My own VICIOUS CYCLE

I was up every hour last night with cramping diarrhea.  We were celebrating my 8yr olds birthday with a cookout where I ate 1 1/2 pineapple brawts (with buns), chips and dip, raw veggies with hummus, and TONS of chocolate cake with buttercream icing.  THEN, guess what I eat tonight???  Leftover pineapple brawt and a HUGE piece of chocolate cake.  When I woke up today I felt like I had been out drinking till 3 am...I'm assuming that's why I ended up eating so poorly again today.  It's dangerous when I'm too tired.  It's my own VICIOUS CYCLE.  I could probably be feeling really good by now if I could stick to a diet.  I'll do really good for a few days and then I binge.  It's so depressing.  It's been an issue from as long as I can remember.  I know I talk about it ALL the time in my journal entries.  I feel so good, both mentally and physically, when I eat well...you'd think I'd do it all the time.  I do not want to spend my life battling with myself.  I read that it is impossible to have room for love when you obsess over something.  I know for me, my relationship is never its best when I'm struggling with food and frequently binging.  I want happiness to come easy...it's never seemed to.  I want to no longer have to numb myself with food...or anything.  I want to always live in the moment.