My Mom Part 1 And We Practiced For My Ultrasound

She said welcome, I said hi how are you and sat down.  I told her the bag was my Mom’s things but first I want to do a practicing.  I have my ultrasound soon and I want to go through the motions in case something happens like last time.  She nodded like she understood and asked me when it is.  Next Monday.  I don’t know if it will go like this again but if it’s like last time I won’t have my extra clothes with me and I’ll have to get them.  I know – I won’t even think about them.  But I showed her my jacket that I could put around my waist.  She asked me if I wanted to go now.  I told her I could wait a bit. 
So I showed her the postcard that was in my mailbox after I came from her last week talking about my son and how he didn’t call me back.  I read it to her and then she took it to look at.  She looked at the front first (Gravity House) and then read it on the back.  She commented how he said love you lots and how he wrote it to only me and with a stamp on it.  How he did think of me.  Yes and I told her about the earthquake yesterday and I was worried because I couldn’t get him.  I even called the state park to see how it was.  When he finally called me back he said he was in a Jacuzzi when it happened and his phone was in the car.  He didn’t feel it.  I told him to watch for aftershocks.  I then told her we better go.  She asked me if she should get my bag or do I have everything with me.  I have it with me as I grabbed my purse and my hoodie jacket. 
We walked out.  Going down the steps I asked her how her Easter was.  She said good.  She went over to a friend’s house who had lots of family there.  We went down the one set of stairs, on the first floor and then the second set of stairs.  She was ahead of me.  We got to the hallway and she looked down and smiled.  I could tell.  “They’re there,” I asked almost saying it as a statement.  She nodded and backed off to where I was standing right before the hallway.  I was moving around looking like I was really needing to go.  She looked at me like she knew how bad it was and commented that this was like real life.  I nodded.  I was holding my jacket and didn’t even have a chance to put it on. 
A guy came out from the hallway and passed us buy.  He said hi and she said hi back friendly – I may have smiled at him.  Maybe she knew him.  Maybe he was one of the chiropractors.  I forgot to ask.  Knowing how badly I had to go I can’t remember if she told me to go down the hall to the bathroom or not.  I think she did.  I just stood there trying not to pee.  She went all the way down the hallway.  I didn’t.  She told me to come when she got down there – maybe thinking I was behind her.  I told her I couldn’t.  She came back up to me and I was already going.  I think I stepped back a second, a step – not sure.  I’m sure she knew what was happening.  In fact I was afraid it would get on my jacket so I held my jacket away from my body a little.  I don’t think she noticed that.  I did see her look and when I looked down it was all down my legs in front.  She usually doesn’t look but this time she did.  I guess she wanted to know where I was with this.  But she didn’t comment.
So she told me to go on down to the bathroom and change.  I was a little hesitant.  There were people there in the office.  She told me to put my jacket around my waist.  I asked her if I could just hold it in front of me.  Yes.  I went down the hall into the bathroom and changed.  First I looked back and asked her if it got on the floor.  She told me no.  But on the way back I glanced again and didn’t see anything. 
After I was done I met her by the stairs where she was waiting for me.  She smiled.  I smiled back.  Going upstairs I told her it was like real life.  Yes.  I asked her more about Easter if she goes to church.  She said no.  She used to when the kids were little.  I remembered the same church the laughter yoga was at.  Right.  We were walking back in the waiting room of her office by now.  We walked back into her office and sat down. 
She asked me how that was.  Good.  It wasn’t exactly how it was last time but we don’t know – we don’t know what’s going to happen.  We both said how things are different each time and she alluded that that’s how life it.  I agreed.  I stood up and showed her with my jacket how I couldn’t have put it around my waist.  It was all in front and would have showed.  I told her I did freeze a little.  She asked me if seeing people there with the door open caused me to panic more.  Yes.  And later, out of the blue, I remembered I put my bag into my purse like she suggested last time.  I had to jog her memory a bit and I said that was a good thing I remembered. 
She wanted to talk more about the ultrasound.  She asked me if I think I’m at the same place or a little better than last year when I did it.  Place meaning how much my bladder can hold – capacity.  I said a little better.  I told her how I even went when I got there downstairs.  Bladder capacities are different for different people.  She nodded.  Last time when she called me in she could tell I was about to go and told me to go.  That’s when the door was locked.  She asked what they did about the test.  They did it anyway but it’s not as good as with a full bladder.  She doesn’t think I’ll be able to do this.  I think she thinks I’m setting myself up for it to happen again.  I told her I asked and they want me to try. 
Then I started talking about my kids and how they are not being nice to me.  First I told her about what they said about if a cop gives you a citation you can arrested for peeing in public and then you are on the sex offender list.  She said that’s what her son (in G in Central America) says.  So far he hasn’t been arrested.  She said she didn’t connect it to me and what I do until now.  I asked if he says that about here or there.  Here.  I asked my kids what if it’s an emergency.  They said they still can. 
