My lonely bedroom
I was reading the posts , as I usually do several times a day if I get the chance. People talking about changing their bed size and how the room seems bigger and such. Reminds me of my and my husbands' bedroom. I haven't slept in there sense he died. The memories of him laying there after he had died and before the funeral home came for his body. The hospice nurse was washing his body and getting him ready for the funeral home to come. My boys, along with my d.i.l. were in there crying and saying their goodbyes. And then they finally come for him and seeing him covered in their blankets and placing him on the stretcher. I don't know why but later on my youngest son and I stripped the bed, pillows and all and took out to the trash. I just couldn't keep them for some reason. So damn sad and all the horrible pain he had been in. It was like I wanted to wash it all away. Of course, there is still the bed and mattress, both nearly new, we went together and picked out the furniture for our room. It is lovely furniture. A hugh king size bed with ornate cast iron scroll over the wooden headboard. I think I need to make it my room someday, whenever I feel like I can sleep in there alone. I still have such vivid memories of my husbands' last few weeks of life. I wish I could move on but so far I can't change a thing in there. I have a very comfortable twin size bed, in a different bedroom. My clothes are still all over the place, mostly hanging in my laundry room. I must be a little crazy still, there is absolutely no excuse for my letting these memories stop me but so far I just haven't had that feeling that the time is right yet. Maybe someday. I think of moving out all the furniture and putting down a nice wooden floor, painting the bedroom and remodeling our bathroom. Plus seeing if i can find the same bed only in a queen or full size with a nice new soft mattress. Maybe someday, the memories will fade and I will truly know that this is what he would have wanted me to do. For right now, I will continue with things as they are and try to let time take care of everything. Perhaps even going to a therapist to help me sort things out, I don't know. It is hard for me to even leave the house to grocery shop and check my mail and go to the bank. I have to tell myself that I can't just NOT do anything !! Yeah, I sound a little pathetic.
Replies
Ruthann, you do not sound pathetic to me. You are grieving. I truly believe you will know if and when it\'s time to do anything to your bedroom. The only thing I wanted was to remove the hospital bed and all the medical equipment from my home once my husband passed. Our forty years together were not just about his illness. As to the rest of his belongings, they are still here, but he isn\'t. Breaks my heart. I have no intention of parting with anything of his at this point. The house and yard are a mess due to neglect those last few years. But I am working on it. As for leaving the house, I understand. I had to force myself and still do to go anywhere. At first I went to the store in the middle of the night. Couldn\'t face seeing anyone. I still can find a million excuses to stay home, but having family helps. I even invited myself to my daughters the other day to swim in the lake cuz it was so hot out and needed to see my sweet grand daughter. I cry everyday, sometimes several times a day and I hate it. The lonliness is overwhelming. But we have no choice but to try to move forward. Hang in there hon, hugs and love to you, we walk this journey together. Michele
you sound like a grieving widow. I had to force my self to sleep in our bedroom. Larry died at home as well. I bought new bedding, and put a tv in our bedroom which we never had in the bedroom. It took me about a month to reclaim the room. At first all i could see was Larry now it is my room. I think we do have to push ourselves out into the world. It is so much easier to stay home and lick our wounds. It takes a lot of self talk to get your self going, so keep talking! Hugs Patti.