My Personal Journey
My husband was diagnosed two years ago with a malignant tumor in his right lung. Together we weathered chemo, radiation and ultimately surgery. What joy we felt when he was declared cancer free with a 20-30% of return. However, that joy was short lived and four months later it returned in his small intestinal area. He tried chemo again, but was hospitalized in April. After 3 weeks in the hospital and an elective surgery, of which two weeks I spent the nights with him, and 3 weeks of home hospice, I was with my partner of 38 years when he took his last breath. Life for me has been ultimately changed forever. I can see improvement in the three months since his passing, but there exists pain, depression, fear, and anxiety. Other "well-meaning" people have such future projections and expectations for me. It is enough to take you on a downhill spiral if you allow it to. Instead, after hard learned lessons, I have begun to dig into my own soul and discover how I feel. No one knows the journey as it is a personal one for each of us, and based on the relationship you had with each other. Because of the comments, I became afraid of God and to pray. However, I have resumed my relationship with the Lord as he knows how I feel inside. I talk to him like I talk to my counselor, and just ask him to give me the strength to do the best I can today. I cannot concern myself about tomorrow, next month, or next year. I only have the strength to do today. It helps to surround yourself with people who understand, and think like you do. You don't need people telling you that your life won't be happy, fulfilled or complete again unless you do particular things. It has only been three months and I cannot part with some of my husband's clothes and shoes. Actually, his closet is exactly the way he left it. Everyone tells me that I will know when the time is right, if it ever is. I also have the fear of hating to go home to my house, when actually I love our home and it gives me the security and peace that I need. Our life insurance allowed me to pay off the mortgage, which also allows me to live comfortably on my salary. We are in a 55+ community, clean, peaceful, and wonderful neighbors. I can't imagine living anywhere else, or struggling to make the rent/mortgage payment in another location. I am, however, making slow changes to the interior. A flower here, a new pillow there. Once I get an issue straightened out, I will be replacing the vertical blinds in both bedrooms. Everything seems to be a struggle, and takes a lot of energy to confront. However, I should pat myself on the back for being able to be independent and manage a home on my own. It is one thing my husband is most likely proud of. That he provided for his wife, and she doesn't have to worry about anything but herself and recovery. I feel that God has another purpose for me now in this life. I have had a wonderful marriage with a soul mate and there is a plan now for me to fulfill my life until my husband returns for me. Everyone seems to think that a new future relationship is the answer and you won't be complete unless you do so. I don't believe that. I'm not just a package. I am a woman with feelings.