She knows I have to do that a lot.  She said if I got arrested I could have my doctor write me letter to get me out of it.  She said it’s probably more for guys that are a nuisance in a neighborhood, or homeless and such.  I said maybe for people drunk.  She added on college students.  But she chuckled when I first told her about my concerns for myself.  She did say that that would not be a good reason to be on that sort of list.  She also added that people who have knee replacements have metal inside.  They set off the metal detectors at airports and carry a note with them.  Same as maybe I can do.
I told them how my daughter and her boyfriend were not very nice to me and kind of attacking about signing him up for baseball.  I just got real quiet.  Later they apologized.  She said he should be signed up now at his age and understood how he’d be behind if not.  I said how my son here isn’t very nice and makes fun of me sometimes. 
I also told her about my grandson coming back from his Dad’s with playing with Star Wars guns and bang, band you’re dead a lot.  I never let my kids have guns or do that.  She said sometimes kids get their aggressions out like that.  It’s play therapy.  I told her I told him we don’t do that with people in real life.  He knows how I feel about guns.  She said to continue to let him play like that but say what I did. 
I told her about our trip to the big lake on Friday.  That 2 times I had to go to the bathroom somewhere.   I think I can figure out what it is about my husband.  He panics.  I try not to.  I am on the inside because of the situation I’m in but I try not to.  But he does and that makes it worse.  I told her how she doesn't panic with me.  And a sort of it’s my fault type of thing.  She said guys in IT are like that.  They want to fix everything and especially she knows when he’s on call.  I said also because he knows from experience I can’t wait very long.  She said I might want to talk to him and tell him. 
On Friday it was almost to a city (she knows where it is) with a store we always go into to look around.  I told him I couldn’t get out and go in and up those stairs.  I knew what would happen as soon as I got out of the car.  So I told him to go right instead of left and just go somewhere.  I started going but really not bad at all and then as soon as I got out of the car.  She said it’s good that I know my body.  Yes. 
The other time was around the dam to an area to take some pictures because we didn’t get to go down to the lake.  It was on a road with cars.  I needed to go and he even said he’d watch for me.  I started to pull down my pants and go and a truck pulled in.  She laughed a little.  Luckily I was able to stop myself.  Any worse I wouldn’t have been able to.  Then I had to wait until they left.  So it makes me think about the arresting thing. 
Then I called attention to the shirt I was wearing.  She read it.  “Just Do It”.  I said from Nike.  I wore it on purpose because I really want to.  I want to do what I can to make this problem go away.  She knows I do.  I was telling my husband about it and starting to make excuses and he told me to talk to her about it.  So that’s what we did.  She nodded like it’s a good idea to talk about it.  I told her what a pain it is.  I didn’t do it Friday or Saturday but I tried yesterday a little.  You have to pay so much attention to it.  She nodded.  I don't want to have to look at the time and say I can't leave for half an hour and then have to come back because I'll have to go.  And if I'm with someone for 20 minutes and it's during that time I'll need to go when ordinarily I wouldn't necessarily need to.  It's a pain.  It calls attention to it.
I told her it’s like it would be for her.  Every hour it would be OK because she could go between clients.  But what would she do for every hour and fifteen minutes.  She didn’t answer – didn’t have to – she knew what I was talking about.  It calls too much attention to it and I want to forget about it.  And then what if I can’t make it the whole hour.  Then I’ll feel badly.  And then I have to start the clock over for an hour from that time. 
She asked me if the doctor thought I could do this longer.  Yes and she said up to 3-4 hours.  She looked like can I do this?  I said if I don’t drink anything.  She smiled.  She asked me if the doctor can tell how much my bladder can hold - my capacity.  I nodded no.  She commented that she didn't test for that.  No.  My therapist told me to eliminate the spasms so I can hold more and expand my bladder capacity out.  Yes.  I told her I can go more than the 25 to 50 cc.  Especially when I’m really trying.  I've measured.  She said I get the bladder spasms and pressure too early.  Yes and I told her it’s all called bladder training. 
I said how I’m a little bit of a perfectionist.  She laughed and said she knows this.  That’s why she’s telling me these things.  Sort of like I want to be able to do it right or not at all.  I know I should “Just Do It”.  She said she’ll get a shirt that says “No Fussing” and we’ll meet half way in the middle.  We both chuckled. 
She said I don’t have too many options.  No.  With what I’m doing and this – kind of go together.  She said for me to see how long I can wait.  To time it and do this when I’m at home.  She told me that the doctor was just starting at an hour.  Maybe it should start at 45 minutes for me.  Or even a half an hour.  I gave her a look.  But I did say that I can’t worry about the time so much.  That I have to just do it like my shirt says.  Yes! 
I thought about what else I wanted to talk about.  Monday’s there’s so much I told her.  I told her about the classes starting Wednesday.  I told her I tried to get my guy friend to go, too.  Like a cushioning because he sort of knows about my problem.  And if I have to leave he can tell me what I’ve missed.  But he can’t because he has a funeral to go to.  So I have to solo it.  For some reason she thought that was a good thing.  She did say later about it’s a good thing it’s a beginner class that I don’t have to worry so much about missing out on instruction when I go during.  Yeah.
