My Sexual Identity.
I figured it's probably long overdue that I explain my orientation. I'm sure that I've confused some people with things I've said, so I figured I would break it down as simply as possible so people would have an easier time getting where I come from.
Another reason why I want to get this out here is because I have a feeling I'm going to try and start addressing issues relating to my orientation, so I want this to be out there as a sort of preface.
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Well, for starters I am not straight. I was raised straight and it is expected of me to be heterosexual but I am not. I am "in the closet" with my family and that's how it is going to stay until I am completely on my own and independent so I can be prepared to be disowned. I also do not want to lose my relationship with my parents, which is another reason why I won't tell them for awhile.
I identify myself as Pansexual rather than Bisexual, because I do not base my attraction on male or female forms, but rather personas and personalities. I find transgender individuals attractive and am fine with people who have a body of A but a mindset of B. I can love any gender as equally as the next. It took me a long time to realize that I was actually pansexual instead of bisexual. I know pansexual tends to confuse more people, so on occasion I will communicate it as bisexual to get the point across, but I do hate being called bisexual.
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Also, I'm not "vanilla". For those of you unfamiliar with the term, I am a person into kink. I haven't been active in the lifestyle for a very long time, but I would prefer to have someone that shares my interests in that department.
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Looking back on my childhood, there were definite signs that I was attracted to women. I had a crush on Xena when really young, which evolved to Captain Janeway, and Colonel Carter. This was during the mid to later 90's, so I was younger than 10. I also have a memory of being with a doll I had. It was a female doll and I was the "husband". The fact that my mother has expressed numerous times that she's afraid I'll turn into a lesbian was definite confirmation that there must have been signs when I was growing up.
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Also when I was growing up, I felt like I should have been a boy. I didn't realize what gay and transitioning was growing up, but I did desire to somehow change my gender so I could be a boy. In my later teen years, I struggled very hard to accept my femininity. I gradually accepted that I was a girl and was going to stay that way. I still dressed like a boy at times, or acted tomboyish.
In some ways I still do this, but I accept that I am female. I doubt I would ever choose to transition, but I do miss having a relationship with someone who understands my feelings and allows me to have my girl/man days. I think that this leads or contributes to my next point.
Most of the men that I tend to attract are more feminine or girly in appearance and behavior. Because I am very independent, strong willed, and have a "take charge" mentality, I'm not surprised that I attract more submissive men. I am okay with more feminine guys, but due to some things that happened to me a few years ago I want to avoid them for the time being.
I like the idea of strong masculine figures because it seems like a form of security. Recently I have been really feeling a pull to be with men or male personas. I believe that this may be partially due to my biological clock, but also because of where I'm at in my career and surrounding factors. There's a HUGE part of me that's afraid of relationships with men. I'm afraid of losing control in my life and being hurt. In my last relationship, I was hurt by the guy I was with, so I know that my DV related PTSD is most likely the cause of this.
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I used to consider myself 50-50 with gender referencing, which steadily grew more in favor toward women. Probably two or three years ago it was 95 toward women and 5 toward men. Now I can't really put it to a scale because of current issues I'm facing, but I am feeling urges to be with men more currently.
Sexually I find women very sexy. I love women's bodies and how curvy they are. I love touching them and doing things to them, but when it comes to sexually getting gratified by them not as much recently. I know this probably has to do with my ex gf not being able to meet my needs, but I do feel more urges to do things to women rather than receive.
Right now I am finding that my sexual desires and needs are more male orientated. I just want someone to take me and please me. I miss being penetrated and the various ways to have sex. I would be perfectly content with a woman who was willing to be more exploring, or a transgender in this department, but I'm so fried on FxF relationships now due to my ex I don't even want to think about it.
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Over the past 5-6 years I've slowly come to realize that I was polyamorous. There were signs throughout high school but I never understood what anything meant. In college I was exposed to the kink world, but also more open ways of thinking. I realized that I was poly because I was emotionally involved with more than one person. I have continued to be able to fall for more than one person.
This isn't something I'm too thrilled about because it has typically just made things worse for me. In my perfect world I would have my relationships at the same time but separated from each other.
Online bonds/relationships make this much easier for me but are also my preference. I have physical and emotional intimacy issues due to things in my past, but real world relationships are very intimidating for me. I'm also very forthright and honest about my orientation and preferences to anyone who is interested in me. I believe in being an open book for people, thus I am one. Honesty is the most important thing for me.
------------------------------------------------------
Right now I'm feeling a little blocked with organizing my thoughts, so I'm going to leave this here for now.
Another reason why I want to get this out here is because I have a feeling I'm going to try and start addressing issues relating to my orientation, so I want this to be out there as a sort of preface.
------------------------------------------------------
Well, for starters I am not straight. I was raised straight and it is expected of me to be heterosexual but I am not. I am "in the closet" with my family and that's how it is going to stay until I am completely on my own and independent so I can be prepared to be disowned. I also do not want to lose my relationship with my parents, which is another reason why I won't tell them for awhile.
