My Life Today! Not what I planned.
This is so not how I had planned my life to end up. We were suppose to get the happily ever after. As I sit here the tears are pouring not because of any special reason just because. I sit here and read everyone's post and can relate to so many of them, I wonder did I write that. It is so unreal that people that we have never met have had the same experiences and thoughts about their spouses and families as us. And sitting here wishing I was anywhere but here. This house is so big and empty when you are by yourself yet so many memories you can't imagine not living here. I was one of the lucky ones I guess, don't have to worry about a mortgage payment or losing my house. Can't imagine that, it is hard enough to try to start over by yourself without having to worry about finding a place to live. Have a Job so don't have to worry about that. Don't have little ones anymore running around so I don't have to worry about raising my kids alone like some of you do. Last one will graduate from college in December. So I have been blessed and I guess I am just rambling right now trying to make myself realize that Life is worth living just not feeling it right now. Somedays I just wish, no I am not gonna say it. I do LOVE my KIDS and GRANDKIDS, just not my life right now. Father's Day is coming up and the following weekend is his birthday, oh this month is horrible. Makes me think of my sister they used to joke around and say where is Mr. Right or should I say Mr. Right Now! But they know that is not me never has been and I hope never will be. I never played the dating field or the did the bar scene and hope I never resort to that. I knew the moment I met John that he was the one and I would have moved Heaven and Earth to be with him. Thanks for listening I am feeling better now just needed to get it off my chest I guess the walls are closing in and that vacation is much needed now just need to book the first plane out of here.
Replies
It is hard to count your blessings when your hearts blessing is gone. It seems little matters but your loss. I could have written your journal entry, so much of mirrored mine in my earlier days, even still. You have a month full of the special dates, special memories, these are hard to get through, but we do. Book that vacation, remember to count your blessings and take each day one at a time.
Hugs Linda
It will be a trying year ahead with all the firsts. The second year there are more smiles than tears when we remember them. But there will always be tears and hard pangs of emotion. You are in a time that just doesn\'t make sense right now. Be strong, take that trip and know that what you had is something many people will never share. Hugs, Kip.
I\'ve spent many Sundays sitting at the computer with tears flowing non stop...no, this isn\'t the life I planned or wanted either. I think we really do have to take each day at a time. Hoping the day improves (it has to, right?!)
Lisa
I am so sorry for the pain. I know that this journey is such a hard one. It was NOT supposed to be like this. I totally agree with that. Father\'s Day is coming and it is going to be a hard one. I think vacation is a great idea. Good for you for counting your blessings. Hugs, Dawn
I thought in that first year that if a bus would strike me down I would be grateful. Even after 4 years I miss him so and wish for my life back but it has gotten better and I am enjoying life again the best i can. I try to think positive and count my blessings every day some days are harder than others. But it does get easier as time passes. Hugs!!!!