My Love
Hi Babe,
I've not been out of the recliner all day other than to get King taken care of. When I got his lunch I grabbed the other half of my Subway foot long from last night. I stopped on the way home from Dr. Marty's & picked one up. I could go to the drive through there & I'd been crying so did not want to go in. I was trying to wait until June to see him because then I will be on Medicare & APA will be my supplemental so I won't have to pay anything. He cut me some slack. He'd stayed after to work me in and then I stayed 20 minutes past my scheduled appointment. It's good to have a psychologist that knew us both and saw firsthand the kind of love we had for one another. He could tell that my pain was worse than on my last visit He suggested that I see Dr. S and talk about anti-depressants. He's not sure they will help but figures it's worth a try. He wants me to call him after Dr. S & I decide what to do. I guess today is one of those "allow" days. I am allowing myself to NOT take are of business. I've already taken a Xanax. It's not helping this stomach ache! I'm glad that cigarettes are $5 a pack or I might start smoking again. It's been 14 years now but I still miss them. Just a short time ago I would wake up, look at you and thank God for another day filled with His many blessing. Now I wake up and ask God why I have to endure yet another day. Please kiss mommy for me. I love and miss you both so much. Marty said that I am expecting too much when I think I should feel better in a year. He says that I will have a long way to go. I've read about many who say the second year was their hardest. The first year they are in denial & numb. In the second year reality sets in. I think I was out of denial quite some time ago. I am not in this much pain because I am in denial. This pill is making me sleepy so maybe I will take a nap. I love you & always will. We always knew that it would be more than "until death do we part."
Val
I've not been out of the recliner all day other than to get King taken care of. When I got his lunch I grabbed the other half of my Subway foot long from last night. I stopped on the way home from Dr. Marty's & picked one up. I could go to the drive through there & I'd been crying so did not want to go in. I was trying to wait until June to see him because then I will be on Medicare & APA will be my supplemental so I won't have to pay anything. He cut me some slack. He'd stayed after to work me in and then I stayed 20 minutes past my scheduled appointment. It's good to have a psychologist that knew us both and saw firsthand the kind of love we had for one another. He could tell that my pain was worse than on my last visit He suggested that I see Dr. S and talk about anti-depressants. He's not sure they will help but figures it's worth a try. He wants me to call him after Dr. S & I decide what to do. I guess today is one of those "allow" days. I am allowing myself to NOT take are of business. I've already taken a Xanax. It's not helping this stomach ache! I'm glad that cigarettes are $5 a pack or I might start smoking again. It's been 14 years now but I still miss them. Just a short time ago I would wake up, look at you and thank God for another day filled with His many blessing. Now I wake up and ask God why I have to endure yet another day. Please kiss mommy for me. I love and miss you both so much. Marty said that I am expecting too much when I think I should feel better in a year. He says that I will have a long way to go. I've read about many who say the second year was their hardest. The first year they are in denial & numb. In the second year reality sets in. I think I was out of denial quite some time ago. I am not in this much pain because I am in denial. This pill is making me sleepy so maybe I will take a nap. I love you & always will. We always knew that it would be more than "until death do we part."
Val
Replies
My dear friend. I do understand the allow days! I think I do not allow myself to NOT take care of business on a daily basis. I wish there was a pill they could give me to get my butt in gear. The anti-depressants made me not even care so it was almost a double whammy on me...Maybe they will work for you...
I am going to TRY to get off these smokes soon??? I commend you for staying off them! Stay true to it! They are evil!
~Christine
Sending you very gentle ((hugs)) of comfort and support. The grieving process is different for everyone. Good rest and eating right help a lot and it may seem silly to some but in our pain we often forget that we need to rest and eat well to cope as well as we possibly can. The grieving process, for me, happens more in the form of waves of grieving. Sometimes a tsunami would strike and wash me out to sea and other times the wave would be light and not hit with such fierce velocity. It was unpredictable so much of the time and would at times catch me totally off guard and knock me to my knees without warning. There were moments I felt I was making such good progress and wham I would find myself in tears from some event or even a thought that would trigger all of the painful emotions. I learned, over time, that none of it was predictable and I simply began to release control over it and allowed the emotions and pain to process according to their own timetable. I refocused my limited energy on doing what I could and learned to let go of the rest. My healing continues.
I hope you find good rest tonight. You are in my thoughts and I care.
Patricia ;-)
Thank you ladies I ove and appreciate you! Val
Hey Carol,
King could use a playmate. Afraid he does not know his limits though. He doesn\'t know that he is 11. I play with him in short spurts now. Several smaller playtimes. I ran across some pix of King\'s bad leg. I\'m going to post one. This year mark is BRUTAL. Hugs to you & Rider! Val
When I was on xanax I had to take it as dirrected, if i missed a dose the depression got way bad way fast.So please don\'t skip doses, that depression can sneak up on you in a hurry.My dad passed away on father\'s day and the one year mark is coming up soon.I am already dreading it. I sure wish I knew some way to help you Val. I am so so sorry. If you would like me to I could ask for our group at keep on keeping on to add you to their prayers as well.Let me know.You have been through too much, such deep pain and loss.I feel so bad for you honey.God love you sweetie.I think I just want to say a little prayer right now,I hope you won\'t mind.Father God in Heaven, in Jesus name I come before you to ask you Father to let Val feel you with her right now, please let her have your strenght to carry on, please let her feel your love with her, your peace that passeth all understanding.Help her, please send people or angels to her to be with her to help her now.You know father you see, and you know how much she needs you.Please God help ! Amen
\"\"GRIEF\"\" has NO time limit ... Marty is right ..It takes time, I was just talking to my daughter about this , losing loved ones & GRIEF ... She said YOU NEVER GET OVER THEM , I say \'TRUE\" , it just gets easier to deal with(maybe) , if you are processing it correctly , with a good frame of mind...
I lost seven loved ones with-in a year .... I thought there would never be any joy in my life , nor would I ever laugh again .... I do , BUT I also have my days, where I have such a deep deep grief , I cry and cry .... I\'m NOT sure if any one trully understands , my griveing about my ex\'s passing my daughter\'s father ... We lost him under extremally and unusual circumstances ,Even Our talk therapist , was at a loss for words ...
I\'v found having a Positive attitude and remembering the good times is a GREAT help ! HUGS & PRAYERS, JOBBIE
Jobbie,
I do understand griveing for an ex. I do still. Yesterday would have been his 68th birthday. I wrote his widow as I knew she would be having a rough day. We are becoming friends. I am so glad that he was blessed in finding her! Val