I identify myself as Pansexual rather than Bisexual, because I do not base my attraction on male or female forms, but rather personas and personalities. I find transgender individuals attractive and am fine with people who have a body of A but a mindset of B. I can love any gender as equally as the next. It took me a long time to realize that I was actually pansexual instead of bisexual. I know pansexual tends to confuse more people, so on occasion I will communicate it as bisexual to get the point across, but I do hate being called bisexual.
------------------------------------------------------
Also, I'm not "vanilla". For those of you unfamiliar with the term, I am a person into kink. I haven't been active in the lifestyle for a very long time, but I would prefer to have someone that shares my interests in that department.
------------------------------------------------------
Looking back on my childhood, there were definite signs that I was attracted to women. I had a crush on Xena when really young, which evolved to Captain Janeway, and Colonel Carter. This was during the mid to later 90's, so I was younger than 10. I also have a memory of being with a doll I had. It was a female doll and I was the "husband". The fact that my mother has expressed numerous times that she's afraid I'll turn into a lesbian was definite confirmation that there must have been signs when I was growing up.
------------------------------------------------------
Also when I was growing up, I felt like I should have been a boy. I didn't realize what gay and transitioning was growing up, but I did desire to somehow change my gender so I could be a boy. In my later teen years, I struggled very hard to accept my femininity. I gradually accepted that I was a girl and was going to stay that way. I still dressed like a boy at times, or acted tomboyish.
In some ways I still do this, but I accept that I am female. I doubt I would ever choose to transition, but I do miss having a relationship with someone who understands my feelings and allows me to have my girl/man days. I think that this leads or contributes to my next point.
Most of the men that I tend to attract are more feminine or girly in appearance and behavior. Because I am very independent, strong willed, and have a "take charge" mentality, I'm not surprised that I attract more submissive men. I am okay with more feminine guys, but due to some things that happened to me a few years ago I want to avoid them for the time being.
I like the idea of strong masculine figures because it seems like a form of security. Recently I have been really feeling a pull to be with men or male personas. I believe that this may be partially due to my biological clock, but also because of where I'm at in my career and surrounding factors. There's a HUGE part of me that's afraid of relationships with men. I'm afraid of losing control in my life and being hurt. In my last relationship, I was hurt by the guy I was with, so I know that my DV related PTSD is most likely the cause of this.
------------------------------------------------------
I used to consider myself 50-50 with gender referencing, which steadily grew more in favor toward women. Probably two or three years ago it was 95 toward women and 5 toward men. Now I can't really put it to a scale because of current issues I'm facing, but I am feeling urges to be with men more currently.
Sexually I find women very sexy. I love women's bodies and how curvy they are. I love touching them and doing things to them, but when it comes to sexually getting gratified by them not as much recently. I know this probably has to do with my ex gf not being able to meet my needs, but I do feel more urges to do things to women rather than receive.
Right now I am finding that my sexual desires and needs are more male orientated. I just want someone to take me and please me. I miss being penetrated and the various ways to have sex. I would be perfectly content with a woman who was willing to be more exploring, or a transgender in this department, but I'm so fried on FxF relationships now due to my ex I don't even want to think about it.
------------------------------------------------------
Over the past 5-6 years I've slowly come to realize that I was polyamorous. There were signs throughout high school but I never understood what anything meant. In college I was exposed to the kink world, but also more open ways of thinking. I realized that I was poly because I was emotionally involved with more than one person. I have continued to be able to fall for more than one person.
This isn't something I'm too thrilled about because it has typically just made things worse for me. In my perfect world I would have my relationships at the same time but separated from each other.
Online bonds/relationships make this much easier for me but are also my preference. I have physical and emotional intimacy issues due to things in my past, but real world relationships are very intimidating for me. I'm also very forthright and honest about my orientation and preferences to anyone who is interested in me. I believe in being an open book for people, thus I am one. Honesty is the most important thing for me.
------------------------------------------------------
Right now I'm feeling a little blocked with organizing my thoughts, so I'm going to leave this here for now.
Replies
We have discussed some of these points before, but it is good to see you write out what makes you you.
I am pansexual and very much into kink, myself, so I can relate on SO many different levels with you.
I understand where how you feel about being labeled as \"bisexual.\" I find myself often telling people that I\'m bisexual because it\'s easier for them to understand and some people who do not understand sexuality or orientation tend to consider us pansexuals as \"confused\" which is frustrating.
About transitioning and wanting to be a boy, I can relate to that as well. For a long time being, I\'ve felt out of place with my body and wanted to look and feel as authentic as I felt I was on the inside, and wanted the outside to match.
Thank you for sharing all of this with us, with me.
hey, thank you for sharing and truting us with this information.