My Second Ultrasound, Things Are Better And My Son

I came in and sat down with my bag of extra clothes.  She asked me if I wanted her to take those from me.  Yes.  She did and put them in her drawer.  She glanced down and read softly outloud that I had a road atlas with me and I sort of brushed it aside like for later.  I was a little uneasy – just not knowing what to expect.  I did call Monday late afternoon and told her how I can just feel something not right with her and I.  And that I’m not just a worry ball and how I hate myself for things.  So she first asked how my daughter is.  I didn’t think she’d remember about her tests.  Her colonoscopy was fine, she has to have an MRCP before an ERCP which is riskier and she has Barrett’s esophagus.  She is still in pain.  I said how she’s too young for all of this.  She agreed. 
Then she asked me if I went to my thing today – my ultrasound.  Yes.  I sighed and smiled before I told her the story of what happened.  I told her I didn’t drink as much.  What happened is we got new phones and I’ve been having trouble with mine so I had to go back to the phone carrier store after dropping my grandson off at school this morning.  I brought my drink there.  When I got to the place where my doctor is I went to the bathroom.  I had to – I just did.  She nodded. 
Then I went in and waited and she called me in and I thought I could do this.  It wasn’t that bad.  But by the time she got to the end it was harder.  It was the part where she has to push down.  I really needed to go and she told me I could if I needed to.  But I said to myself that I can do this.  She went really fast and even told me that.  So she got done and told me to go.  I quickly got my underwear and pants on, went outside and you can get what happened.  She smiled and we both said at the same time, “The door was locked!”  Yes!  I couldn’t believe it.  It was like reliving the whole thing again. 
There were 2 girls that worked there that saw the whole thing.  I tried to cover as much as I could but I just started going to the bathroom.  I even saw it going on the carpet but it was a tweedy like so I'm hoping nothing showed.  They were looking right at me.  The looks on their faces were like what am I going to do?  So in response to their looks I just told them I have extra clothes.  They told me to knock on the door again to let the person know I really needed to go.  But by that time it was too late.  My therapist even echoed that because she knew it would be by then.  An older lady came out and said to me, “Oh, you must have to go as badly as I did.”  I just went in. 
My therapist asked me if I had my clothes with me when it happened.  I told her no but I went back to get them.  When she told me I could go to the bathroom I put my underwear and pants on as fast as I could.  I didn’t even zip up or close my pants let alone think of getting my bag.  You just don’t think of that at the moment.  She looked like she understood.  So after I went back and got it and had to tell the person who did it what happened. 
My therapist asked me if my last one was a year ago.  No – a couple weeks ago.  I was wondering if she forgot.  But I asked her if she meant a year ago from the last locked door.  Yes.  That’s what she meant.  She said it was a shame I couldn’t undo that this time.  She knows it was embarrassing to me but she asked what else.  I said it makes me feel sad.  Sad I couldn’t do it.  And mad because I should be able to.  She said that I’m working on expanding my bladder out with what I’m doing what the doctor said and I’m just not there yet.  Doing these things along with trying to make my muscles stronger and alluded to maybe next time I’ll be there or closer. 
I told her that I can feel mad at myself for what happened.  But I did make it through the test and that’s a good thing.  She agreed.  I told her about the results.  The cyst is almost gone and my ovary looks good.  He knows I worry so if I want to I can call him and tell him my right side is hurting and he’ll do another one in 3-6 months.  That way insurance will cover it.  So that’s a good thing that it’s hardly there anymore.  She agreed on that, too – a very good thing.  I also asked to go back on the pill for a month so I don’t get my period if I go see my son and feel miserable.  Last time my whole body hurt, too.  He gave me pill packets.  Very nice.  I told her I just keep seeing them looking straight at me when it happened and that really bothered me.  Very embarrassing. 
So she asked me if we can do some EMDR with the light bar.  I wasn’t sure but then said OK.  She set it up and gave me the headphones to put on.  She said it would be good to do it now because it just happened and it’s fresh in my memory.  I told her OK but not too long because I want to talk about my son, too.  So we did a shorter version (she told me after) but went through several different kinds of thoughts. 
First we talked and she wrote things down.  Then actually doing the light bar several times.  First was about the sad feelings about it.  She said she’s sad for me that it happened.  She said it a couple times I’m guessing to show me she does care.  How I didn’t want it to happen.  Right.  How I wasn’t in control about it and such.  Then to think about how it makes me feel.  Then about how I want to feel like not sad, in control and that I can move on about it (she suggested this one).  Yes.  So I did that.  Then another one I don’t remember.  Maybe about them looking at me.  Then finally about my response to them.  I told her again what I told them about myself having clothes.  Then we did the light bar again and I told her I felt like I said that in my defense.  She said yes, that was good and instead of hiding in a ball or shell or something, about it. 
