my path

I haven't binged much lately. I've been buying a pack of chocolates once a week and going at them, as a de stresser and a comfort for being sad but it's not full binge mode.I don't really get that anymore. I know that I was using 'that' substance as a way to hurt myself, to shove away those feelings and the pain. . the depression. I've noticed that i've taken to hitting myself lately. I'll hit myself in the head, with my ring on so it hurts, or i'll slap myself hard in the legs. But just to get this aggression out and to get my head to shut up!!!  Maybe I need to see a counsellor. But it's not like I want to jump infront of cars, it just sounds like i'm being a child and feeling as emotionally unstable as a child in the doing so. I guess it's all this change and not handling my workloads, but I know it's still my thought life. My thoughts just annoy the shit out of me, and I find it really hard to be mindless and enjoy my time alone. Maybe I should see a counsellor.Anyway here I am journalling to try and let some of this aggression out, some of the frustration I've got about myself. About how I don't think I'm thin or good looking enough and want to change that, how I dont' feel like iv'e got enough time, how I feel burdened by my uni load and angry at myself for having done nothing and it's week 5 and i fear i'll fail, nervous about my placement because I've had some bad experiences and I'm frightened to go back there with all those nut-jobs with severe psychological disorders. I just don't feel safe around all those grown men with messed up minds and lives - I know it's sad and all but it's scary.. and there's just no protection. Is that bad enough to say? I feel maybe i've been spoiled and don't really what the real world is, or what I've been asking for in studying to be a therapist? Maybe i'm just doing my work experience at the wrong place and it's getting to me too much. But I'll be a brave girl and go back tommorrow. I knwo i've been ignoring God. I always lose focus when I have been. And it's always more difficult to go back and I can feel myself resisting christian related activities like reading my bible and prayer. I will resolve to go to church next week wherever that bloody fucking place will be.  I'm just so agitated and aggressive, I take it out on myself and yet feel like i'm not hard enough on myself. What am I trying to punish myself for? ? ?