She said I’m facing several issues going.  I said I’m either going to be bored like I know everything or I’ll learn a lot.  She said like maybe I could teach the class.  I told her it starts at 9:30 until 11:30 and when I was there they took a break at 10:45.  She asked me how long I thought I could go.  I didn’t know.  She commented I didn’t know – like she was waiting for an answer and I didn’t have one.  I told her it depends and also how much I’m drinking.  She told me to make sure I go when I get there and we decided that if I haven’t gone by 10:30 to go anyway.  She said I don’t want to go at their break because there will be a line.  I told her there is a door I’ll have to open and close and they’ll all know.  It’s not like I can just slip out.  She said to notice how much people look or ask me where I’m going.  Maybe someone else will do the same or use their cell phone.  I told her, half laughing, I’ll pay attention and let her know. 
Ok … now on to my Mom’s stuff.  I looked at the clock and knew we couldn’t do it all.  I took things out and started showing her.  She eventually brought her chair over to look – I think when I brought the little stuff out.  First I showed her the dress she made me with my name on it.  When we were little velvet jumpers and white shirts were popular and she made me that, too (didn’t bring it) and doll clothes that I didn’t bring.  Then the shirt I just bought her for the holidays that she died in.  She thought that was special and at least I know she was warm and cozy in something she likes when it happened.  Then her scarves – she never wanted her neck to get chilled and the babushka (she seemed to know the term) for cold weather. 
Then I showed her the rest of the stuff:  the jewelry, rings, pins, key chains (one from my aunt, one I made her and one from when I was going up),watch (large numbers – she had macular-degeneration), bright red lipstick, a couple plastic barrettes,  necklaces with the long chains.  Again how she didn’t want her circulation cut off and she also wore her clothes loose.  She said maybe something from a former life.  I said she had to many fears and they stemmed from her father.  He’d move away from places.  She thought the dress was really special and asked if I ever dressed my daughter in it.  No.  She wanted to feel the material and we talked about how wrinkled it was and she said there was no permanent press back then.  No.  I didn’t know where the blue staining came from.
We talked about her birthday in two days, 4 days after that is mine (that’s right she said) and 4 days after that was my parents anniversary.  So there was more and pictures and other papers.  I told her I had a lot of my Mom’s things.  I needed to go to the bathroom and told her after looking at the “things”.  She just said OK.  But I kept watching the time trying to figure out how much I had left for my Mom’s stuff.  “Can I just go to the bathroom real quick?” I asked her.  “Sure,” she told me.  I went and came back and we continued.  I didn’t want to wait this time but didn’t say anything about it.
We talked about the picture with the sisters and how I didn’t have that.  And the letters they wrote that I see a lot of similarities.  A lot talking about illness and such.  I try not to talk about that. I try to talk about good things.   But that’s how they communicated with each other back then.  No emails and long distant phone calls were expensive.  They would start off the letters that they’re sorry they haven’t written in a long time.  And conflicts with staying where and not wanting to “entertain them”.  Lots of what my Mom or others would do. 
I asked if families were like that with the conflicts.  She’s one of 5 – was hers?  She said some families are and some aren’t.  I told her I bet hers wasn’t.  She said her mom had a lot of competition and saying bad things, talking behind backs and such with her sister and she’s tried not to be like that.  Some of her brothers/sisters are like that and some aren’t.  We also talked about how mostly with my Mom it was the youngest 4.  Although a long time ago, when she was little it wasn’t.  They were all together.  She said the oldest usually take care of the little ones.  Yes, it was like that for her – running around barefoot.  Wonder if since my therapist is the oldest that she had to do that?  I didn’t ask.
We ran out of time and she said to bring things back next time.  And we can do my Mom and her family and my Dad and his family.  She also said that she will be calling into insurance today to renew me.  It’s usually a phone call with my treatment plan and she leaves a message.  I asked her what happened with not wanting to pay for 2 sessions in a week.  She said they dropped that probably because that’s what my husband’s company says.  She said not to worry about this – I have enough things to worry about.  I said yeah like last time and they didn’t call back and it was the weekend.  She seemed to remember.  She wished me good luck with the computer classes and I thanked her. 
I didn’t have my massage therapist today – she has a cold/fever.  We also talked earlier about Thursday’s appointment because she wasn’t clear on that time either.  I told her about the classes and the play and I could take another class.  We decided on 12 noon unless I call to change it.  She has someone later but I think 4 and 5 (I know 5) are free and she said usually they fill up.  It’s nice she can be flexible with me when she can.  And I’m hoping she’s right not to worry about the insurance company. 
I’m not feeling badly about the accident I had.  I think because we acted like “no big deal – it happens”.  Even though it was more like real life it was OK it happened and we didn’t go on and on about it.  A little talking about it is OK.  We need to do that.  But no shame – just on with other things.  And she never makes me feel like a bad person so I’m less likely to.  Very nice.  Wish everyone can be like that and of course, me too!