My life, such as it has been...
I've been depressed most of my life. It has been my habit to try and blame other people, and that does not help.
Really, most of the decisions I've made during my life have proven to be wrong. I don't know why, yet, but I have to admit that it was that way.
I decided not to go to college, primarily because I could not figure out how to accomplish it without any financial assistance from my parents, who gave all of their financial assistance to my older brother, because he was a "genius" and I was a girl.
I gave up hope of going to college, but needed to get out of my parents house. So the first man I found, I attached myself to and fled, into a home that he had no interest in supporting and spent many unhappy years trying to make the relationship work, with the children, house, and him to support.
I did the best I could trying to create a home for the children and see to everyone's needs, but I was unhappy doing it. I'd often had the thought, while my children were young, that I should not have had children, and possibly thought that it wasn't my fault, but I really do know better. I did nothing to prevent having children, so I can't really pin the blame on anyone else.
My husband told me that he felt "trapped" into the marriage, and therefore had a bad attitude towards it, and me, during the time that we spent together. After we had parted, finally, I think that he realized just how much the family meant to him, and he tried to replace it.
I don't think that he was ever really satisfied with the replacements, who were all women that had two children of their own and he failed to be a father to them. On his death bed, he asked for me, and I felt a great deal of guilt for not being there, but we had parted more than 2 decades earlier, and there had been no reason for me to expect him to want to see me.
Until recently, my life had always been better off after separating from him, but illness and financial disaster have brought me back to the place that I was at when I decided to leave him.
I've brought it all upon myself, by making the mistake of bringing my brother with me when I sold the three family house on Chalkstone, when I made yet another huge mistake.
Every man that I have chosen to have a relationship with has been a mistake. One husband and two boyfriends later, I am resigned, once again, to not get involved for the rest of my life with any other man, because I don't care for having a man in my life.
I really do not know what to do with myself. I am alone, which is for the best, but sometimes I wish I had some friends. Just a few, mind, and not just so that I can have someone to complain to, really, but to have someone to spend some time with.
I don't think that I ever learned how to have a decent life. I look at my mother's life, and that is where I am heading. The one exception, I think, is that I totally do not want anyone to take care of me, like she does, but someone to be there to talk to and spend time with, doing something that is not a true responsibility, but I need some fun in my life, and there is none now.
I do need to have more in my life than television, though. I have been living on the sofa, sometimes on the computer, but always watching television. Even when there are no shows I care to watch, it is on. I don't really have much else that I want to be doing.
I could say that I am in too much pain most of the time, and that would not be a lie, exactly. I am in constant pain, but that is not why I am practically immobile. I just cannot seem to want to do anything.
So I sit here, just thinking about my failures and struggling to find a reason to actually get up and do something. I fail miserably most of the time.
Once winter is over, which will be soon, I have got to get up and get moving, or I will end up like my mother with no ambition save getting someone else to do all of the work. When I told her that she should be up and walking, she told me that she was waiting to come home to do that. She is perfectly comfortable sitting in the wheelchair and expecting everyone else to do the work for her.
I've never had a lot of respect for my mother, and when my older daughter told me that she is starting to look at me like I look at my mother I was insulted, shocked, and very hurt. Even admitting that I can see some similarities between my mother's foolish attitude towards life and my own, it doesn't improve from either end.
My mother made my childhood a misery, and as much as I would like to say that I am over it, I am not. Not totally, at any rate. I still do remember the punishments she exacted upon me for such relatively minor things. I have been in pain most of my life because of it - I remember when my spine was fractured - I was about 8 years old and she held me by the shoulders in order to "spank" me, and when she let go I slammed into the woodwork and she let me sit there, screaming in pain, for quite some time.
I never received much comfort from my parents, and was frequently embarrassed by them. Sometimes purposefully, like when they gave me underwear for Christmas then asked me to model it in front of the other relatives.
There are not a lot of good memories from childhood - and none of them had anything to do with my parents. I am quite sure that part of that is that the depression started quite early on, so my view of events never really did have much of a shine to it.
So, if my attitude is the problem, I need to change it, but I don't know how, exactly. I was feeling absolutely horrible about losing the house in Maine and having my finances in such a state, but once I accepted defeat, because you cannot have pleasant feelings when confronted with a battle that you cannot win, I felt much better about things.
Accepting defeat has lifted a weight off my shoulders, but maintaining the feeling is hard. Especially when I continue to have letters and phone calls regarding the property, and there is no end in sight. I am at a loss as to what to do about it, and cannot afford to get a lawyer to advise me, nor do I think that it would help.
I cannot save the house, because it would take more than I can manage. I would have to come up with more than $50K, and then I would still have to pay out when I have nothing to pay with. I never realized that a foreclosure would not completely cancel the debt, in some cases, and I am quite worried about the residual debt left over after they take the house. I've lost everything, and to have to pay back the money borrowed after they have taken all of my assets away is quite frightening.
Which means that I will have to go to court, when the foreclosure finally proceeds, and plead with them to excuse the debt. As both banks are tacking on additional fees and interest and late charges to the debt I owe them right now, there will be residual debt after they sell the house, and I cannot see a way to cover it.
I can't work, and although I wish I could, because working is good and I enjoy it, if they place a "summary judgement" against me because of this I will not be able to pay it and it will hang over me for the rest of my life.
Keybank is really the worst bank I have ever dealt with and if past conversations with them is any indicator, they will go for blood during the foreclosure process.
