My Sister and Me
Ever since my sister left, I have felt such a sense of emptiness and loss and I am really confused and shocked at this. It's not like "oh I miss her" it's like the grief is deep and I can't quite seem to shake it. I compare friends to how she and I were and seem to be getting pissed off and not wanting to be around them. It's like when she moved, part of me died. It's not like we saw each other every, it's not like we were joined together at the hip, it's not like we didn't fight (oh, we did), it's not like I';ll never see her again, etc. This feeling runs deep in my soul. Ah, ha. 12-SOF which I have read and studied a zillion times: "When I find joy within, my joy is unconditional. It does not depend on other people living with me. IT DOES NOT DEPEND ON OTHER PEOPLE LOVING ME. It does not even depend other people liking me or treating me fairly. My JOY IS a deep confidence I have in myself that says "I know I'm okay as I am." It is an existential affirmation of my being than can only COME FROM ME. Moving from fear to love means recognizing my fear when it comes up and moving thru that fear. It means recognizing my judgment when it comes up and working through that judgment. It means hearing my own call for love and learning to answer it." Although my sister and I fought and argued at times, we loved each other unconditionally. When I have been sick, she was right by my side and vice-versa. She has hurt me and I have hurt her; always found a way to forgive. So I think I have had sooooooooooo much fear attached to her not being here with me. I had to sit with that fear this morning and sit with the judgment I have made on other's these past few weeks for NOT being able to replace her. Very emotional. I felt a lot of sadness, anger, resentment, and loss this morning in meditation thanks to allowing myself to do so....The JOY I am seeking DOES NOT COME FROM MY SISTER; actually, this morning I could actually feel GRATITUDE for what we have. We have worked through a lot over the years and for that, I am proud of us both. Posted a question on 12-SOF the other day. If anyone is willing to share, I would be interested in your feed-back so I can share with my group Wed. night. Have a good day! xo
Replies
Vicki,
First, I don\'t know what 12-SOF is.
Second, your post was a timely reminder for me to trust my Spirit. And it made me wonder exactly what is it I have to do to stay connected to Spirit.
I suspect it\'s paying attention to my body, being aware of the messages I\'m telling myself, being able to identify and accept the feelings that come with those messages and then deciding what my next step is, if any.
For me, more than anything, it is teaching myself to Be Still so I can know what kind of reality/response/reaction I\'m creating and engaging in.
It\'s also being aware of who\'s talking--Spirit or ego. Ram Dass gave the best definition of ego I ever read. He said, \"Ego...is how we usually approach the world....The Ego realm includes all of the things we experience as \'ourselves\' on the psycho-physical plane: our physical bodies, our personalities, fame, reputation, possessions, emotions, and the conceptual structures within our minds that develop to help us function here.\" (from Still Here by Dass) His definition helps me to distinguish ego from Spirit.
And I must admit, that for me, ego has a loud voice.
I\'m glad you were able to feel and acknowledge the gratitude you hold for the deep relationship you have with your sister.
xx
Thank-you! 12-Steps of Forgiveness is the group I started here on DS..I just abbreviated it instead of typing it out every time. Yes, my Ego is in there, my Truth is in there, bunches of stuff in there. I surrender it all and ask to here that \"still small voice\" that know when I don\'t know. I seem to be able to stay connected to Spirit by making it ok when I\'m not able to. I surrender that too. I will say \"Spirit I am not feeling you, making a connection with you, open my heart to you, I am willing to know you at a deeper level that ever.\" Help, help me, thank-you.This is all coming together for a greater good and I believe that, but in my humanness, I am not totally there; yet, I am exactly where I am supposed to be. I have stopped labelling situations good/bad, wrong/right, I allow situations to surface. Thank-you SuzA66! xo
I really feel for you here Vicki.
I think it\'s wonderful that you love her so much. It seems this grief is connected to something deep within you. Like you always say: allowing the feeling seems to be a way of releasing it.
Sending you big hugs xxxx
This is wonderful Vicki. You have done a lot of \'hard work\' emotionally and it seems that it has been an amazing journey for you.