My secrets

So even now, months after admitting how abusive my relationship was, I still have secrets I feel I can't tell anyone.
So many things happened that nobody knows about, like how many pairs of glasses I lost because of him... He'd take them from face and throw them across the room, I'm sure he loved watching me blindly crawling around the floor searching for them, then I'd find them and stand only to have him take them and snap them in front of me. That happened about 6 times!
Once when we had a friend staying with us for the weekend he even tried to make me doubt my own sanity; I was cooking a huge pot of soup for our family and our guest, while I was seeing to the children he turned the hot plate on the stove on high and once the soup started boiling over he called out "you've stuffed dinner, it's burnt and all over the kitchen", I knew I left it on low, he kept saying what an idiot I was, then our friend walked in and I apologised for the mess and went to work cleaning it up. Later he admitted he turned it up to teach me not to leave my cooking unattended.
He was always saying he was just trying to help me be a better person.

How is it helpful to make me believe I'm a useless, crazy, ugly idiot?
What was he teaching me by leaning over our 6month old baby to hit and choke me? How am I any better now after been made to feel like rubbish??

Nobody knows the worst of it and I don't think I could explain it anyway,
The way I doubted myself and doubted how I cared for my kids, the way I lied to cover for his mistakes because I thought people would blame me. The times I apologised for him.

Yet my biggest secret is that even now I still love him, I still live by his rules and think of what his opinion would be, even though he's not here, I know he's gone but it's not over, I thought with him in jail I'd heal, but I'm not, I still love him, I still hurt for him and I still hurt because of him...

I'm beginning to see the person I love is not real and the rules I'm still living by don't exist...