My Life Is A Mess
<!-- /* Font Definitions */ @font-face {font-family:"Trebuchet MS"; panose-1:2 11 6 3 2 2 2 2 2 4; mso-font-charset:0; mso-generic-font-family:swiss; mso-font-pitch:variable; mso-font-signature:647 0 0 0 159 0;} /* Style Definitions */ p.MsoNormal, li.MsoNormal, div.MsoNormal {mso-style-parent:""; margin:0in; margin-bottom:.0001pt; mso-pagination:widow-orphan; font-size:12.0pt; font-family:"Times New Roman"; mso-fareast-font-family:"Times New Roman";} @page Section1 {size:8.5in 11.0in; margin:1.0in 1.25in 1.0in 1.25in; mso-header-margin:.5in; mso-footer-margin:.5in; mso-paper-source:0;} div.Section1 {page:Section1;} -->
Thursday, February 25, 2010 - 10:35 AM
The combination of constant inclement weather, increasing aches and pains in various parts of my body, and ongoing emotional issues, have left me feeling badly for several weeks. Thanks to all of this, I have found myself to be in another rut whereby I do not want to do anything at all.
Earlier this week, my sister called and left a message for me saying that she wanted to talk with me about this horrible weather we have been having. I do not know what she thought I was able to do to change it. When I finally talked with her, she kind of laughed and just said that she had been depressed about it and wanted to talk with someone. Unfortunately, that someone was I. On the positive side, since I was not available that night, she wound up calling her daughter instead.
As I said in one of my previous journal entries, the pain I've been having in my back has now moved into other parts of my body as well. Because my feet and ankles had become swollen, my doctor had me wearing some special socks to help improve my blood circulation
My CNA's were supposed to put my socks on and make sure that they stretched over my knees to prevent swelling and pain in that part of my body as well. They somehow misunderstood that concept, and folded the socks in half, rather than to put them over my knees. This resulted in a large swelling in my right leg, and a lot of pain there as well.
I began getting some physical therapy last week. Originally, this was intended to be for the pain in my back, but it has now extended into my neck and legs too. Yesterday was my second session, but I have already been able to notice a slight decrease in pain. I am supposed to continue getting physical therapy twice a week through the month of March, but I am not sure what will happen after that.
My physical therapist has already mentioned that she would like me to have some more pool therapy as I had when I was seeing her somewhat more than a year ago. That is not supposed to start until sometime next month. I need to talk with her about it before then and remind her that the insurance would not cover the cost of that treatment previously.
Tomorrow morning I'm supposed to have a joint counseling session with both Dr. Martin and Dale. They are concerned because they do not feel that I am taking enough pain medication. I have tried explaining to them that I am reluctant to take too much because I do not want to become addicted to it. But they have tried telling me that since it got to the point where I was in so much pain a couple of weeks ago that I began crying, they thought there was a legitimate reason why I should be taking it.
Part of me understands where they're coming from. I understand their reasoning and see some merit to it. However, I'm still having problems talking myself into taking that much medicine. Up until the past month, I had been taking one or two tablets of Percocet a day. When the pain started getting worse, I had to increase the amount to three tablets a day. In the last two weeks, it had to be increased another notch up to four.
Even at this level, I am having a substantial amount of pain. I have been asked to take two tablets at one time, but I am extremely reluctant to do that because I have a fear of overdosing on it, and it has also started to make me feel dizzy, which I do not like. My doctor assured me that I will be safe unless I take "40" pills at one time. He knows that even in my worst days, I will not do that.
Dr. Martin seems to feel that one reason I am not taking as much pain medication as I could is that I am punishing myself for some of the sexual abuse I went through. I partially agree with that. I told her that I was also upset at some of the sexual activities I have been involved in after the abuse ended. I said that I felt it was wrong, but still participated in it up to the present time
I also said that I was quite sure that when I die I am going straight to hell. She said that my thinking about it was wrong, and that we need to discuss the entire situation. Although I saw her Tuesday, we ran out of time to do just that. We are supposed to pick up where we left off when I see her next week.
As if all this were not enough, I have been having other problems as well. I have received letters informing me that Silverscript will no longer pay for my two anti-depressants. I turned this matter over to my home healthcare nurse, and she had been trying, unsuccessfully, to reach my primary care physician's nurse to get help dealing with it. I spoke with my doctor's nurse yesterday afternoon and explained what happened when I took generic medications for my antidepressants, and she said it sounded like I was having anaphylactic shock. She said they would definitely have to talk with the insurance company about this because I could not switch to medications that cause this to happen. (It looks as though I will have to do without the antidepressants until some kind of solution is reached.)
