My procedures

I have two amazing kids, a 3 year old son and a 6 year old daughter. About 8 months ago I became pregnant with our 3rd child. The pregnancy was very short lived. The day after I had the positive pregnancy test I started having severe abdominal pain that was much much worse than any normal early-pregnancy-growing-pains. I was also spotting, (it was not the implantation bleeding that every pregnant woman has).

I went to the ER and they confirmed that I was pregnant but that my HCG levels were not high enough for the gestational age. They assumed that I had passed the fetus and sent me home with a F/up HCG level test for 2 days.

I returned 2 days later for the test and was shocked to be informed that my levels had doubled! I was still pregnant! But the levels were still not high enough for a "normal" fetus, and I was still in extreme pain and my Potassium levels were dropping rapidly. The medical staff could NOT find my fetus inside of me using ultrasound. They gave me two options: to go back home and hope for the fetus to show up, or go through with a laparoscopy to determine the location and cause for so much pain. I could not go home in the amount of pain I was in. I could not even sit up at the time. I was pallor, weak, and my body in shock. I called my husband who was at home with our children and we agreed that it would be safer for MY life to go ahead with the surgery.

When I woke up afterwards I was informed that there was no fetus located inside my uterus or ectopically so they did a D&C to remove any remaining tissue. I was devastated and relieved all at once. I cannot describe the thoughts and feelings that occurred during those few months of recovery. I do not wish it upon any woman. The guilt, the self doubt, the feeling of failing your unborn... I still think about it daily. Its true that they say the pain will never fade, it just gets easier to cope with...

6 months later I was still in physical pain which actually goes back to my first post. After a few appointments and a few poor mans treatments for possible endometriosis, I had my 2nd laparoscopy and D&C which diagnostically confirmed that I have stage IV endometriosis, which was likely the cause of the lost pregnancy. We will never know definitively what happened...

But I can put my mind at ease just a little bit, knowing that I couldn't have changed anything and that everything happens for a reason. That particular reason I believe is that I would've never known I have endometriosis and would've gone about life just thinking I'm crazy in the head... Everything comes at a cost, but I believe that the cost is a sign or signal from somewhere other than what humans can grasp.