My Mounting Misery

The words to this song just keep circling in my head today and I can't seem to break free. "I'm dying inside and nobody knows it but me!" I've tried so hard to shove down all the devistation I feel since my daughter left but I just can't hide behind the smile anymore. My panic attacts have increased in both intensity & frequency.         I rarely see her. My son tells me almost daily that he misses her & wants to see her. He is only three & a half and I've run out of ways to try to make it easier on him. I'm not doing well physically or emotionally. I feel like everytime I talk to her another chunk of me is torn away. She has only been here a handful of times since she left. The longest was on Christmas Day & that was for maybe four hours. I don't want to push but this uncertainty is excruciating.         My family has a big gaping whole torn out and I keep trying to patch it up & make things allright again. On top of all the emotional crap, we have been dealing with financial hardships not unlike so many out there.I had a hard time with my fibro before this & all the stress had added to my pain level. My functionality has been at such a low level even before this. I struggled to get motivated on a good day & now I just don't seem to care.           I have alwyas struggled to keep up with the housework due to the fibro & depression. So much so that at times I have had people decide to turn me in to children services. Luckily, they didn't take any drastic measures and I was able to resolve the clutter issues. Last summer I was strugling and called them myself to get some help with organization. We now have someone in here to help me get motivated. She has been a great help but the added "rules" on top of dealing with the Steph situation, Morgan's Asthma, Sammantha's Autism & all the scheduling that intails on top of my fibro & my huband being gone almost 14 hrs. a day almost daily make it dificult for me to hanled it all by myself.            I feel like I'm drowing and failing. I almost dropped my son the other night after he fell asleep on my lap & I was trying to carry him to bed. My husband was allready in bed asleep-normal every night.  My depression is kind of in check most of the time but the tight reign that I have had on my emotions is slipping. I haven't really let anyone esle in to help deal with it all because they all have their own trials to get thru.           How do you get through the loss of a child who isn't dead? I feel like I keep mourning her and the loss of my complete family & and all my dreams over & over. How do you talk to friends & family about all these hardships without sounding like you are whining, complaining or trying to make it sound like your problems are the only ones who matter. I was in therepy for a while last year but my therapist quit on me when I had to reshedule a few meetings due to childrens illnesses & my fibro. I just don't have anyone to vent to who truly understands where I am & what I'm going thru. I've tried praying & just crying out to God but I can't seem to find the peace or even resolve I need.         My heart aches, my head hurts, I can't breathe and I think way to much. I'm falling apart & no one seems to even notice. I feel like I'm in a sound proof room and srcreaming at the top of my lungs & no one even hears. I need to be better for the family I still have here & I don't think I have the strength or energy to even try. I am so srry that my family has to suffer with me not being the best I can. Sometime I think if I was gone one way or another that they would all be better off. Obviously, Steph & my husband don't need me. I wonder if anyone does. Morgan nedds his nap & so do I. Thanks for not judging me-I can't take that on top of everything else.