My reflections on the loser article
Number 1: Rough treatment. We have gone so far beyond this occasional rough treatment that it isn't even funny. There is no longer any really rough treatment, not like in the beginning and for so many years following that--he doesn't have to treat me roughly for me to know that the potential is there, so on that count he won (I think). Some memorable incidents--ones which I will never forget--include the night I woke up being choked because Troy had gotten his driver's license because he just KNEW I had to be sleeping with him and that was the only way he could get it?!?! Or the night I ended up being slung by my throat into the wall across the room because I said something back when he woke me at 4 am screaming and taunting me. Or the book that Jim (my uncle who committed suicide) had given me, I was paying too much attention to it rather than him, so he ripped it to shreds--knowing I could never replace that. Or the 5000 piece puzzle I worked so hard on when he was out every evening and the kids were in bed. It was almost finished when he decided that to punish me for something I did wrong (who knows at this point what that was) he threw it across the room breaking it to pieces. Or the night he removed the distributor cap from my car, snatched the girls out of my arms when I was trying to leave with them, locked him and them in the house so I couldn't get in; when I tried to walk somewhere with a phone and Jordan (who was 5 at the time), he came out and literally drug me back into the house by my hair. Or the night he was calmly detailing everything I did wrong in life and in relationships; I told him he should just leave me then because it was obvious I couldn't change to be the person he wanted/needed, so he turned around and punched the fan in front of me, which then flew back and hit me in the nose, giving me two black eyes in the process. All of these incidents and so many more were all my fault, though.
2. quick attachment and expression. After nearly 17 years, I don't know if my memory fails me or not, but I don't really remember this being an issue in our relationship. The only clear sign of this may have been in the beginning when I would go out with my friends and someone would come up to buy me a drink or talk to me and another person would come up and warn this person to steer clear of me, as I was T's girl (all this while he was living with his ex and their baby--which I was completely unaware of). He also would blow up and start fights if anyone talked to me or even looked in my direction while we were out. At the time I thought this was "sweet" (oh God how pathetic is that!!), now I see it was the beginning of his treating me like his "property".
3. Frightening temper. Enough said about that--see above. I should have realized when he was getting banned from every bar in the area for fighting and when he would run people off the road for cutting him off or not going fast enough, and when he would break things because he was pissed off that something was wrong with this picture, but of course not.
4. Killing your self-confidence. Gee, where to begin with this one. I have never cooked properly, my cleaning skills are not up to par, I don't do laundry properly, I don't know how to raise or discipline children, I think I am so smart, I let everyone walk all over me (except him, of course), I had a shitty childhood and my family is trash, I am too fat and should watch what I eat (this when I was pregnant), I nag too much or don't talk enough, I have a terrible memory, I am terrible with money (which, it has come to my attention finally that the only reason I have money problems is because of him), and I basically couldn't survive without him telling me what I am doing wrong and how to fix it. If only I would listen to him and take his "suggestions" to heart, I would be a much better person. As it stands now I can't believe people don't vomit when they are in my presence, and my friends and family are only pretending to like me because they want something from me.
5. Cutting off your support. It's hard to have any friends or family around when you never know how he is going to act towards them, or to me later on that evening. I had to leave my best friends' wedding (of which I was the maid of honor) because he didn't like those people. He has fought with both of my brothers numerous times. My son has left home at a young age because the stress was too great for all of us; now he has started working his "magic" on our daughters. I was not allowed to speak to or interact with my son's father (actually--funny story--his name is Troy (my son's father) and we were not even allowed to have that movie (the one with Brad Pitt) in the house because it carried the same name). I couldn't even visit my dying sister because it became too much with the constant verbal abuse and harassment after leaving her house!!
6. The mean and sweet cycle. Yeah, we never really had this. The only sweet cycle I get is when I finally save up the money and the courage to leave again and he is on his best behavior for a brief period until he worms his way back in. Then he only gets more paranoid and has me followed so he can ensure I am not trying to run again (all my fault of course).
