My little one
Ok so here goes. Me and my husband got pregnant in feb 2014. We we really made up. Things were going great apart from the exhaustion and morning sickness that didnt want to seem to go. At 11 weeks i was getting a shower before bed and although there was no pain i was aware there was something not quite right. When i looked down i was bleeding. I have had 5 kids so i was convinced i had lossed the baby. My husbands friend took us up to the hospital were they arranged a scan for the next day. (i think that was the longest day of my life) we got the all clear, baby was ok. Told to go home and take it easy. Then at 14 weeks i started bleeding again. This time i had my scan almost straight away and again baby was ok. I asked and explained that this was supposed to be a nice time not being afraid everyday and night but the docs told me things like this happen sometimes and everything seemed ok. At 17+ weeks yet again another bleed. The docs didnt seem to be really concerned so made me wait 4 hours for a scan. I asked for a 2nd opinion and another doc decided that instead of a scan we would get reasurrance by listening to the babys heartbeat. It was the 1st time we would of heard it so it gave us abit of hope. Silence! He told us sometimes if the baby was in a awkward position they couldnt pick it up so we had to wait for the scan. We sar the same sonagrapher every time so i sar the look in her eyes when she saw we were back. I knew when i went in and she confirmed it, this bleed was a fatal one. The baby had died. I was given a tablet that would start labour and told to come back in 2 days to deliver. However the labour started straight away and by the following day i couldnt take it anmore so my husband called the ambulance. After 20 hours of labour, 5 blood transfusions and almost a hysterectomy our little boy riley was born. I felt so guilty, had i killed my baby? Was it something i did or didnt do? I was looked after very well by the staff on the loss ward but there was some concern as to why the labour turned out like that. After a few weeks it was suspected that i have antiphospholipid. It wasnt intirely my fault if the docs had of done the blood tests we asked for they could of figured it out and maybey our boy would still be here? Now i feel so lost, so angry and so alone. My husband wants to try again but i dont think i could ever go through that again.
Replies