It was better.  I told her I felt more relaxed about it.  I’m just so glad I had my extra clothes with me because I don’t know what I would have done if I didn’t.  She nodded.  She knows.  Earlier, while she was setting it up, I told her I weighed myself at the doctor’s office and I lost weight.  She said that it looks like I have.  But nothing else about it.  I was so proud that this morning I almost told my daughter but didn’t.  She said I can’t because of my weight issues.  I told her I weighed 121 at the doctor’s and sometimes on my scale, maybe because I have lighter clothes on now, I see 118 or 119.  She looked at me and said I can’t loose any more than that.  I said I know but I feel better lighter. 
Either before or after the light bar she told me just today she was listening to NPR Radio on the way to the office and she heard Sarah Silverman being interviewed.  She said she was a life-long bed wetter even into her teens.  She said that she dealt with it though denial.  She’d take off her wet clothes and shove them somewhere or pull covers over.  She even went to summer camp and sleepovers.  She would pinch herself awake a lot but then get overly tired and when she did sleep she was more likely to wet.  When she told me the things she did I looked at her like I know what she’s talking about.  She asked me if it all sounds familiar to me.  Yes, very much so. 
So my therapist told me she wrote a new book I might like to check into.  And how her potty humor may have an effect on what she went through with the bedwetting.  She said nothing is more shameful.  I asked her if she still does.  She didn’t know.  She only heard part of it.  So she wrote down later the time (about 12:30 PM), the station and thinking it’s the Fresh Air show for me to try to find it. 
So we were done with the ultrasound and what happened today subject.  I asked her if we can move on now to something completely different.  Yes.  Good.  So I started talking about my son and maybe or maybe not taking the trip out there to help him move.  I told her how I’ve been doing a lot about this.  Going on line, making phone calls and such.  A couple nights ago everything was pretty much set with me flying to a city, renting a car, going to him, helping him move, doing things together, me going to the other city and then riding the scenic view back down.  I even called my cousin (I have lots of cousins – I didn’t get to see last time because she was out of town) and she said I could stay with her for 3 nights.  She thought that was great and it would save me some money.
I told her I tried to plan this for when she is out of town too so I don’t feel it as much.  She gave a funny look and laugh.  I told her this is a bigger deal to me than to her kind of sticking up for myself.  I said how I didn’t book anything because I wanted to wait until today – after my ultrasound.  She said that was smart.   I got out the Road Atlas.  She came closer and I showed her all the routes.  And now maybe renting a truck but he would have to pick me up in a different city, he’d drive the truck and I’d drive the car our Aunt gave him, then after moving doing fun things (I showed her what we want to do on the way and after).  Then he’d have to take me back to the big city for me to rent a car and do that drive back down and then be with my cousins. 
But I called him last night (we’ve been talking every day) and told him it would cost me 1,500 to 2,000 and requested him pay the 400.00 for the truck rental.  I told him to think about it (he said he was sleeping) and to call me today.  So far he hasn’t.  I told him I want to help him move, see him and have quality time with him.  I told my therapist how once she said since we both like exploring maybe we can do it together.  That would be cool although I know we would have our issues.  She agreed.  But I wanted him to pay for the rental.  My therapist told me that I should plan in my budget to see him or have him come back to us – twice a year.  Just to stay in touch.  She didn’t say but I bet one of the trips is to see her son in Central America. 
I told her how I feel like I’m being taken advantage of.  I gave him almost all my holiday money 800-900 dollars and the same for the scooter, and all the thousands he owes me even before that.  I haven’t seen anything.  And he wants to fill the car up to the top.  I told him I have to be able to see.  He wants me to bring a duffle bag (like camp used to give out – she said her kids did go there) and put all my clothes in there.  For 11 days?  No way.  He says all I need is 3-4 shirts and 3-4 pair of pants.  I told her I can go through 3 pair of pants in one day.  She knows.  He thinks I can wash my clothes at my cousins a week later.  I will have a piece of luggage and a backpack and my purse.  She said he’s being very inconsiderate.
Besides I’d be paying for the flight, car rental, food, motel (he just camps out with his girlfriend), supplies such as an air mattrace & blankets & pillows because he won’t have furniture.  And then there are the other issues like having to stop on the road.  And what when I can’t make it and have to go by the road.  She nodded like yes, that can be a problem.  And sleeping at my cousins.  She said I’ve had experience with that and I should know.  I looked a little doubtingly. 
So I put this in his ballpark.  I told him to let me know.  Yes, I want to go but then there are many things to have to deal with.  She said maybe my husband and I could plan a trip out there.  I said to even drive.  Yes.  I mentioned again about wanting to drive the southern and northern routes.  She thought that was a great idea. 
