talk about things because they don’t know how to do that. I pointed out that even adults – me – if someone told me to talk I wouldn’t. Right she told me.
She said how my daughter needs to as well – get on his level and work with him. Maybe take him away for a while like I did. Maybe her boyfriend and daughter go home and we take them home later. And not let her boyfriend because we know it makes it worse. She said “If it were me, I wouldn’t let my fiancée do those things to my kids!” She said to talk to her. I told her I think she does for a father figure he doesn’t have. And when he screams at him in his face that’s not good. I added it teaches kids you can do that. Right. She said you have to be on a calm level with them.
I told her that he’s going to be with his Dad on Sunday just from 9 – 5. I’m guessing just to show him off. But I’m afraid for him. I’m hoping it’ll be OK since he’ll be around a lot of people. And – he better bring him back! She asked if I’ll be involved in this. No, unless he drops him off at my house and I’m not wanting that. She commented that I don’t want to see him. No I don’t!
I told her and showed her my granddaughters picture her Dad texted me today. I had her read what it says. It was that she wanted her Nana to have this picture. I told her it was nice to be thought about since when she’s at her Mom’s I never know. Kids are in the here and now. It’s nice to know I mean so much to her. My therapist told me I mean a lot to both my grandkids. I know, I do.
Which lead me to my son who doesn’t care. Monday night we called him to wish him a Happy and how we miss him. I put him on speaker phone and we left him a message saying that and everyone said their name (my other son didn’t think we needed to do that but we did anyway). I told him to call me back when he can. He hasn’t and I’ve tried to get him a few times and haven’t been able to. She said about boys that age finding themselves and then coming back later maybe when they have a wife and kids (if he does, I said).
And, I was looking at his special tape last night and how sweet he was and wonder if he appreciates family and all we had back then. Guess who was dancing? Of course me (it’s in my blood!), my cousin and her daughter, my daughter and that son. And my daughter and he were dancing together and really having fun. Now he won’t even call her. My family is close but my husband’s isn’t and I’m afraid he’ll be like that. She said maybe they grew up like that and my kids didn’t. No. My kids were close - they even slept together!
During talking about my son I needed to go to the bathroom. I told her and just went on talking and so did she. At a point I asked her how long it’s been and she said at least five minutes. It was getting harder but I just kept going. By another couple minutes I really made a face. “Sorry,” I told her. “That’s OK.” I tried more but was really struggling and more wincing and she asked me nodding her head yes, “Do you want to go now?” I said yes and went. Came back and just continued where we left off.
I told her I was in a situation this week where there was a locked door and I had to remember what to do. She wanted me to tell her about it. It was at the dentist. I got up and needed to go to the bathroom. I didn’t feel it when I was laying down. I told the girl I was going to go to the bathroom first before I checked out with her. The bathroom was right there. The door was locked and she even commented about it. So I tried to just talk to her. I know her and we talk all the time. I was just getting to that panicky feeling and almost said something and the person came out. I was lucky. She said I had to remember what to do and it worked. Yes, and luckily she was not in there long.
So she quickly switched all subjects and said she’d like to, next time, start talking about my Mom. To bring in pictures and things of hers or what she made or gave me. Good or bad? I asked. Right. I said how when I was watching the video last night I saw the behaviors of what she and my cousins do. I had said earlier how many people have even died. It was 12 years ago. I said I would. I also told her about the new girl at the hairdresser who I forgot to bring a picture of her to (I think she was good with her at another place where my Mom had a lot of problems getting her hair cut and such) and she’s like me and we got to talking.
Just before we ended I mentioned again about tomorrow. I had told her earlier that my husband and I will go somewhere a few hours away. She remembered we like our day trips. I said like here we go again and commented that I guess I just have to be prepared but I didn’t say how. She nodded yes. And just before I left she said it’s with him and he’s understanding. Well, sort of. He isn’t and then I point it out to him and then he is.
I left picking up the sheet with all the times this month to get her paid. I looked at the odd number and thought it was strange. She said I can do my own calculations at 59.00 each (9 for this month). She looked outside and saw my massage therapists car and said she’s here. I went and she wasn’t in her room yet. When my therapist came out in the hall I said how she must be still coming in. She said she is – she just saw her coming in outside. So I sat down in the massage therapist’s room, my therapist went into the bathroom, my massage therapist came, my therapist got her next client, my massage therapist went to the bathroom, I saw the next client come down the hall, my massage therapist came back in and closed the door. Tired yet? Then … after my 10 minute massage I went to the bathroom and came back. Now tired? I am.
OK so now how do I reflect on all of this. I’m glad it’s over. I’m glad I went. I think the insurance company was pressuring my therapist who in turn felt the need to pressure me. I can continue what I’m doing. I can try that hourly thing and increasing it. I don’t think that my therapist understands what a pain that is. To stop every hour and go. She did say no one is going to follow me around with a stopwatch. But, I didn’t say – it will draw more attention to it especially if I’m not with someone the whole hour and I need to go when I normally wouldn’t need to. That needle thing I’m just not sure of. I’m afraid if things don’t improve she’ll be pressuring me for that on down the line. Maybe I will find out I’ll just need to live with this if there is no cure. Then I’m hoping she’ll help me find ways to cope it and not feel so ashamed about it. Like my book – it’s me! Like so what! For others to accept me for who I am and me to accept me for who I am.
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