7. It's always your fault. Yep, of course it is. When he left me to drive myself and the kids to my sister's funeral after screaming at me that I was basically a piece of shit, it was my fault because I wasn't paying enough attention to him. When he goes into a snit over something it is always my fault for not doing something, or for doing something, or for daring to ask where the rent money is or where he's going at 10 pm, or for talking too much when I should know he doesn't feel like talking right now, or for not talking enough (what's my problem this time) or for not listening to his needs, or for not calling enough, or for calling too much, or for not taking the trash to the dump, or for taking the trash to the dump again, or because I didn't buy anything he wanted at the store, or because I spent too much at the store.............
8. Breakup Panic. The latest one is that he is going to quit his job and move far away, leaving me to care for the children and our bills on my own. I guess this came about because he knows I am now being garnished again for one of our expenses. Little does he know I would rather he do that and let me figure it out than to have him here making it even harder to make ends meet!! Of course he loves me and our children when we are gone. Of course he realizes that we "both" need to make some changes in this relationship in order for it to work. But, I've heard them all...including that he will kill me, take the kids from me, or basically make my life hell if I dare to leave him.
9. No outside interests. I had to give up my college courses initially because it took me away from home too often (two nights a week); he made it impossible to do my homework because he would make comments and occasionally rip my work etc if his comments didn't do the job. Now I am taking online courses and of course it takes his precious time--he should have my undivided attention whenever he is here, regardless of what I am doing when he gets here or what time that might be; this time though I refuse to give in. It is a little harder having to work assignments around his actions, but I WILL do it!! The kids were never allowed to participate in sports or anything because that was too much of a time investment. They could never have friends over--he deserves a quiet and peaceful home when he is here--and I was never allowed to go anywhere with my friends; I am too old for that at this point anyway. I can't read or write because he makes it impossible, I shouldn't be wasting time with that anyway. I can't take the kids to plays, the beach, or the movies because we can't afford it anyway (meanwhile he is buying RVs, cars, trucks, and going anywhere he likes).
10. Paranoid control. This one really struck home when I read it. It is so on the money. I have my cell phone on my body at all times when I am not working, even when I am in the bathroom. I know that inevitably he will call when I don't have it on me and this will lead to an inquisition and a huge blowup because I must have been doing something. I don't go anywhere without first telling him (usually texting it to him so I don't have to hear it beforehand) but I can't really enjoy myself because I am always conscious of the time limit I have and the fact that I will be interrogated afterwards. He goes through my purse, my computer, my files, my car. He goes through all my calls and texts (I find myself deleting anything that might be construed as "suspicious" which might even include innocent statements like I love you from my son.) I have been followed to the store and then questioned later about every detail of my trip to see if I will "omit" something. He has figured out how to get into my email accounts and my facebook and I regularly get questioned about friend requests, friends, etc. And yes, he even goes through my trash, which is why I go to the dump daily anyway. It makes me sick to think of how much control he has on my every move!!
11. Public embarrassment. Okay, so there was my friend's wedding, that was pretty embarrassing. But there was also the time I went to the grocery store and he came in there while I was in line. I always bag my own groceries; not only does it save time and help out the harried cashier, but it also helps me to know where each item is when I get home. He comes in there and with a line behind me he proceeds to begin berating me about what an idiot I am in front of everyone. He grabs my hand and starts throwing things out of the bags back onto the conveyor belt screaming that this is what the loser working here gets paid for and I am acting like trash. I never went back in that grocery store again. He makes rude comments to people if we do go out about how ignorant or ugly or whatever they may be, which humiliates me beyond belief (the only thing I can say is thank God we don't usually go anywhere together.)
12. It's never enough. Again, of course not. If I would only care enough, do enough, or just heed his suggestions he would be happy and life would be grand for all of us. In reality if only I would shut up and take it that I am just a sounding board and a sex toy for him, then things would be grand--I might be dead inside, but he would be happy.
13. Entitlement. Again, no need to even elaborate on this one. Of course he is entitled to his feelings and to act on them in any way he sees fit. Of course he is entitled to take sex from me when he wants it, regardless of whether I am comatose or on my death bed or really just hating him and wishing he would die in his sleep, I married him and he has that right. Of course he can say anything he wants to me or the kids; we are his family and why should he have to censor himself when he feels something. It isn't fair of me or of anyone else to expect him to become someone he's not in order to make us happy. The world revolves around him don't you know?
