my oh my

Well Its been a while since I journaled. We went on vacation and things have been crazy trying to get Ian back on schedule. I have been trying to read everyone’s journals and updates. If some have slipped by im sorry. So where do I even begin. I had a OB apt Tuesday and another ultrasound. Anita is still a girl. Yay!!!! She looks great and healthy. I saw a doctor I have never seen and both Dh and I don’t like her at all. I will make sure to never schedule another appointment with her. Dh didn’t like her so much he wanted me to call and complain but I decided against that and Will just make sure not to see her again. I scheduled my next appointment with a midwife. Im excited. Ill be more than ½ way through the pregnancy at that time.
 
On to Ian. He is so stinking cute. I love him more and more every day. Each day is better than the next. He is a little sponge right now and watching him learn new things blows me away everyday. He is so funny. I could just watch him and laugh all day, Sometimes I do. How can you love someone more and more everyday. He is so independent. I already miss him from when I will be having Anita. I know crazy.
 
My cali vacation was ok except I almost killed my brother literally and told my parents I never want to see him again and that we will never go to their house if he is their. He was so rude and disrespectful to my aunt and her house he is no longer welcomed there. Seeing all my family was great and I got to spend some awesome time with my grandma and her with Ian. I love her more than anything and we are super close. She seems to be doing really good. She is very sick and is on oxygen 100%. She had more energy than I have seen her have in years. It was great. It eases my mind a little that it wont be the last time I see her. A fear I always have. My mom is still crazy and I just want to slap some since to her. She really pissed me off and I just have to get over the fact that we will never be close because she is crazy and drama and I DON’T DO DRAMA. I told her as much.
 
Now on to me and DH all we have done for the last few months is fight fight fight. I cant take it anymore. He just doesn’t get it. He butts heads with me over everything and wonders why I snap at him. For example. This evening I was making country fried steak for dinner and Ian kept running in the kitchen getting under foot and I asked DH to please keep him out of the kitchen I am cooking and its not safe. What did he do. Argue with me. He sat his lazy butt on the couch and said well he will just run back in there. So I blew up and was like get your ass off the couch and get your son. Play with him distract him and if he runs back in there get him. He was like its not dangerous you always cook with him in there. So I blew up and was like I don’t have to freaking explain everything to you. If I say its not safe its not safe. Its crap like that all day everyday. He cant just do something I ask with out butting heads with me. I told him Im sick and tired of it im sick of having the same fight. I told him if things are not better between us before we move back to Georgia, we will separate. I told him the only reason I am still her is because I am trapped and I will not hurt ian by taking him away from his dad. I wont do that to him. He loves his daddy so I will suffer. Our relationship is so hostile and we are both so fed up it never gets better and we never have time to let things calm down. HE then said the stupidest thing ever and was like that’s why its good when I go out of town. It gives us time apart. I was like really see you don’t get it. When you leave everything is on my plate. I have 100% of the responsibility. To which he says all you do is play with Ian its not hard. I blew up again and wanted to wring his neck. I was like if its so freaking easy then why have half of the wives of your co-workers left their husbands and moved home. Its not as easy as you think or they wouldn’t be leaving. He only hears what he wants. Its been over a year of me telling him the same thing. He was like well you should find a counselor. Of course I should because I have to do everything. I know its horrible but I don’t want to go to counseling. I know what will happen. James will say a bunch of crap he will do and then not do it then say sorry and still not o it just like he does now. Our sex life is non existent and so is any level of intimacy. I told him at this points it feels awkward and uncomfortable and at almost 30 years old I don’t need that feeling. I was like don’t even think about anything until we are better. He just doesn’t get it. I hate that I have to fight for everything and he cant ever do anything I ask without a fight. Its about 95 degrees today and he was leaning on me and I asked him to please move its making me hot and he wouldn’t budge. I had to ask 3 times and the 3rd time I was not so nice. I just want him to freaking listen and do what I say the first time. He gets home from work and I ASK HIM if he will please pick up his laundry that I asked him to 3 days again and please but some boxes in the attic I asked him to do 3 days ago. So he finally does it and then makes a big deal that he has been cleaning up ever since he got home. I was like WTH? Are you serious. You were doing things you should have done days ago. Im so tired of him. I honestly am. I just think we need a break. We need time to decompress and let things cool off and just concentrate on working on us. That wont happen here. THIs is not what I wanted for my life or marriage. We are not that couple that will look back and say where did this go wrong. I know I can pin-point it to the day. September 28 2009. He moved to DC for a job while I stayed in GA and had the baby. We were separated for 7 ½ months. I raised ian the first 5 month by myself. He never gave me credit and always made excuses as to why it was easy for me. He never acknowledges the sacrifices I HAVE made career wise. He only says that I am lucky and should be thankful I get to stay home. I never wanted to stay home. Its just not my thing. I went back to work when Ian was 7 weeks old and worked up until we moved to DC. He down plays everything when it comes to me. He is so negative about everything and only hears what he wants. About anything. Im so sick and tired of having the same conversation with him because he wont pay attention then he gets mad at me when he misses something or doesn’t know something. Im tired of changing 10 diapers a day all by myself yet when he gets home he needs my help. Our son is 19 months grow up. Im tired of him not even knowing how to make our son a meal without asking me a question ever step of the way. I told him he is crazy if he thinks for 2 seconds I will be doing it all for 2 kids he has lost his mind. I told him from this day on when he is making dinner for ian he needs to do it without me. I didn’t have anyone to ask questions and I do just fine. I told him ian is way to old for him not to know these things. Im sure eventually we will work it out and be ok but we are not right now and im trapped and pregnant. I just wish I felt appreciated and didn’t have to fight to get the simplest of things done like the safety of my son.