My life until now .

My name is Paul Walker , from Kineton England , i was born 6th March 1978 , with a hole in my heart , lungs flooded with blood , a defective valve in my bladder and heart decease attacking my 2 muscle ( not the usual 3 ) Aortic vavle on my heart , i struggled through school , and swore an oath to myself , that when i start work , i would earn the life and freedom i had so longed for , i had 3 operations at 6 and 12 weeks old to fix my internal problems , and so began work in July - August 1994 , under the firm belief that there was no reason now , that , aslong as i put the effort in , did my best and worked hard , there was nothing to prevent me from earning my goals and ambitions . I was wrong . In the 12 years that followed , i lost over 30 jobs , both permanent and agency , through sheer physical exhaustion , reguardless of how routine my life was and each job began , they all ended the same way , me sleeping longer and longer hours , loosing 24 hours straight , to sleep so deep that no sound or alarm could wake me ,( understand , it took from mere weeks to 2 years MAXIMUM , to go from 8 hours per 24 to loosing entire days , once even 2 days only waking to void my bladder , and to this day , i don't remember my head hitting the pillow moments after i'd washed and dried my hands .) Job after job , year after year , things kept going wrong , with no explanation . Finally , i lost my last job in DEC' 2006 , and spent Jan and Feb 2007 sleeping in my car in a layby next to a crematorium and cemetery , with only the dead as my constant neighbours because i didn't know how to tell my family , i'd failed , AGAIN . But , during those 2 months in my car , i reflected on the passed 12 years , and had a revalation or 2 , the 1st was , that the heavier the work and the harder i pushed myself , things got much worse not better , and i lost my job sooner , or quicker , the 2nd was , that even at my best and most energetic , i appeared slow and sluggish to my work mates and that i got even slower over the course of the job , as long as it lasted , and 3rdly , i realised then , that for sure it was not my brain , nor lack of will or effort that was my problem , but i was indeed being betrayed by my own body , and at tha point , i believed it to be caused by the medical prodlems i had when born . My family finally learning the truth from me , i was given a small caravan to reside in , this became my home for 6 year , but in the 1st month or 2 , with a new G.P , i was finally diagnosed with C.F.S , and given medical explanation as to why my best efforts did more harm than good . It's only now , years later , and been granted a flat that i'm very soon to loose , that i've thought of 2 analogies to describe how C.F.S affects me . 1) It's like being buried knee deep in a dry sand pit , the more you struggle to get out through your own effort , the deeper you sink in , and the powers that be , forcing you to do what you know you cannot , take the place of a void collapse , even when you don't struggle , you still sink . 2) Isee the human body , much like a petrol combustion engine , it runs not just on fuel , but electric too , the fuel is ignited by sparks from the spark plugs , which get the sparks from the battery which is ment to be kept charged by , whats called an " alternator " , which is basically a powerful dynamo , that , in tern is run by the engine , if the " alternator " isn't working at full capacity , or is too small to power the engine it's fitted to , the battery runs down , and then kills the engine , and just with modern cars with onboard computers , when my electricity reserves start to run too low , my subconscious takes control of my body , and keeps me asleep until such time , that my reserves have recovered enough for me to awaken again , my subconscious taking control and keeping me dormant as it does , is the only reason why the biological batteries in my cells ( Mitochondria ) , haven't been run completely down and caused me to die of heart failure years ago , it's a backup system , instead of dying of heart failure , you sleep longer instead , and so , i suffer from limited energy day to day , and easy exhaustion , because my " alternator " is van jaxed , and i use up power faster than my body can replace , this unfortunately has a knock on effect with the batteries ( Mitochondria ) , continued over drainage , damages these cells , and so , takes longer to recover , because your body is having to repair the damaged batteries aswell as recharge them , but , i think  , every time they have to be repaired , more and more damage becomes permanent , therefore , can no longer hold full charge ( e.g at age 12 , they held 100% capacity , but now at 36 , because they've suffered damage so often , they can only hold 65 % of their original capacity , and that percentage decreases every time they undergo repair .) , making me physically and mentally slower every time i'm forced over my limites . That's C.F.S and how it affects me as i see and understand it . My only wish now , is that like a car , you could just whip out the old " alternator " and batteries , and replace them with new ones at my local garage , not possible unfortunately . LOL , GRRRrrrrrrrrrrrrr ! .