My not to worry beads,and how I use them

Good afternoon journal,the time is now 12:14pm,and unusually for me,my entry today is later than when I usually post.The last few days for me have been difficult mentally as well as physically,I have been feeling very weak physically,and my weakness coupled with my mental inability to remain in control at times,has made it increasingly hard to post in my usual manner.I have found it increasingly difficult to control my emotions,finding my anger coming to the surface more than I would like,it is very hard on my wife,and today,I am making every effort to keep my emotions under stricter control.At this present moment,I am managing,with some effort,to maintain an evenness in my thoughts and actions,although I still feel very weak and tired physically. I am concerned that the voices in my mind have been in evidence over the last few days,and as always when they are,I find it very hard to control my thought process,and in turn,sometimes my actions.The anti psychotic medication I am currently on should be making a difference,and,to be truthful,there are times when it does truly make a difference,but on the days,or hours,that it doesn't help, that confuses me and lowers my spirits markedly.I received a letter a few days ago telling me to attend for a full medical for the benefit agencies people,this morning I received another letter telling me that they had cancelled it due to additional information they had received since.It doesn't say what the additional information was,just that they no longer required me to take a medical,I don't know whether to be glad or not.Onto the title of my entry today,my not to worry beads;I am not catholic,but I do have two sets of rosary beads which I purchased in Spain,one full size and another shortened version.I use them to pray in my daily devotions;they help me to concentrate,and as I move from one bead to the next,I pray on,and for,different things.It may be something that I've heard on the news,or read in the newspapers,it may be something that someone has mentioned in passing,anything in fact,that I feel needs God's help or influence to improve matters.It works for me,if I have a lot of time,I use the full set,if time is limited,I use the shortened set and pray on the most pressing issues.I also have a close relationship with St. Jude,he is the patron Saint of hopeless cases,I figure he's a guy I have an affinity with,for there are times when I feel virtually hopeless,so I talk to him at times like these,sometimes it helps,other times it doesn't,but they say God loves a trier,and I am definitely trying.I used to do what a lot of people do at times when things aren't going so well,I would try and bargain with God,if He would do so and so,I would in return promise to do whatever.It doesn't work like that though,and over the years,I have learned to thank Him when times are good,and ask Him just to give me the strength that only He can when things aren't going so smoothly.I am asking Him for just that strength now,as I type,I need His help to regain control of me today,I am so tired of feeling weak in body and mind,and tired of my wife feeling helpless,today,I will be there for her,today I will be the man I know I can be,have been since I became ill,now journal,I will leave here and do just that.Until next time,peace be in my soul,and willingness and strength be in my heart and mind.