My New Year's resolution
This year I will be a better mother. I have failed miserably at this most important job and wasn't even aware of it. I thought loving my kids with all of my heart and trying my best to shield them from the worst of his actions was enough--it meant I was a good mom. But when I finally, really, sat down and took stock of their lives, I realize that it isn't enough, and even when I thought what I was doing was protecting them, in reality it wasn't.
For instance, I have never taught them healthy boundaries. How could I when I was trying to "make up for" the neglect and outright hostility from him? Instead, I would gloss over their bad actions and not give them consequences because I was trying to hide from him whatever it was they had done. I outright lied to him and quietly "talked" to them about their actions in an effort to avoid any confrontation with him. I also coddled them and told them in an effort to make up for his avoidance of them. I didn't want them to have the backlash of his vitriol and horror and feel badly about themselves.
I also spent a good portion of their lives in a fog. I was tired, beaten down, sad, and terrified for much of their lives. I sometimes snapped at them for little things, I often made them be silent little mice when he was home even though it went totally against the grain of what I believed in to avoid him screaming at me and/or them and them getting upset. Even during the times of relative calm, I was a quivering mass of nerves, always worried about who exactly was going to come home and what he was going to find to complain about, and how bad it was going to get.
I believed him when he told me that I was too soft on the children and that I was ruining them through my poor parenting skills. I believed him when he told me that my son was doing bad things and I needed to take a harder line with him. I let him chase off my son because I was afraid of the consequences and afraid he would hurt my son one day, or just as likely that my son would kill him in a fit of rage. Apparently he did hit my girls when they were little. I don't doubt what they tell me, I can only say that I have no recollection of it. They are also coming clean about how angry they would be when I would not defend them against his vitriol and come to their aid when they requested it. I thought I was keeping the problems from escalating, but now I can see that through their eyes I was abandoning them to his evilness.
Okay, have to go to work now, but wanted to get this down. I was up all night thinking about this.
For instance, I have never taught them healthy boundaries. How could I when I was trying to "make up for" the neglect and outright hostility from him? Instead, I would gloss over their bad actions and not give them consequences because I was trying to hide from him whatever it was they had done. I outright lied to him and quietly "talked" to them about their actions in an effort to avoid any confrontation with him. I also coddled them and told them in an effort to make up for his avoidance of them. I didn't want them to have the backlash of his vitriol and horror and feel badly about themselves.
I also spent a good portion of their lives in a fog. I was tired, beaten down, sad, and terrified for much of their lives. I sometimes snapped at them for little things, I often made them be silent little mice when he was home even though it went totally against the grain of what I believed in to avoid him screaming at me and/or them and them getting upset. Even during the times of relative calm, I was a quivering mass of nerves, always worried about who exactly was going to come home and what he was going to find to complain about, and how bad it was going to get.
I believed him when he told me that I was too soft on the children and that I was ruining them through my poor parenting skills. I believed him when he told me that my son was doing bad things and I needed to take a harder line with him. I let him chase off my son because I was afraid of the consequences and afraid he would hurt my son one day, or just as likely that my son would kill him in a fit of rage. Apparently he did hit my girls when they were little. I don't doubt what they tell me, I can only say that I have no recollection of it. They are also coming clean about how angry they would be when I would not defend them against his vitriol and come to their aid when they requested it. I thought I was keeping the problems from escalating, but now I can see that through their eyes I was abandoning them to his evilness.
Okay, have to go to work now, but wanted to get this down. I was up all night thinking about this.
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