My Sons

I am sitting here writing this, as my boys lay in bed next to me asleep.  I truly love being a mom even through the most intense tribulations I have had to face with my boys.  I wanted to write about them, due in part, I have always written about me.  Funny how when I was younger I never cared if I had kids or not, then got married and never really wanted them....did my own thing and enjoyed that.  Something changed for me when I was about 32, I saw both my great-aunts, well into their 70's at the time, married but both never had children.  I sat back and saw, while they had their husbands, they didn't have a "family", and it seemed so sad to me.  They have nobody to visit in their old age or visit them, they have no grandchildren, really they will have nobody when one or the other dies, they have no memories of holding a sleeping or sick child in your arms, watching them sleep, or hoping for the best for them.  I knew I didn't want to be them later on in life, so decided to try to have babies. 
Getting pregnant was not a problem for me...staying pregnant was.  The first miscarriage was very hard but one after another after another, just tore my heart out.  I remember waiting in the OB's office knowing I had miscarried again, waiting to be checked out and this woman who looked like trash was whining, ranting about her pregnancy, and this and that...she clearly didn't want her baby.  I became so enraged, I almost got in her face to say something, but I stopped myself.  Here I am, wanting a child, yet here is this woman that doesn't give two shits about the one she is carrying.  To this day that memory has affected me on some level.  I ended up having to see a specialist and go through a battery of tests to find out what was wrong.  It was "fixable" or at least worth a try, so I decided that I would try once more and if it didn't work with all the meds, then it just wasn't meant to be...my heart and body could not take it.  I got pregnant with Aidan, made it through the pregnancy ok but upon giving birth I almost bled to death.  I never saw so many blood stained sheets in my life....I wasn't scared at first until I saw their faces, my dr's face, then I knew I might die, I knew if I went into DIC, I wasn't long for this earth.  Long story short they did get the bleeding to stop but I was in the ICU for a few days, but I had my beautiful 9 lb boy. 
Aidan has been my challenge...probably because he is the first born and came with no instruction manuals...lol.  He has always been big...no huge for his age.  He is a quiet soul at times, see and hears all, is more like me than I care to admit....he takes stuff inward on him.  He is 7, now, and has been diagnosed with ADD but so be it.  I have always taught him to not hit anyone, use your words, and he has done that.  He is tall, handsome (although his ugly teeth are coming in), smart, but I worry for him.  I see him depressed, maybe.  We don't have kids to play with after school in our neighborhood and I think he needs that.  He is the kid that when I take him places finds a friend no matter what.  I have recently seen him get mouthier, not listening, fights with his brother...idk...some issue.  He is smart...he knows what is going on and I have been honest with him.  I worry for him and how he will all take this in on himself.  I know he feels he doesn't want to disappoint either me or his dad and is afraid he will say the wrong thing or give the wrong answer.  He walked into me looking at an apt book and I had a few tears coming down....obviously not what I want for my kids but what I have to do.  He said maybe I could live with you one week, and daddy one week....broke my heart b/c could see he doesn't want or need to make that choice.  I told him it  is not up to me but we will find common ground and you will always be able to see both mommy and daddy and reassured him it will be ok.  I told him he could talk to me anytime about anything...good or bad and won't get in trouble for it.   I think his dad may have said that same thing, but idk. 
I waited a number of years to have another child, partly of fear of bleeding again, partly b/c Aidan was self sufficient now, partly not knowing how it was just going to pan out...I was getting older.  I had Aidan at 34, now I am 38.   I needed to get surgery to remove scar tissue after having Aidan....all went well and became pregnant and it survived.  He came out healthy, no problems with me, but then had to go to the NICU for over a week due to injesting meconium.  He was sick..so very sick and developed a pneumonia.  I wanted to be there 24/7 but knew he was in good hands when I couldn't be.  He ended up being ok, but that was my deciding factor...no more kids.   Nathan was an awesome baby...very laid back, smiling all the time...just a joy to be around.  I decided to stay at home completely with him and enjoy the time I didn't get with Aidan.  Nate is just about 3 now...and is polar opposite of Aidan.  He will call you out, so to speak, hates people in his personal space (like me...hahaha), will fight back if need be, and just says what is on his mind (totally like my mom).  I often joke that I forsee him in the back of the police car...joking but it may happen.  He is lovable in the same sense and when he looks at me with his big eyes, I just melt.  
But...once he came Aidan has never gotten over Nate being here.  It's a contention with him for attention.  I thought it would get better but it is only getting worse.  At times if he could crawl back in my belly, he would.  I worry for that...I have tried everything.  He often says that me, his dad, and others like/love Nate more cuz he is cute, or this, or that.  It breaks my heart to hear him say that, even after reassurance.  I see him watching all the time, how much time is spent with Nate or not.  I see his wheels turning.  Yesterday, as I have done in the past I did an Aidan and mommy day....something for just him.  I took him to an amusement park for the day and he was soooo good and listened, pouted a few times but all in all it was wonderful.  I relish those times together b/c I know they won't last.  Now that I am working it is hard to even get time to spend with them never mind do a lot with them.  That is what I feel guilty about...the fact that I feel I am somehow disappointing them or when they need me I am not there.  I need to let it go...life goes on and they have to learn that.  They will be fine and I hope grow up to be fine men...respectful, hard concept these days. 
As I lay here in bed writing this, I look over and once is waking and one is sawing wood.  I am proud to be their mom, I am grateful to have them in my life esp now.  They have taught me so much, even though they don't know it...patience, silliness, and how to love someone so deeply that you cannot imagine your life without them.  I am sad that I will be losing them half the time to their dad...nothing I can do about it.  I saw us as a family but it wasn't meant to be.  I hope they take away in their lives what they will choose to put up with and not put up with.  I hope I taught them right and for them to be happy because they have made me so happy, and now I wouldn't know what I would do if I didn't have them in my life.  I heart my boys....the end.
 