14. Your friends and family dislike him. From day one!!! Why didn't I listen to all the stories? Even his own sister asked me in the beginning why I would want to be with him. Shouldn't that have been the biggest red flag of all?!
15. Bad stories. Countless stories, not so many now (although they are still occurring at his age), should have read between the lines.
16. The waitress test. It is not only members of the opposite sex, anyone is fair game. The most telling is that he is always very vocal about his contempt and hatred of white people. I am white, he is black. White people are all ignorant, stupid, closet racists in his opinion. Again, what the hell was I thinking?!
17. The reputation. As I said, his own friends and family tried to warn me away, but here we are. He found it amusing that his crew (he is a superintendent for an iron company) told him two years ago that he needed anger management classes; but of course that was my fault because I was putting too much stress on him.
18. Walking on eggshells. I long ago learned to censor myself and to gauge his moods before I bring up bills that need to be paid or anything. In fact, I stopped actually asking him for his share; I just wait until he decides to give it to me--imagine that late fees that I have had to pay over the years. I stopped doing things I enjoy, the kids know to be silent when he is home, basically we all just live in fear of when he might snap again. And he loves that!! What a sick, perverse individual!! I am afraid to talk to anyone because I don't want to hear about it for the next two weeks. I stopped even going on my facebook because he was monitoring anything I posted or that was posted to me. I don't do homework if he's home because it might set him off. In fact, I run around cleaning like a crazy person, regardless of how I feel, because I don't want to be "sitting on my ass being lazy" again. UGGGHHHH>>>>
19. Discounted feelings/opinion. I don't share my opinions about anything because (even if he comes around to the same thing later) I am a fucking moron who knows nothing if I dare to voice an opinion. Or if it happens to be different than his, I am attacking him and this causes a day's long fight. When I tell him the way he is acting makes me unhappy or whatever, I am crazy or overreacting or expecting too much--basically I live in a fairy tale world which is why I am no longer "allowed" to read books that give me stupid ideas. Doesn't that sound kind of like the slave owners treated their slaves? They didn't want them getting any ideas so they kept them illiterate?
20. They make you "crazy". This one also hit home pretty strongly. I have found myself doing these very things in order to keep the peace. I've gone one better though, I have been known to reset the trip odometer halfway home in case I might have run to the store or someplace I might have forgotten so I don't have to listen to 20 questions about my lies! When I finally lose my cool and scream at him in frustration, I am left feeling like an imbecile and apologizing. I am not a mean person, I do not like for my kids to see me screaming and crazy acting--they get enough of that from one of their parents. Even though I do not direct my anger at them, I find myself apologizing and explaining to them that I lost my cool and I am so sorry that they had to see it. Then I have to apologize to him because (his words) I acted like a lunatic and disrespected him in front of the children.
2. quick attachment and expression. After nearly 17 years, I don't know if my memory fails me or not, but I don't really remember this being an issue in our relationship. The only clear sign of this may have been in the beginning when I would go out with my friends and someone would come up to buy me a drink or talk to me and another person would come up and warn this person to steer clear of me, as I was T's girl (all this while he was living with his ex and their baby--which I was completely unaware of). He also would blow up and start fights if anyone talked to me or even looked in my direction while we were out. At the time I thought this was "sweet" (oh God how pathetic is that!!), now I see it was the beginning of his treating me like his "property".
3. Frightening temper. Enough said about that--see above. I should have realized when he was getting banned from every bar in the area for fighting and when he would run people off the road for cutting him off or not going fast enough, and when he would break things because he was pissed off that something was wrong with this picture, but of course not.
4. Killing your self-confidence. Gee, where to begin with this one. I have never cooked properly, my cleaning skills are not up to par, I don't do laundry properly, I don't know how to raise or discipline children, I think I am so smart, I let everyone walk all over me (except him, of course), I had a shitty childhood and my family is trash, I am too fat and should watch what I eat (this when I was pregnant), I nag too much or don't talk enough, I have a terrible memory, I am terrible with money (which, it has come to my attention finally that the only reason I have money problems is because of him), and I basically couldn't survive without him telling me what I am doing wrong and how to fix it. If only I would listen to him and take his "suggestions" to heart, I would be a much better person. As it stands now I can't believe people don't vomit when they are in my presence, and my friends and family are only pretending to like me because they want something from me.
