My Mothers Death-June 217th,2003-June 17th,2008

Today it is 5 years that I lost my mother.And I do not know how to begin or even start.My mother was 84 years and died in a nursing home.She was on Medicaid because she lost the house and she had a stroke because my mother after my fathers death started to act coo-koo.I mean coo-koo and even my late brother Frank could not help or control her.My mother always did things her own way and never listened to advice.She was from the old school and I am surprized that the marriage lasted 53 years.And one of the main reasons why I have problems today is because when I was 8 in 1955,she emotionally abandonded me.My mother always felt that I could enter the world all by myself and if a girl is sweet she can get almost anything.She never spent any time with me at all and when she did it was too late.I was always a little kid to her and she could not understand why we fought.You help children when they have problems and she did not .All I will say is this we had very serious family problems in 1955 and she was just so overwhelmed she did not know what to do.In 1955,one day I came home and discovered that her and my father were gone.It was their anniversary and daddy surprized her.Her took her out.I was all alone in the house and all of the windows were opened.We had no air conditioner then and I did not know what to do.Being alone at 8 in a house was not at terrifying.I discovered then in 1955 it was the greatest gift that my old man gave me.My mother was terrifired of being alone.She always had to have someone with her.We had to go with her everywhere and this to me even this day is a no-no.Then Frank came home and I told him and frank told me that daddy told him about this last night.Frank had to work late and he came home with a pizza and salad and soda.I realized at 8 years old in 1955,that I had problems.It was so different then and in 1955,there were nothing at all.I mean nothing and this is something that these yuppies of today do not realize.You need services even today and if i had them back them and had access to them,well maybe things would be different.After my father died..she began to act coo-koo.My mother started to drink heavily and she was always drunk.She would be always drunk when I came home at night.And then she would get mean and when this happened,she would be nasty to Frank.Then my mother met on the bus a man named Fred.I will call him Fred and he went to Atlantic City 3 times a week and she began to do this too.To make things worse,she wasnt paying the bills,all she did was drink and booze.She did not want to get help until my other brother saw all of the bills.Stanley is an accountant and has his own firm in NYC.He has 7 people working for him.He has done well.He told my wonderful sister in law about it and he told my mother if payment wasnt made we would lose the house.She told him to go to the judge with her and she did.She gave everything to my other brother to do.All of the bills were paid by Stanley and his firm took care of everything.She also owed thousands of dollars and Stanley paid everything off.She died in the nursing home in NYC and we were not speaking to each other when she died.She got really mean to me and said hateful things.But let tell you this..I am going to die in seattle and I have made arrangements.Noone will come to my grave.Not even Brad.No will ever mourn me at all.Noone will ever cry.You see,noone has ever really wanted me and I have accepted this all of my life.Towards the end,I did realize she loved me in her own way..but now I am having the time of my life and I refuse to relocate back east or go back to NYC at all unless I had to.Today I will cry again and cry until this pain is released.But the biggest pain that I have in my heart is this.My biggest love never loved me.He never did and never will,He used me to his own advantage and that hurts.Rest in peace.Mother.