my man :(
I don't exactly know what's going on here. Last night I was so pissed off that I just started taking shots and chain smoking and talking to my best friend about all this. I said things to my BF out of anger that I really never should have said, because I didn't mean them at all, I was just so angry at the way he was blocking me out and I just wanted some kind of reaction from him. I said I hated him and he ruined my life, and I never even wanted kids before he started begging me for a family. I blamed him for my miscarriage and said I wanted to leave him and jet off for Arizona and restart the life I had before Sophia, finishing college and partying.
I guess we avoided each other today, I went a few towns over to see my family and he was drinking whiskey at the bar with his brother.
**(just a side note, my almost 2 year old nephew hugged me for the first time ever, I almost started crying when he did that, he just walked up and hugged me from behind with his face on my butt. I was laughing so hard, it's almost like he could sense I was so upset about everything, he kept loving on me and hugging me. cutie.)**
But he came home and we started fighting again when I said I was sleeping on the couch, yadda yadda, he came down and just bear hugged me and laid down on top of me and said "I'm sorry, I'm crazy." He just kept kissing me and holding me and saying "I'm not letting you go until we end this fight. I'm tired of saying I love you when you know I do and I'm tired of fighting with you and you fighting with me." He was pretty upset because he thought I was going to leave him and he thought I didn't love him anymore.
He doesn't realize that he's all that I have left. He is the only one in the world who loves me unconditionally, besides my mom, he has seen all my ugly sides and still he comes home and holds me at night. What can I say to him now besides "I love you. If I really wanted to leave I would be gone, not sitting here beggin you to have a family with me", which I did say. I think I'm going to take a break from TTC.
I still want a baby, but I feel as though I'm focusing all my grief and love there, when there is so much more in my life I need to work on. And I know I love this man, we have stuck it out through times almost as hard as these, we can't stop now. I just... can't imagine not feeling a baby kicking around inside me. I want that so bad, but I think these losses have almost affected him worse than me, at least I have support through this, he doesn't. After my miscarriage he said, "I'm done trying, God really does hate me."
HOW FUCKING SAD IS THAT?? He's hurting really deeply and I didn't see that until now because I was being so self centered. I need to take care of my man and help him recover, and then he will be ready to try again, someday.
If we had just had Sophia, if we had just gone to the ER sooner, if we had seen she was hurting none of this would be happening, we would have our 1 year old baby girl here and being normal parents... ugh!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
I guess we avoided each other today, I went a few towns over to see my family and he was drinking whiskey at the bar with his brother.
**(just a side note, my almost 2 year old nephew hugged me for the first time ever, I almost started crying when he did that, he just walked up and hugged me from behind with his face on my butt. I was laughing so hard, it's almost like he could sense I was so upset about everything, he kept loving on me and hugging me. cutie.)**
But he came home and we started fighting again when I said I was sleeping on the couch, yadda yadda, he came down and just bear hugged me and laid down on top of me and said "I'm sorry, I'm crazy." He just kept kissing me and holding me and saying "I'm not letting you go until we end this fight. I'm tired of saying I love you when you know I do and I'm tired of fighting with you and you fighting with me." He was pretty upset because he thought I was going to leave him and he thought I didn't love him anymore.
He doesn't realize that he's all that I have left. He is the only one in the world who loves me unconditionally, besides my mom, he has seen all my ugly sides and still he comes home and holds me at night. What can I say to him now besides "I love you. If I really wanted to leave I would be gone, not sitting here beggin you to have a family with me", which I did say. I think I'm going to take a break from TTC.
I still want a baby, but I feel as though I'm focusing all my grief and love there, when there is so much more in my life I need to work on. And I know I love this man, we have stuck it out through times almost as hard as these, we can't stop now. I just... can't imagine not feeling a baby kicking around inside me. I want that so bad, but I think these losses have almost affected him worse than me, at least I have support through this, he doesn't. After my miscarriage he said, "I'm done trying, God really does hate me."
HOW FUCKING SAD IS THAT?? He's hurting really deeply and I didn't see that until now because I was being so self centered. I need to take care of my man and help him recover, and then he will be ready to try again, someday.
If we had just had Sophia, if we had just gone to the ER sooner, if we had seen she was hurting none of this would be happening, we would have our 1 year old baby girl here and being normal parents... ugh!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
Replies
Oh Hon! It seems that the more we hurt the more we try and take it out on the ones that love us, maybe becasue we think they wont leave or maybe because we want them to leave us so we can justify what horrible unloved people we are!
You and Your man are going through so much - try not to take it too much to heart. It almost seems like the guys are strong for us until we start to cope an then they loose it cause they finally have a chace to grieve.
I almost feel they take more strain in the subsequent pregnancies - we only worry about the baby - they have to worry about both of us and themselves and look after us and try and let us relax and work and take over the house - all in the hopes that they will be contributing towards a health happy baby!
He obviously loves you and you obviously love him - this experience ages us and our relationships - it brings all the major and minor issues to a head and all we can do is try be strong enough for each other! Give him a chance to grieve a bit and rebuild his confidence - imagine how helpless he feels ..the man cannot protect his baby or you, and cannot protect you from the pain - what a \"useless\" man he must feel.
Take some time and \"Date\" again for a while - bring back the fun and laughter to your relationship before you try and bring another baby into your live - you will both know when you are ready!
HUGS hon and HUGS to that awesome man that loves you!
Men don\'t understand that after all is said and done... our love for them is all we have to hold on to. My relationship is over and I still love him. But, I want a baby, there is no way that will happen with a man who blames you for the death of your baby and who has not seen you in 14 months.
All I can say is give him a little time. Your loss is so recent. When the time is right you will make a beautifully healthy screaming baby.
Hugs!!!
Nneka