5. Cutting off your support. It's hard to have any friends or family around when you never know how he is going to act towards them, or to me later on that evening. I had to leave my best friends' wedding (of which I was the maid of honor) because he didn't like those people. He has fought with both of my brothers numerous times. My son has left home at a young age because the stress was too great for all of us; now he has started working his "magic" on our daughters. I was not allowed to speak to or interact with my son's father (actually--funny story--his name is Troy (my son's father) and we were not even allowed to have that movie (the one with Brad Pitt) in the house because it carried the same name). I couldn't even visit my dying sister because it became too much with the constant verbal abuse and harassment after leaving her house!!
6. The mean and sweet cycle. Yeah, we never really had this. The only sweet cycle I get is when I finally save up the money and the courage to leave again and he is on his best behavior for a brief period until he worms his way back in. Then he only gets more paranoid and has me followed so he can ensure I am not trying to run again (all my fault of course).
7. It's always your fault. Yep, of course it is. When he left me to drive myself and the kids to my sister's funeral after screaming at me that I was basically a piece of shit, it was my fault because I wasn't paying enough attention to him. When he goes into a snit over something it is always my fault for not doing something, or for doing something, or for daring to ask where the rent money is or where he's going at 10 pm, or for talking too much when I should know he doesn't feel like talking right now, or for not talking enough (what's my problem this time) or for not listening to his needs, or for not calling enough, or for calling too much, or for not taking the trash to the dump, or for taking the trash to the dump again, or because I didn't buy anything he wanted at the store, or because I spent too much at the store.............
8. Breakup Panic. The latest one is that he is going to quit his job and move far away, leaving me to care for the children and our bills on my own. I guess this came about because he knows I am now being garnished again for one of our expenses. Little does he know I would rather he do that and let me figure it out than to have him here making it even harder to make ends meet!! Of course he loves me and our children when we are gone. Of course he realizes that we "both" need to make some changes in this relationship in order for it to work. But, I've heard them all...including that he will kill me, take the kids from me, or basically make my life hell if I dare to leave him.
9. No outside interests. I had to give up my college courses initially because it took me away from home too often (two nights a week); he made it impossible to do my homework because he would make comments and occasionally rip my work etc if his comments didn't do the job. Now I am taking online courses and of course it takes his precious time--he should have my undivided attention whenever he is here, regardless of what I am doing when he gets here or what time that might be; this time though I refuse to give in. It is a little harder having to work assignments around his actions, but I WILL do it!! The kids were never allowed to participate in sports or anything because that was too much of a time investment. They could never have friends over--he deserves a quiet and peaceful home when he is here--and I was never allowed to go anywhere with my friends; I am too old for that at this point anyway. I can't read or write because he makes it impossible, I shouldn't be wasting time with that anyway. I can't take the kids to plays, the beach, or the movies because we can't afford it anyway (meanwhile he is buying RVs, cars, trucks, and going anywhere he likes).
10. Paranoid control. This one really struck home when I read it. It is so on the money. I have my cell phone on my body at all times when I am not working, even when I am in the bathroom. I know that inevitably he will call when I don't have it on me and this will lead to an inquisition and a huge blowup because I must have been doing something. I don't go anywhere without first telling him (usually texting it to him so I don't have to hear it beforehand) but I can't really enjoy myself because I am always conscious of the time limit I have and the fact that I will be interrogated afterwards. He goes through my purse, my computer, my files, my car. He goes through all my calls and texts (I find myself deleting anything that might be construed as "suspicious" which might even include innocent statements like I love you from my son.) I have been followed to the store and then questioned later about every detail of my trip to see if I will "omit" something. He has figured out how to get into my email accounts and my facebook and I regularly get questioned about friend requests, friends, etc. And yes, he even goes through my trash, which is why I go to the dump daily anyway. It makes me sick to think of how much control he has on my every move!!
