My New Life.....

I don't even know where to begin..I guess I will just start writing and see where it takes me...about a month ago I moved out of my house. My H and I separated after 24 years of being together.  It wasn't an easy decision to make.  It is something I thought about long and hard and it was something I believe had to be done for both of us.  He never would have left. I had to be the one to do it and even though it was my choice it still hurts greatly but I can feel at peace knowing I did the right thing.  What hurts the most is all the hopes and dreams that died on that day I walked out the door....For many years now I have been sleeping in my own room.  I can't even begin to tell you how many nights I cried myself to sleep. My life became reduced to the four walls of my bedroom. I couldn't imagine living life like that for another 24 years.  It got to the point where I dreaded every night he was off work. I couldn't stand to be around him.  This isn't something that just happened lately, it is something that has been going on for many years.  There was just too many things said and done over the years that couldn't be fixed.  As much as I tried those things would eat away at my heart and mind and those feelings I once had for him slowly disappeared. Once those feelings were gone no matter how hard I tried, no matter how bad I wanted it, I couldn't get those feelings back.I made the decision years ago to stay for the kids. I did them no favors because they had to live the life too.  I have a lot of guilt about that but I did what I thought I had to do at the time.  I didn't want to let anybody down. I wanted to believe and I wanted everybody else to believe I was living the perfect life, that I had it all so I smiled on the outside while I was dying on the inside. I just couldn't do it anymore!I will not put him down, nor is there any reason to go on about all that has happened through the years. The result of all of that is where I am right now.  He is my children's father, my granddaughter's grampie, so one way or another he will always be part my of life.  My children completely supported my decision, after all, they lived the life too. I can't change the past, I can only make my future better.I have my not so good days but its all a part of adjusting to my new life but overall I am much happier and more relaxed now.  I love my new little apartment. I love the feeling of coming home, putting my feet up and watching what I want on TV without somebody cursing at me or telling me how stupid I am because of the programs I like to watch.  I no longer have to walk on egg shells and that itself is a wonderful feeling.  My life is my own and for the first time in a very long time I feel like I am living again!  I hardly ever go in my bedroom now unless it is to sleep. I have no regrets about leaving, it is something that had to be done and maybe should have been done years ago... The day after I moved out my husband quit his job and moved back to our hometown to live at his brother's house. He not once asked me to go back or to try to work things out so for him it was over too.  He left me to deal with all of the debts and to get rid of the house so I have been very busy and very stressed trying to get this whole mess worked out. It's not easy to get your creditors to listen to you, they just want their money. Its very stressful and emotional so on those days I let myself get down but I just pick myself back up and move forward. One way or another it will all work out...There is nothing I would have loved better then to have that happily ever after but that dream died many years ago. I just couldn't keep living in a loveless marriage, a marriage where we were both miserable.  Life is too short to waste it being sad all the time. I have my moments where I feel like a failure for not being able to make my marriage work but I tried for many many years, I really did the best I knew how and it just was never enough... One day at a time.....