my mind is not my own?????
I called my soon to be ex-husband a few days ago. It was so emotional and I have been so angry with him. I told him the truth about what is going on with me and that our insurance was going to be ending at the end of the month. We got to talking like we haven't been able to do for a longntime and it was healing but sad. I left the marriage without telling him, I just rented a truck and people and moved out. It's a long story and I'm not really sure what happened anyways. My point is that I have been believing things happened that haven't, I forget very important things and events or appointments, I am so overly sensitive, or just not sensitive at all to situations at times. I feel like I have been abducted by aliens and they didn't put me back together right when they were done! People look at me funny, I look at them funny.......
Anyways, I guess this is a rant-ramble. I was able to see for myself when I was talking to him that there is certainly another side to the story and we have both been through alot. When we were talking he was telling about a camping trip where a guy had been injured/killed when he was drug behind a car. In my memory, I was there, I even remembered the sound of the car. I started talking about it like I was there. Then he (Kevin) reminded me that I wasn't there that weekend. Then, I sort of lost it, I started arguing and telling the story. He just sat there and waited for me to finish. Then I realized I wasn't there. .... I started crying and so did he. It was a moment that we both realized that I have been mush more affected than we admitted. This sort of thing is what we fought about alot. He realized that I wasn't making things up ---or I guess at least not intentionally, and I realized how much my mind plays tricks on me. It was sad but good at the same time. We both had a chance to heal a little, but then be sad that m.s. has really taken a toll.
Anyways, I guess this is a rant-ramble. I was able to see for myself when I was talking to him that there is certainly another side to the story and we have both been through alot. When we were talking he was telling about a camping trip where a guy had been injured/killed when he was drug behind a car. In my memory, I was there, I even remembered the sound of the car. I started talking about it like I was there. Then he (Kevin) reminded me that I wasn't there that weekend. Then, I sort of lost it, I started arguing and telling the story. He just sat there and waited for me to finish. Then I realized I wasn't there. .... I started crying and so did he. It was a moment that we both realized that I have been mush more affected than we admitted. This sort of thing is what we fought about alot. He realized that I wasn't making things up ---or I guess at least not intentionally, and I realized how much my mind plays tricks on me. It was sad but good at the same time. We both had a chance to heal a little, but then be sad that m.s. has really taken a toll.
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OK~Im gunna tell you my story, in Hopes that you will gain perspective & see our common experience.
My husband of 19 years & I divorced. Heres how we got \'there\'.
6 yrs of DAILY interaction with 5 elder members of My side of the family. One of those elders having a problem of every sort under the sun, with every other elder. (The attitude of my siblings \"Well, Sandy doesnt work, she\'s a stay at home home, cant she do it??\" Yeah-mom of two middle schoolers, my own house to keep and run---and loving wife!)
The things I had to talk about with my husband was---elder health issues, who had what going on, their meds, their dr. appt, who house I was going to clean on what day, the Yards that needed mowing, Who asked if I could take them out shopping, take them to Dr appt.s, look over their bank statement, find out how to write a will, learn about their Social Security -AARP. So and So is getting worse-OK there\'s gunna be a death in the family, Hospice Care, plan a funeral, have a funeral, close an estate......4 death\'s in 3 years....could hardly get thru closing the estate of one, before somebody else needed help with the business of dying. I talked and acted like I was 65 myself.....I knew more about being Their Age, than relating to those who were my age. I certainly stopped aging my age! On top of that of course my home went to pot, I only had my exhausted self to offer my husband--and NOT ONCE DID I TAKE THE TIME TO GRIEVE the loss of each family member. I was too busy having to do their business, and I couldnt Do It thru my tears. Consequently in the first death, the other elders saw me \'being strong & managing & understanding the system, knowing how to manage the business of death...and then one by one each asked me to help them when it was their time to go......and there was No Way In Hell I could look at any one of them and Say--I cant help you with this!
Believe me, I tried in many many way\'s to get my sibs to REALLY help---to no avail.
When my Dad (My very great DAD) passed---I broke. Into what felt like a million tiny pieces. We separated and divorced within three months of Dad\'s passing.
I discovered I had a terrible amount of grief in me-that had to come out. and I felt terrible to recognize I felt a relief lifted off my shoulders--the season of elder care, funerals and death was over. My attitude was one of \'now it\'s my turn-to be who I want and Do what I want\'.....to act my age-and not a minute OLDER.I didnt spend much time in the blame game of others--went straight to--Well, how did I turn up here? I did alot of things right, for alot of other pp.
I can live with myself, with no guilty for the care I gave to my family. I coulda, shoulda woulda stood up for myself and my family where my siblings were concerned. If the asking for the help didnt \"bring it\"---I shoulda demanded.
I coulda Stressed it. I woulda what?--I dont know-what I know now is---I wont allow anybody else to make a statement about my life, like was said and implied \'then\'-----she\'s justa stay at home mom. And I learned that \'that vision I had in my head\' of the woman I wanted to be like, look like--WAS ALL ON ME -- as it turned out it didnt have a damn thing to do with my husband making feel or look or act like her--She was in me, I was the one who had to bring her out. What i learned was--I coulda done that right where I was at, but I thought it was gonna take me being away from \"him\" to get to \'her\'....I guess maybe it did take that---but it didnt have too.
I got a really good perspective of the how & what my then ex husband had experienced ........I had laid a huge, unreasonable amount of expectation on HIM to keep and hold our family together....
Here\'s the long and the short of it---there we were---divorced. But having to do the whole--you get the kids on the week end---I get them on these dates---you take them to this that or the other thing............
weeks apart --healing and introspection began--months apart--finding the restored soul--more months apart---im just no so damn angry or hurt....more months apart, Im pretty damn Good with myself, asked forgiveness -gave forgiveness......those drop off and pick up conversations started off Bitter, then turned into more calm & Im cool, Im good......and that turned into longer and longer drop off and looking forward to pick up, conversations.
We got back together 9 months later, then remarried. Our lil joke is one of--\"we were apart 9 months--long enough to \'grow\' a new person.\"
I read your journal and I am moved--i know where you are at---it may not feel this way to you, but I say ~~~RIGHT ON SISTER!!! GOOD FOR YOU!!~~~YOU GO GIRL!!!~~~~...........because of this--your self honesty.
your not looking for who to blame...you are owning your part----and Samona that\'s huge honey! you are able (maybe right now today) to see from his perspective.........Do you understand--it\'s a cross roads to healing?
i only have one caution--and it will sound like tough love-well cuz it is--but honest to god I think you can take it!! it\'s your last sentence.......ok ready!??
That\'s bullshit, girl!! MS will take it\'s toll on anything and everything---cant blame the ms----It\'s the way we handle the ms--and you already gave it up--that you didnt tell him--so that\'s like sendin him into a gun fight with a sword! May be if he knew what he was dealing with-or consequently what you were dealing with....Im just saying or asking??? or you sure that\'s what you meant? just like i cant really say--it\'s because MY ppl were dyin\'---it\'s the way I MANAGED MYSELF WHEN MY PPL WERE DYIN\'-----I had to come back and say--I didnt manage that to the outcome that i wanted.
Granted Sweetie, I do Not know all of your story, but I\'ll say this----a soon to be ex husband that can still cry with you and feel sad with you--is still emotionally available to you....I hope that you and Kevin can continue to talk, not only in a civil manner with each other, but in a connected manner that is familiar to your \"long time ago\' conversations.
Thinkin about you Samona and holding you close to my heart,
Sandy