My sister is a murderer. And I'm fucked up.

My name is Jeremey Hopkins. I am 32 years old,  from Maine....and my sister is convicted murderer Connor S. MacCalister.

August 19th 2015 my sister borrowed $4.00 to get a candy bar and soda at the local grocery store. I didn't know that would be the last time , that life would be the same.

Connor , through reasons only known to her targeted 59 year old Wendy Boudreau in the ice cream isle of Shaws in Saco maine, and killed her using my hunting knife.

Let's rewind 5 hours. I am a licensed Armed Security Officer. Have been for the past 10 years. I was well liked, well respected by my small community and worked extremely closely with our local police department.

I had just ended a 15 hour shift. A night filled with excitement, taser deployments and chasing fat naked drunk guys through the woods. I had left work, and had breakfast with my rookie. I remember seeing the sunrise. And thinking how beautiful it was.

I made the 15 mile trip from the diner home and being exhausted, I collapsed on the couch in the home Connor and I shared. I didn't even bother to take off my gun belt, Kevlar or uniform. I just wanted a nap.

Connor came from her room. Happy and cheery as usual. Cracked a joke or two , and then asked " umm dude, you have a few bucks? I want a soda and a butterfinger" 

I said sure and tossed her $4.00, said grab me a water and she left. You see Connor was well known in my town, always walked to Shaws wearing my old camo jacket, a holy pair of jeans and a ratty pair of Vietnam era combat boots I had got her at a flea market years before. So ....her randomly walking there meant nothing. Was a normal act on a normal day.

I woke up at 3pm to a soft but prudent knock on my door. Frantic but delicate. Still wearing all my duty gear I got up, walked to the door and checked the peep hole. A officer from the PD, we'll call her mary, a good ....good friend of mine was outside. Assuming something happened at one of my sites, or she just wanted to know of I was on that night, I opened the door.

"Jay...you need to gather some clothes, get your gun, your gear and anything you need for work. The state police are on their way now with a search warrant" .....uhhh what? I actually replied that way thinking I was being pranked. "I can't say anything Jay.  I'm sorry....damnit...i wish I could....its about connor"

I pried more "Mary....what did she do now? I have her money did she steal?"

Tears welling up in Mary's eyes she said check the news.

Why is my sister on the news? ....i opened Facebook and types in our local news station.  

"Saco resident stabs woman in neck in grocery store. Woman pronounced dead at hospital"

That second. My life ended. 

I fell to my knees....or I think I did,  I don't remember I just remember having 3 officers holding me up and hearing " call a bus"....no I didn't need an ambulance. I needed god. 

I got outside and there must have been 8 cops. Standing in formation trying to be strong for me, the rest of the dept. Was at the scene. 

I got in my car, and drove. I'm not sure how long but my boss, my best friend at the time found me eventually.  It was still surreal , a dream that I wanted to wake up from. My sister,  my best friend, someone I knew every day of my life had murdered a innocent woman. 

It's it's been 2 years since that day. I lost my home, most of my friends, my job.....shorty after that my fiancee. The one person I loved more than life itself. Fuck.....i still do. 

I've never gotten help, who am I kidding. There is no help. Nobody specializes in this.  It doesn't get easier.

I've never said a word to Connor either. My family is in contact,  not i. Never.  I devoted my life to helping people.  I've saved human lives.  I won't speak to someone who takes them in cold blood. 

But I'm fucked up.  I always will be.  To my family,  my friends.... I'm a stone mountain.  Strong,  happy,  solid.  Inside though.... I'm a mess,  I just hide it well.

This is the first time I've spoken of this in public. Don't even know why but.....

There it is.