My mother in law once again
It has been a peaceful day this Saturday morning. I thought that I would offer to take my mother in law shopping for a new coat. Now I have second thoughts about doing so. Mom comes down from taking a shower and is all over me and my husband. There was no soap, the kind she uses in the tub. That alone started a big argument. And that while I did not know she was taking a shower, I was doing the wash down in the basement. Her comment, why did I not ask before I started the wash. That led into all the things I do not do. I asked why was she picking on me specifically. She said I was the reason. My husband quickly chimed in with, Mom that happens to all of us. Fill the sugar, put toilet paper on the roll. We live here and these things are going to happen. She mentioned that I never talk to her at all. Of course I do, but this was an opportunity to get realllllllllllllllly honest with her. I told her the reason I am not as available is because of the way I have been treated in this house, the verbal abuse I had to go thru living here. I told her I am not the person I was because of her treatment. I did stay away, was congenial when I needed to be, but I did stay away. I told her because of my childhood I was not going to set myself up for any more pain than I was already dealing with. That is the truth. I am healthier because I know I do not deserve what she has dished out inthe last few years. She has as I saw her this morning a vindictive side to her. I am sorry she is hurting, her arm hurts, but I cannot take away her pain. Nor can I take away whatever pain she as a child had in her life. She must deal with that. Instead she spews all her anger onto my husband and I. We are here to help her, and so many times she has hindered that help by her very behavior. It is interesting that I just shared on My Space with a coworker that there was negative energy here in this house and that is why I feel I cannot draw or paint. Well my mother in law just confirmed what I have felt for the last 5 years living here. My mother in law is so out of touch with her pain, her emotional pain and instead uses my husband and I as her way to vent. I found today that is was so much easier to just tell my truth to her. It flowed out of me. I know my truth so I speak it as I feel it. This woman denied that she was ever abusive to me, and I asked my husband if what I said was true. He agreed. Nice that he is NOW on my side, because that was not the case a few years ago. She forgets just how demeaning she was with me and my husband and my son. Well, I do not forget. Maybe she is in such denial that she is the kind of woman I am telling her she is with her behavior. She is meanspirited. I have seen it way too many times . I told her of the times she would be abusive and she stands there saying I never said any of those things. So she denies she is abusive. She has to live with that. I know the truth, my husband knows the truth. Now when things like this happen I don't even hesitate to say what I feel. She has given me much practice to assert myself. I thank her for the gift even if she does not know she gave me a gift of assertivness. All of this tells me just how much I have grown. I am sitting here at this computer, not crying, not feeling demeaned, not feeling as tho I have done anything to her, other than taking care of that wounded little girl inside of me and telling her where I am coming from. She does not handle the truth, but that is not my problem. In all the times I confronted her behavior, I have never demeaned, put her down, just basically told her I will not accept this kind of behavior. I don't deserve it, I am kind, nice, caring. I do believe that about me. So I thinking someone who is all those things, should not accept anything but respect. Someone can be angry at me, that is okay. WE all get angry, but it is the way we handle it. 20 years in and out of therapy, books on dysfunctional families has taught me so much and beginning to love myself with all my faults frailities and shortcomings I think is the basis for why I am what I am today. I would not change a thing. Now when I go back upstairs wonder if Mom will be dressed for shopping. I told her I will not go shopping with her if she is in this mood. If she got over it by the time I come home later, yep I will take her, but not if I am going to be the target of her anger. I just will not do it.What she has taught me is not to grow old being meanspirited, nasty and in denial. I thank God for where I am today.
Replies
Spectacular! You are able to protect yourself, be truthful and assertive, and you had the back-up of your DH! Jeanette, someday I am going to be able to do that very same thing when someone takes their pain out on me. You have given me a lot of hope by writing this entry! You have come a very long way down a hard road. You show me that it can be done. Thank you!
Why thank you for what you wrote. My hope is that you too get to that point. I see those qualities in you by what you post to others. Maybe you might not see how strong you are but I do. It is a sense I have about you that you care for others, that you are loving. I look at your family and really have that sense that you are a good mother as well. I was not always like this. I was pretty much a doormat and would take whatever came my way and afterwards would cry by myself. I was not strong back then. I thought I deserved abuse. I did not deserve it as a child and I damn well do not deserve it as an adult. Now I protect Little Jeanette by standing up for what I believe is true. Had I been with my mother in law a nasty, ugly person, well maybe I would deserve some crap back, but I know in my heart I am not that person. Now I get mad instead of sad. Mom did not go shopping. She is sitting upstairs right now and doing nothing. Probably having a pity party, but I am so glad I was not invited to the party. MTN, we can stay the victim or change that victim mentality to warrior survivor. I have chosen to be a warrior. Maybe it was not even a choice. It was me getting sick and tired of being sick and tired of my soul getting wounded over and over and over again. Little Jeanette finally has a voice. That being the voice of her adult mother ME.
Good for you jeanette! To finally stand up to your mother-in-law and tell her in a assertive firm way show\'s me and everyone involved what a loving ,strong woman you are.Shows how far along you have come in your healing,you i know have worked very Hard on your issues and yourself.You could have been mean and abusive and blaming right back to her,but you didnt.Thats show tremendous strength and love for yourself,and for others.It is too bad and very sad that she cant see what a gift you are and could be to her.She is stuck and bound by the past.You are not.I am so glad your husband stood besides you as well.It hurts to hear that for many years you had to fight this battle alone and un-supported!Huge Hugs and admiration and love for you my friend and mentor!!! x0
This is a very inspiring journal entry, Jeanette. You are really taking good care of yourself by setting those hard boundaries with your mother-in-law. I know how hard it is to do and you did it! You are growing daily and are healing from the childhood trauma that you experienced. You can recognize when your mother-in-law is projecting onto you and you stop her in her tracks. Bottom line: you will NOT tolerate being subjected to abuse by her anymore. You sound so good here and am so proud of you! love and hugs Xxxx p.s. Did you end up going shopping with her? XXXxx
Oh I see the other comment that you didn\'t go shopping with her. All I can say to that is, good for you for following through with the boundary with her. You are taking good care of yourself. YAY! Xxx
Jeanette I am glad you are feeling strong today, and vindicated by sticking up for yourself. See ya soon. Deb
Thank you for your comments and support. After I came home from this place that was selling stuff for Christmas, my husband brought mom a candle and I brought here some clip earrings. Both of us said that no matter what we will show her love. When I came home and went out again, before I left the house, I told Mom holding her hand that she is loved. I saw a tear in her eye, wiped it away and told her it is okay. She actually said, \"I hate when I get this way\" The pain I feel in my arm is so painful.\" I so wish she could express that she is in pain and that we are here to comfort her. She said she hates having to depend on us. This is a lady who was VERY independent and does not know how to ask for help. She is from the old school where you just suck it up and hold all your feelings inside. In spite of all that she does, I am amazed that I can still feel love for her. I still will be wary with Mom because I will protect myself from abuse. Guess going thru this in the 5 years I have lived here, I am not as trusting that this will not happen again, but I still can be loving and be supportive of her.