11. Public embarrassment. Okay, so there was my friend's wedding, that was pretty embarrassing. But there was also the time I went to the grocery store and he came in there while I was in line. I always bag my own groceries; not only does it save time and help out the harried cashier, but it also helps me to know where each item is when I get home. He comes in there and with a line behind me he proceeds to begin berating me about what an idiot I am in front of everyone. He grabs my hand and starts throwing things out of the bags back onto the conveyor belt screaming that this is what the loser working here gets paid for and I am acting like trash. I never went back in that grocery store again. He makes rude comments to people if we do go out about how ignorant or ugly or whatever they may be, which humiliates me beyond belief (the only thing I can say is thank God we don't usually go anywhere together.)
12. It's never enough. Again, of course not. If I would only care enough, do enough, or just heed his suggestions he would be happy and life would be grand for all of us. In reality if only I would shut up and take it that I am just a sounding board and a sex toy for him, then things would be grand--I might be dead inside, but he would be happy.
13. Entitlement. Again, no need to even elaborate on this one. Of course he is entitled to his feelings and to act on them in any way he sees fit. Of course he is entitled to take sex from me when he wants it, regardless of whether I am comatose or on my death bed or really just hating him and wishing he would die in his sleep, I married him and he has that right. Of course he can say anything he wants to me or the kids; we are his family and why should he have to censor himself when he feels something. It isn't fair of me or of anyone else to expect him to become someone he's not in order to make us happy. The world revolves around him don't you know?
14. Your friends and family dislike him. From day one!!! Why didn't I listen to all the stories? Even his own sister asked me in the beginning why I would want to be with him. Shouldn't that have been the biggest red flag of all?!
15. Bad stories. Countless stories, not so many now (although they are still occurring at his age), should have read between the lines.
16. The waitress test. It is not only members of the opposite sex, anyone is fair game. The most telling is that he is always very vocal about his contempt and hatred of white people. I am white, he is black. White people are all ignorant, stupid, closet racists in his opinion. Again, what the hell was I thinking?!
17. The reputation. As I said, his own friends and family tried to warn me away, but here we are. He found it amusing that his crew (he is a superintendent for an iron company) told him two years ago that he needed anger management classes; but of course that was my fault because I was putting too much stress on him.
18. Walking on eggshells. I long ago learned to censor myself and to gauge his moods before I bring up bills that need to be paid or anything. In fact, I stopped actually asking him for his share; I just wait until he decides to give it to me--imagine that late fees that I have had to pay over the years. I stopped doing things I enjoy, the kids know to be silent when he is home, basically we all just live in fear of when he might snap again. And he loves that!! What a sick, perverse individual!! I am afraid to talk to anyone because I don't want to hear about it for the next two weeks. I stopped even going on my facebook because he was monitoring anything I posted or that was posted to me. I don't do homework if he's home because it might set him off. In fact, I run around cleaning like a crazy person, regardless of how I feel, because I don't want to be "sitting on my ass being lazy" again. UGGGHHHH>>>>
19. Discounted feelings/opinion. I don't share my opinions about anything because (even if he comes around to the same thing later) I am a fucking moron who knows nothing if I dare to voice an opinion. Or if it happens to be different than his, I am attacking him and this causes a day's long fight. When I tell him the way he is acting makes me unhappy or whatever, I am crazy or overreacting or expecting too much--basically I live in a fairy tale world which is why I am no longer "allowed" to read books that give me stupid ideas. Doesn't that sound kind of like the slave owners treated their slaves? They didn't want them getting any ideas so they kept them illiterate?
20. They make you "crazy". This one also hit home pretty strongly. I have found myself doing these very things in order to keep the peace. I've gone one better though, I have been known to reset the trip odometer halfway home in case I might have run to the store or someplace I might have forgotten so I don't have to listen to 20 questions about my lies! When I finally lose my cool and scream at him in frustration, I am left feeling like an imbecile and apologizing. I am not a mean person, I do not like for my kids to see me screaming and crazy acting--they get enough of that from one of their parents. Even though I do not direct my anger at them, I find myself apologizing and explaining to them that I lost my cool and I am so sorry that they had to see it. Then I have to apologize to him because (his words) I acted like a lunatic and disrespected him in front of the children.
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