My second entry
Not sure really what to say but I just feel like talking. A new year. A new day. I feel like doing something different with my life. Moving on. At the same time, a year without HIM makes me feel unbearably sad. Free, but sad. It hurts and hurts to the moon and back.
My ex was such a good man. A good boy who grew into a good man and then grew into a very bad and mean man. He was fourteen years old when I met him. Blue eyed and blond and easygoing and we spent our teen years growing up together on the beach. Pretty idyllic.
He grew into a man that I loved and respected. Caring, giving, generous, supportive and the whole package. Two beautiful children and we traveled the world.
Around our 21st wedding anniversary his anxiety picked up a lot. He went from a cushy job to a very, very stressful one and he went to see a psychiatrist who put him on paxil. Truly, truly, within a week he was a very different person. They told him he shouldn't drink but he did. A lot. It took me six months to realized that I was being abused and to leave him for our protection. My DD was 15.
Fast forward to now, three years later. I am divorced and sad. He is still on SSRI's and as far as I know still drinks heavilly. He is alone and just plain old mean. He is very bitter with me yet still insists we maintain contact because we are co-parents. We aren't co-parents. He is mean to them, too. Mean. Mean. Mean. What is to like?
The memories are so haunting. The good ones and the bad. They play on an endless loop and I fear that I am not healing as I should be. Better than last year? In some ways. I keep waiting and waiting for him to stop it and return to his former self. To be kind again. To say to me, "Oh my God. What have I done?" That happens once in awhile. He calls crying that he has messed up his life so badly, that he is depressed, he has gone to rehab, AA, therapy. Nothing is sticking and I do feel like I have worked through my codependency issues.... I still can't quite make NC stick.
I worry that one day he will finally be his old self again and I won't be around for it. It makes me really sad but I also don't want the past to dictate what my future is going to be. I want the chance to find love again. I am sick to death of being verbally assaulted every other day. I need so much to let go.
I do have a new therapist who talked to me for ten minutes and said, oh my, you MUST stop all contact with this abuser because you are being ACTIVELY abused and you cannot heal untilt he abuse stops. Also, she said that I suffer from PTSD from some of the worst things he has done and she wants to treat me for that. I think now I have to agree with her because I have never had panic attacks before in my life and now they are pretty regular. The anxiety is pretty strong.
I went from my Daddys home to his home. My world has been shaken upside down and it hurts. Still. Every day. All day. It just keeps hurting and hurting. Every day I think something is going to happen. Be different. It never is. Except for the abuse. It gets worse as his life gets worse and he blames it all on me. I am so weary but so ready for something to change in MY life.
I want to implement NC. I appreciate all the support I get from this board but somehow it is still so hard not to be there for him "just in case" this time the call would be different.
My ex was such a good man. A good boy who grew into a good man and then grew into a very bad and mean man. He was fourteen years old when I met him. Blue eyed and blond and easygoing and we spent our teen years growing up together on the beach. Pretty idyllic.
He grew into a man that I loved and respected. Caring, giving, generous, supportive and the whole package. Two beautiful children and we traveled the world.
Around our 21st wedding anniversary his anxiety picked up a lot. He went from a cushy job to a very, very stressful one and he went to see a psychiatrist who put him on paxil. Truly, truly, within a week he was a very different person. They told him he shouldn't drink but he did. A lot. It took me six months to realized that I was being abused and to leave him for our protection. My DD was 15.
Fast forward to now, three years later. I am divorced and sad. He is still on SSRI's and as far as I know still drinks heavilly. He is alone and just plain old mean. He is very bitter with me yet still insists we maintain contact because we are co-parents. We aren't co-parents. He is mean to them, too. Mean. Mean. Mean. What is to like?
The memories are so haunting. The good ones and the bad. They play on an endless loop and I fear that I am not healing as I should be. Better than last year? In some ways. I keep waiting and waiting for him to stop it and return to his former self. To be kind again. To say to me, "Oh my God. What have I done?" That happens once in awhile. He calls crying that he has messed up his life so badly, that he is depressed, he has gone to rehab, AA, therapy. Nothing is sticking and I do feel like I have worked through my codependency issues.... I still can't quite make NC stick.
I worry that one day he will finally be his old self again and I won't be around for it. It makes me really sad but I also don't want the past to dictate what my future is going to be. I want the chance to find love again. I am sick to death of being verbally assaulted every other day. I need so much to let go.
I do have a new therapist who talked to me for ten minutes and said, oh my, you MUST stop all contact with this abuser because you are being ACTIVELY abused and you cannot heal untilt he abuse stops. Also, she said that I suffer from PTSD from some of the worst things he has done and she wants to treat me for that. I think now I have to agree with her because I have never had panic attacks before in my life and now they are pretty regular. The anxiety is pretty strong.
I went from my Daddys home to his home. My world has been shaken upside down and it hurts. Still. Every day. All day. It just keeps hurting and hurting. Every day I think something is going to happen. Be different. It never is. Except for the abuse. It gets worse as his life gets worse and he blames it all on me. I am so weary but so ready for something to change in MY life.
I want to implement NC. I appreciate all the support I get from this board but somehow it is still so hard not to be there for him "just in case" this time the call would be different.
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