my miscairrage

My head is spinningHeart poundingI can’t hear myself thinkI see your mouth movingBut I don’t hear a thingSharp pains shoot through meI cringe from the painI run to the bathroomI look downBlood is all that I seeI can’t be bleedingI’m pregnantWhat’s happening?The blood finally stopsI pull up my pantsBut I don’t come outI sit in a ball on the floorI rock back and forthTears stream down my faceI scream but I don’t hear itYour mom walks inI can’t hear herI don’t hear a thingI don’t even see herShe grabs meI jumpI’m backI hear and see and cryShe asks me what’s wrongI look at the toiletThe blood is still thereShe flushes it and holds meShe tells me its okayI lean on her and cryIt seems like daysJust sitting and cryingThen I fell asleepI wake up hours laterScared and confusedI remember what happenedBut before I can cryYour mom distracts meShe asks me stupid questionsAnd gives me a snackI don’t smileBut I don’t cry eitherI just eat and listenYour sister walks inI don’t want her to knowI fake a smileShe doesn’t realize it’s fakeSuch an innocent childSo young and luckyIf only I could go backBack before he raped meBefore I got pregnant Before…I fight back the tears We play a computer game Your mom leaves for workYou invite friends overI want to leaveI don’t feel like friendsBut your mom told me to stayShe doesn’t want me to be aloneYour brother comes homeWe all go downstairsYou all play spin the bottleAnd truth or dareYour brother picks dareHis friend gets to dare himHe tells him to pull down his pants & boxersAnd dance around the roomI close my eyesI hate this gameYour friend likes itShe likes your brotherShe tells himHe puts his pants back on They start kissingThey go in his room to kissShe comes out cryingHe hurt her sexuallyBut she won’t say howHe leaves the houseI tell her to tellYou tell her not toShe says she won’tDo you know what you’re doing?I go upstairsYour mom comes homeShe makes sure I'm okayI’m not but I lie to herShe lets me go homeI go to my roomI lock the doorI grab a pinI cut my armEach cut feels better than the lastEach time I go deeperI grab my pocket knifeI try itIt works betterI finally calm downI fall asleepThe next day I stay in bedI tell mom I’m sickI don’t eatEvery so often I get upI go to the bathroomStick my finger down my throatI throw up until I can’t anymoreI pretend it is all a dreamI was never pregnantI was never rapedI have a perfect lifeI’m normalI block it from my headAt least for a while I can be happy again