My life's painful lessons..

I think my life's lesson is learning to have faith; having faith in GOD, believing in myself, & trusting others.  I acknowledge (but not accepted) that I've been self-loathing & wallowing in self-pity instead of believing that situations, struggles are required for me to be a stronger person.  This life lesson may take a life-time to learn.  I seem to let go and let GOD; I want to be in control of everything at all times.  Along with faith comes patience.  I have no patience when it come to me.  My perspective of myself is manifested in how others treat me; it's as if they can read me & feed off my negative vibe of myself...this then reinforces my lack of self worth.  It becomes an endless, vicious cycle & I've been continuously spiraling downward my whole life..
Perhaps my suffering is to 'teach' me patience...perhaps I should have been praying all along and not have 'waited' until dire straights to pray.  Prayer is communicating with HIM; I should have been praising him & thanking him daily when things were going well.  Things are not the way I want them to be but they could always be worse & I need to count the blessings that I DO still have...I've also acknowledged my own hypocrasy that I've treated GOD the way I despise being treated myself: blaming others for coming to me only when they need something and being absent during my time of need!