Replies

MonkeyB0y
MonkeyB0y

I sometimes see the look in my Aidan\'s eyes and can only hold him. It is amazing to see how strong he really is to deal with everything that has happened to him since he was three. It is sad though to hear him talk with the understanding of mommy and daddy\'s weeks schedule. It is also hard to explain to him what a marriage is and why his parents don\'t live together anymore. So many questions at such a young age. I can see him trying at times to bring back together his family. My heart goes out to him. This was not what I ever had in mind when we started our family. But if there one thing that he has taught is that to keep on living. Though he may wonder at times about our past family, he just moves on to the next thing...toys, games, bike riding, books...etc.
deleted_user
deleted_user

This journal is so touching. We tried for 4 years to get pregnant. I wanted to have a mess of children, but that was not meant to be. I too would become insensed with people when I haerd complaints about being pregnant. I made it just to 32 weeks, before I delivered J. He was in the NICU for 28 long days, but now he is a healthy, intelligent boy. Yeah, I see depression and anger issues in him...
I love my 7 year old son. I had to greive the fact that we are no longer a family. My son asks me to let Dad move in with us, all of the time. He also asks when he can have a little brother. It breaks my heart. He craves the dual prent home. He complains he doesn\'t see his Dad enough and on our difficult days, he asks when can can choose to live with his Dad. I just have to let him vent, but it does feel like I have a knife in my gut.
I too cannot believe the lessons my kid had taught me just by being his mother. For that I feel blessed.

Hugs L!
totallychaotic247
totallychaotic247

((((L))))
Being a parent is the best thing that has happened to so many of us. I still struggle with what adam and I are putting our kids through. Lex is almost twelve, but she is alot like Aiden. She listens to everything going on around her. She took things the hardest. She still fights for Dad\'s attention. She is so scared he is going to stop loving her, like he did me. But she won\'t admit it. It\'s in the little things she does. She is one of those kids that is so much like me it scares me. She keeps everything hidden until it blows up in her face and she can\'t hide it anymore. I can\'t imagine what it was like for you to have multiple miscarriages before Aiden. I had a miscarriage between Lex and A and it took me a long time to deal with it. I also can\'t imagine how difficult it must have been to see your child in the NICU. You are a great Mom. The kids will adjust to whatever visitation schedule you guys decide on. Try not to feel guilty for working. I have never felt guilty for it because I just can\'t be a SAHM. I\'m much saner when I have a place outside the home and away from the craziness. Big hugs to you as you ponder what wonders your kids are. They change so much about us, and we don\'t ever realize they will until we have them.
deleted_user
deleted_user

Aww, that was a sweet and poignant journal entry. Thanks for sharing it, as it made me learn more about you! I\'ve always known that you were sweet, but you love as a Mom really comes thru. Good insight, to enjoy them while you can, as they do grow up so quickly! Have a great weekend!
deleted_user
deleted_user

My son spent his first week in the NICU for the same reason as Nathan. What a weird experience.

This is a great essay. I hope you have saved it somewhere other than DS too so you\'ll have it for the future.
deleted_user
deleted_user

This makes me sad and glad at the same time....the love you have for your two young men really shows in this entry. Try not to take on blame/guilt for what is coming, life is what it is, and the three of you are on a journey....
patti22
patti22

I\'ll never be happy with what this whole process has done to my kids.
Dave17
Dave17

Thank you for the window into your life. It was very touching. It was very sharing of you.
Divorce is very difficult for children. What I keep telling my kids is that we are both better people when not around each other, and I give them a few examples of how much more patient I am now.. etc..
deleted_user
deleted_user

It is so sad that our children have to suffer. They are at the whim of our decisions they have no control, they just have to \"be\". I think it is doubly hard for children who are aware that they have no control. They blame themselves, they are afraid that they too are not loved any more, we have ripped away their security. I wish I had a solution, but I don\'t. My kids are 18 and 17 now, and I can see some really nasty side effects of divorce. I tried to be enough, but no one person can ever be when it comes to a divorce situation. There is always something lacking. Yet, millions of children come out well adjusted individuals. I think yours will too. You love them, no doubt about it, and you are doing the best you can to show them that love. That\'s all we can do, and we must never give up. Our children are the most precious of gifts, and we need to let them know that. (without letting them walk all over us of course!!) You show a great awareness of your children, and I know they will benefit so much from having you as their mom.
deleted_user
deleted_user

Very nice. They are lucky to have you as their mom and you are lucky to have them.
deleted_user
deleted_user

I loved your journal entry. I believe I may have told you this a long time ago, when we first became friends- you are a great mom, and you have tried to save your marriage for everyone\'s sake- the children, your husband and yourself. Through all the pain and hurt, you remained and continue to remain a great mom. Having a 50/50 custody will not change a thing. They will always be your kids, and you will always be there mom.
deleted_user
deleted_user

(((L))))) Beautiful entry. I didn\'t know you had so much trouble having them...that must make them even more precious to you... You clearly care about them very much and have great love. Funny how kids are all so different, even with the same two parents. The broken family breaks my heart, too. They will feel your love and that is all we can do - we didn\'t choose this.

Big hugs to you, mom to mom.
deleted_user
deleted_user

All I will say it the truth.. you are great mom... and you have some lucky little boys!