My problem marriage
I am a 42 yr old mother of 5. I have been married to the same man for 23 yrs. Nothing is right in my world It has ben a miserable marriage for most of the time. I have swallowed my self worth, dignity and pride for most of it. I did such a great job hiding my sadness and disappointment that my children didn’t know anything was wrong. Now 23 yrs into the marriage the reality of a girlfriend for my husband has rocked our worlds. The man that I have given my whole life to has disrespected me in the worst possible way. After much soul searching I have decided to divorce him. He believes because he has found the lord that I must forgive and stay with him. I already forgive him, but I don’t think forgiving should have to mean staying together. I don’t agree with him and am moving forward with the divorce. He is having such a horrible time coming to terms with this. He has managed to turn all five of my children against me. He speaks like a slimy snack filling their heads with lies and exaggerations, of course always to make me look bad. He always paints himself as the hero, the one who found the lord and has changed, he deserves to be treated so much better then this, ohh poor him. I have not treated him badly, I have simply demanded my own private space and independence and some form of respect about my decisions. I am doing everything I can to try to rebuild my life, not his but mine. My future does not have him in it and he just cant handle it. In my attempt to start a new life I started dating. I wanted something in my days that I could enjoy, look forward to and that would help me keep focused on my new future. I found someone who I really enjoyed talking to and spending time with. He of course was someone who filled all the gaps that were missing, attention, respect, appreciation, acceptance. He respected my thoughts, laughed at my corny humor, and always had time for me. My daily life is filled with misery and sadness. Constantly being yelled at to my face and through texts to my phone. I have been told by my own children to rot in hell for what I have done to their dad. No one cared how distraught I was when his girlfriend was revealed. No one cares about the sadness in my heart. I don’t understand this, these are my children and they don’t want me or care about me in any way. Because I have decided to stand my ground about the divorce, my future and demanding respect from my children now they are screaming that they want the courts to order me on meds and therapy. I have never stood up for myself before so now that I am I must be nuts. I don’t have a problem with seeing a therapist. I get to go to the one that they choose, not someone of my choice. This doesn’t seem right to me. They go to their appointments first and prep the therapist for their crazy mom who is coming in next. This just doesn’t seem appropriate to me. All of these troubles started last July so it has been 6 months of absolute hell. I am fighting for my kids, my home, alimony and child support. All of the kids have said that they will not stay with me, so I wonder what really am I fighting for. Because I have demanded respect from a man who disrespected me, because I am demanding a future on my terms and not his, because I want a future that I might enjoy and not despise, because I have chosen self respect, dignity and honor I will lose my children. If I swallow my pride and give into my husbands demands of meds and his therapists. If I accept the other woman’s existence and a future on his terms and conditions. Then I am a horrible example to my children of how to be treated and how to treat others. If I continue to stand up for my future happiness, and myself I get to lose my children. Either way because of all of this ugliness our relationships will forever be changed and forever be damaged. I’m damned if I do and damned if I don’t. I hate the fact I feel like I’m pushed in a corner. Once again my thoughts, opinions and pain don’t mean anything to anyone.
Replies
First, do not date. No matter how lonely you are, do not do it. You are still married. You are not doing yourself any good. Second, those teenage years are the most difficult years to get through. They are scared and they usually lash out at the one they know will stand by them no matter what. I pulled the plug on my marriage and my daughter did not talk to me for two years. But when he started to treat her the way he used to treat me, she called me. The same day I picked her up and she moved in with me. A small one bedroom condo, but we did it. You will never lose your children and the relationship can and will be amended. Honey, therapists are not naive, they have heard it all before. Get a lawyer and a financial advisor. Get another therapist if you have to. Go to both and compare them. I also talked to my priest. What he said to me really floored me. I teaching my children that it is alright to be treated with such malice and disrespect. Teens are the most self-centered creatures on the planet. How I handled him when he started to play that poor is me card, just smiled and walked away. Head held up high. You did not say whether he is still living with you, but if not, NO CONTACT rule is golden. Hugs
Your advise is wonderful and rings very true. I am understanding all of this but the process is killing me. Yes we are still living together, he refuses to leave. I am now looking at apartments for myself. problems are though that I have only been at my job for 1 week, he is refusing to pay anything at all, and I worry that when I leave the kids will think I\'m giving up on them. He starts his rants everyday and I just go to my room and shut the door. He has broken 3 doors now demanding my ear and response so then I just leave the house. Then he of course tells my kids I\'ve abandoned them. Its all a big ugly mess that I can\'t seem to get ahead of or under control. Thank you for listening and responding.
Whatever you do, don\'t leave the kids in the marital home. Some judges view this as abandonment and he could get custody of the kids with you paying child support. If he is breaking doors and becoming abusive call the police, file a report. You may be able to get him removed from the home.
As far as a therapist goes, go to one YOU want, not one they pick for you. I agree, they all may be influencing the therapist with their version of \"truth\". You need an advocate for you.
If you have not contacted an attorney, please do so.
sending hugs!!!
You may need to file divorce then he may have to leave. I know i tend to leave to avoid conflict but I take the kids. Your in an awful situation....I feel for you makes mine seem almost easy. I also would hold off on any dating till divorced. Bit if this is what you want and sounds like your certain I would just file and don\'t cancel it. Sending hugs.
Hi there. Some of my DS friends have commented on your journal so I read it. I hope you don\'t mind.
I agree with the others about dating before getting divorced. I understand you need something positive to focus on while you are going through all this, but it is not a healthy way to deal with all of this. Read up on rebounding. You are only adding gasoline to the huge inferno you dealing with. If you can, find some activities you can do outside of the home. Volunteer or join a group. Meetup.com has tons of groups getting together.
I agree with the others, choose your own therapist. You need someone you trust. What hurtinandhealin said is true, you must not leave the marital home because it is considered abandonment. You might end up paying child support on everyone under 18 if you do. If he is not paying bills, you don\'t pay them either. Unfortunately whatever money you are earning or saving is considered joint property, so don\'t buy anything or think your going to be able to save a chunk of money to leave...it\'s half his unless you have filed and there is an official date of separation.
Have you seen a lawyer?
I filed in October.
We have our 6 month court date in March.
He is threatening to move out and the kids are saying they want to be with him. He will leave me the home but I question why because I won\'t have my kids I don\'t then need the more expensive home. I won\'t be able to afford it without alimony of which he is refusing because he has to pay his rent to keep a roof over the kids heads so he can\'t pay me. The kids are of the ages to decide for themselves and because he continually makes me look horrible they will pick him and have said so themselves. It doesn\'t make sense to stay here if I\'m not able to afford it.
please bare in mind he hasn\'t moved out and all are verbal threats that I listen to every day. I know the courts have the final say.
I have been unemployed for the last 3 yrs due to the fact that I was fighting cancer. I don\'t have my own money, he controls the bank account and keeps it at zero. I did just star a new job but only part time, and yes that money is going into my personal bank account not his. Lawyers instructions! I have also started studying for a new career that will hopefully give me a brighter financial future.
I hope this helps answer some questions
I do appreciate all the advice. Thank you so much
Aw I am really feeling for you. You have had so many other struggles and having to deal with this too! I am hoping the kids will come to see he isn t totally right. You have a side too. We weren\'t even ever arrived so not even dealing with a divorce. Also congrats on a career path. I am doing the very same thing! I should go back in Aug I pray.