Some time during this I needed to go to the bathroom.  I told her and she glanced at the clock.  I said a couple words in a sentence and interrupted myself telling her I want to go walking.  She shook her head like she wasn’t sure that was a good idea.  “Now?  While you have to go?” she asked me.  Yes.  She didn’t think it was wise and told me after what happened today she didn’t want me to have another accident.  I told her I didn’t want to have another accident either but I wanted to go.  She said maybe just to walk in the building and something about 5 minutes but I can’t remember what.  I told her I wanted to go outside – I can do this.  And I mentioned that I do have extra clothes with me.  So knowing we couldn’t deliberate on this for a long time because we both know time is the essence for me, she agreed but I could tell she wasn’t so sure about it.  We got up to go and she told me to take my purse with me with my extra clothes.
We left.  At the top of the stairs I asked her where we were going.  I just let her lead.  She told me we’ll go down and to the back door and turn back around.  She asked me where I wanted to go to the bathroom – downstairs or back upstairs.  I told her I don’t know yet – it depends.  So we went down and to my surprise we went out the door to the parking lot and walked around – not a big circle.  I told her about the day trip we may go on to the little city tomorrow but it may rain.  She asked what’s there.  My son’s work. 
I guess she took me out there because I still seemed OK.  But the more we were out there, and on the way back, I got much quieter.  She didn’t say anything or seem to be watching for anything but took me back fairly quickly.  I remember quietly saying out loud when we were almost at the door again, “I can do this.”  She didn’t say anything.  She opened the door for me and told me to go downstairs and she’ll wait for me there.  I did.  I didn’t say but I didn’t even want to try to go back upstairs.  No – I did not want another accident today.  She said it would undo things and she’s right – I think it would have.  
So I went, came back out.  She hesitated to go up the stairs while a lady (I did see her outside when we were out there but I don’t know if my therapist did) was coming back down and then we went up.  As soon as she could she looked back at me for an answer.  “Yes” I said and gestured that she knew I made it OK.  She gestured yes and smiled back.  Going up the stairs I asked if that lady is from one of the offices downstairs in that corner.  She didn’t seem to know there was one there.  I reminded her once, a long time ago, she knocked on a door and a man came out.  Nothing else was said about that.  I did tell her that no one was in that office downstairs.  We were walking up the second flight of stairs by now.  She said they are not there every day.  I laughed and said, “Why couldn’t they have not been there on Monday!”  She chuckled back and said, “Because that’s life.”  Yeah. 
We got back into her office and we both sat down.  I said that was good.  She said I did that without difficulty.  I wanted to say it was hard but I did it!  I didn’t say that.  So I wondered where we were in talking about my son and we continued.  Right at the end my phone rang and it was him.  I answered and he was yelling at me because he thought it was only 200 he would pay instead of 400.  I told her to write the NPR Radio thing down and the type of car she was talking about earlier that maybe we could rent.  She thinks it’s some HH2 from maybe Chevrolet by National/Alamo Rent A Car. 
She heard me talk to him a little but handed me the little papers and I had to leave.  She said some sort of bye to me.  I hung up with my son out in the hallway so I peeped back and told her something.  I can’t even remember now.  Maybe that he’s not happy, I told him to think about it and he’ll call me back.  I went into my massage therapist and then home. 
He called me later and I didn’t know what to do so a little after 5 PM I called and she answered.  I said like little rabbit fu fu says “Help Me Help Me Says” I didn’t know what to do.  She asked me how I feel in my gut.  Like I want to go to help my son.  She then asked me how do I feel in my mind.  Like I don’t know if I want to spend the money and save it for when my husband and I go out.  She said to talk to him.  Pin point him down to try to decide.  We talked about 5 minutes.  I did that – talked to my husband.  I’m still making the final decision.  My son & I are calling back and forth.  We are changing things.  I don’t know if he wants me for that long (10-11 days) but I want to spend time with him and I want to do fun things with him.  I don’t want him to change his attitude about me after I get there and want me to leave right away.  I’m so confused and nothing is yet set in stone and I need to get this published. 
I felt better about her today.  I didn’t say anything about what I said in the phone call and neither did she.  She seemed warmer and friendlier.  And especially when she told me it really makes her feel sad for me that that happened again like that at the doctor’s office today.  That was very nice.  And it was a very nice conversation we had when I called her back this afternoon.  She didn’t make me feel bad for doing it or for anything.  Maybe it was just something with her.  Maybe there is something but she’s just laying off for a bit.  I don’t know.  I do know I don’t like people to hide things from me or spring bad things on me all of a sudden.  I try to be the best I can and I hope others will do the same.