Really, most of the decisions I've made during my life have proven to be wrong. I don't know why, yet, but I have to admit that it was that way.
I decided not to go to college, primarily because I could not figure out how to accomplish it without any financial assistance from my parents, who gave all of their financial assistance to my older brother, because he was a "genius" and I was a girl.
I gave up hope of going to college, but needed to get out of my parents house. So the first man I found, I attached myself to and fled, into a home that he had no interest in supporting and spent many unhappy years trying to make the relationship work, with the children, house, and him to support.
I did the best I could trying to create a home for the children and see to everyone's needs, but I was unhappy doing it. I'd often had the thought, while my children were young, that I should not have had children, and possibly thought that it wasn't my fault, but I really do know better. I did nothing to prevent having children, so I can't really pin the blame on anyone else.
My husband told me that he felt "trapped" into the marriage, and therefore had a bad attitude towards it, and me, during the time that we spent together. After we had parted, finally, I think that he realized just how much the family meant to him, and he tried to replace it.
I don't think that he was ever really satisfied with the replacements, who were all women that had two children of their own and he failed to be a father to them. On his death bed, he asked for me, and I felt a great deal of guilt for not being there, but we had parted more than 2 decades earlier, and there had been no reason for me to expect him to want to see me.
Until recently, my life had always been better off after separating from him, but illness and financial disaster have brought me back to the place that I was at when I decided to leave him.
I've brought it all upon myself, by making the mistake of bringing my brother with me when I sold the three family house on Chalkstone, when I made yet another huge mistake.
Every man that I have chosen to have a relationship with has been a mistake. One husband and two boyfriends later, I am resigned, once again, to not get involved for the rest of my life with any other man, because I don't care for having a man in my life.
I really do not know what to do with myself. I am alone, which is for the best, but sometimes I wish I had some friends. Just a few, mind, and not just so that I can have someone to complain to, really, but to have someone to spend some time with.
I don't think that I ever learned how to have a decent life. I look at my mother's life, and that is where I am heading. The one exception, I think, is that I totally do not want anyone to take care of me, like she does, but someone to be there to talk to and spend time with, doing something that is not a true responsibility, but I need some fun in my life, and there is none now.
I do need to have more in my life than television, though. I have been living on the sofa, sometimes on the computer, but always watching television. Even when there are no shows I care to watch, it is on. I don't really have much else that I want to be doing.
I could say that I am in too much pain most of the time, and that would not be a lie, exactly. I am in constant pain, but that is not why I am practically immobile. I just cannot seem to want to do anything.
So I sit here, just thinking about my failures and struggling to find a reason to actually get up and do something. I fail miserably most of the time.
Once winter is over, which will be soon, I have got to get up and get moving, or I will end up like my mother with no ambition save getting someone else to do all of the work. When I told her that she should be up and walking, she told me that she was waiting to come home to do that. She is perfectly comfortable sitting in the wheelchair and expecting everyone else to do the work for her.
I've never had a lot of respect for my mother, and when my older daughter told me that she is starting to look at me like I look at my mother I was insulted, shocked, and very hurt. Even admitting that I can see some similarities between my mother's foolish attitude towards life and my own, it doesn't improve from either end.
My mother made my childhood a misery, and as much as I would like to say that I am over it, I am not. Not totally, at any rate. I still do remember the punishments she exacted upon me for such relatively minor things. I have been in pain most of my life because of it - I remember when my spine was fractured - I was about 8 years old and she held me by the shoulders in order to "spank" me, and when she let go I slammed into the woodwork and she let me sit there, screaming in pain, for quite some time.
I never received much comfort from my parents, and was frequently embarrassed by them. Sometimes purposefully, like when they gave me underwear for Christmas then asked me to model it in front of the other relatives.
There are not a lot of good memories from childhood - and none of them had anything to do with my parents. I am quite sure that part of that is that the depression started quite early on, so my view of events never really did have much of a shine to it.
So, if my attitude is the problem, I need to change it, but I don't know how, exactly. I was feeling absolutely horrible about losing the house in Maine and having my finances in such a state, but once I accepted defeat, because you cannot have pleasant feelings when confronted with a battle that you cannot win, I felt much better about things.
Accepting defeat has lifted a weight off my shoulders, but maintaining the feeling is hard. Especially when I continue to have letters and phone calls regarding the property, and there is no end in sight. I am at a loss as to what to do about it, and cannot afford to get a lawyer to advise me, nor do I think that it would help.
I cannot save the house, because it would take more than I can manage. I would have to come up with more than $50K, and then I would still have to pay out when I have nothing to pay with. I never realized that a foreclosure would not completely cancel the debt, in some cases, and I am quite worried about the residual debt left over after they take the house. I've lost everything, and to have to pay back the money borrowed after they have taken all of my assets away is quite frightening.
Which means that I will have to go to court, when the foreclosure finally proceeds, and plead with them to excuse the debt. As both banks are tacking on additional fees and interest and late charges to the debt I owe them right now, there will be residual debt after they sell the house, and I cannot see a way to cover it.
I can't work, and although I wish I could, because working is good and I enjoy it, if they place a "summary judgement" against me because of this I will not be able to pay it and it will hang over me for the rest of my life.
Keybank is really the worst bank I have ever dealt with and if past conversations with them is any indicator, they will go for blood during the foreclosure process.
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