For the past month, I have been unable to get my normal shipment of monthly medical supplies. My home healthcare agency has been trying to help me with this problem, but even they have been getting the runaround. I need those supplies because they contain material to use with such things as my skin breakdowns, and special adhesives for use in securing my catheter. I am beginning to run out of patience with this supply company, and am considering trying to find another one.
The heavy snow we have been having almost every week has pretty much forced me to stay in my apartment and not go out too often. My therapists both feel that this is taking a heavy toll on me emotionally. It is one thing for me not to go somewhere because I do not want to go somewhere, and quite another thing to be unable to go outside because I have no choice in the matter. I am beginning to feel as though I am in jail.
While all this is going on, I have also been having difficulty sleeping at night. It used to be that I was able to get a full eight hours of sleep almost every night, which is the amount I really need in order to feel good the following day. For some reason, I am currently able to get only about 6 to 6 1/2 hours of sleep each night. When that used to happen, most of the time I could tilt my wheelchair back during the day and get an extra hour or two of sleep that way. For whatever reason, I can no longer get that much-needed additional sleep like that. I am able to get comfortable in that manner, but sleep just will not come. The only thing I can figure out is that I am having too many stressful things to deal with at one time. I can do without the sleep deprivation, but it looks like it cannot do without me.
Although I am anything but happy with my life right now, I told Dr. Martin that I did not plan on trying to kill myself. Dr. Martin said she was glad about that.
Thursday, February 25, 2010 - 10:35 AM
The combination of constant inclement weather, increasing aches and pains in various parts of my body, and ongoing emotional issues, have left me feeling badly for several weeks. Thanks to all of this, I have found myself to be in another rut whereby I do not want to do anything at all.
Earlier this week, my sister called and left a message for me saying that she wanted to talk with me about this horrible weather we have been having. I do not know what she thought I was able to do to change it. When I finally talked with her, she kind of laughed and just said that she had been depressed about it and wanted to talk with someone. Unfortunately, that someone was I. On the positive side, since I was not available that night, she wound up calling her daughter instead.
As I said in one of my previous journal entries, the pain I've been having in my back has now moved into other parts of my body as well. Because my feet and ankles had become swollen, my doctor had me wearing some special socks to help improve my blood circulation
My CNA's were supposed to put my socks on and make sure that they stretched over my knees to prevent swelling and pain in that part of my body as well. They somehow misunderstood that concept, and folded the socks in half, rather than to put them over my knees. This resulted in a large swelling in my right leg, and a lot of pain there as well.
I began getting some physical therapy last week. Originally, this was intended to be for the pain in my back, but it has now extended into my neck and legs too. Yesterday was my second session, but I have already been able to notice a slight decrease in pain. I am supposed to continue getting physical therapy twice a week through the month of March, but I am not sure what will happen after that.
My physical therapist has already mentioned that she would like me to have some more pool therapy as I had when I was seeing her somewhat more than a year ago. That is not supposed to start until sometime next month. I need to talk with her about it before then and remind her that the insurance would not cover the cost of that treatment previously.
Tomorrow morning I'm supposed to have a joint counseling session with both Dr. Martin and Dale. They are concerned because they do not feel that I am taking enough pain medication. I have tried explaining to them that I am reluctant to take too much because I do not want to become addicted to it. But they have tried telling me that since it got to the point where I was in so much pain a couple of weeks ago that I began crying, they thought there was a legitimate reason why I should be taking it.
Part of me understands where they're coming from. I understand their reasoning and see some merit to it. However, I'm still having problems talking myself into taking that much medicine. Up until the past month, I had been taking one or two tablets of Percocet a day. When the pain started getting worse, I had to increase the amount to three tablets a day. In the last two weeks, it had to be increased another notch up to four.
Even at this level, I am having a substantial amount of pain. I have been asked to take two tablets at one time, but I am extremely reluctant to do that because I have a fear of overdosing on it, and it has also started to make me feel dizzy, which I do not like. My doctor assured me that I will be safe unless I take "40" pills at one time. He knows that even in my worst days, I will not do that.
Dr. Martin seems to feel that one reason I am not taking as much pain medication as I could is that I am punishing myself for some of the sexual abuse I went through. I partially agree with that. I told her that I was also upset at some of the sexual activities I have been involved in after the abuse ended. I said that I felt it was wrong, but still participated in it up to the present time
I also said that I was quite sure that when I die I am going straight to hell. She said that my thinking about it was wrong, and that we need to discuss the entire situation. Although I saw her Tuesday, we ran out of time to do just that. We are supposed to pick up where we left off when I see her next week.
As if all this were not enough, I have been having other problems as well. I have received letters informing me that Silverscript will no longer pay for my two anti-depressants. I turned this matter over to my home healthcare nurse, and she had been trying, unsuccessfully, to reach my primary care physician's nurse to get help dealing with it. I spoke with my doctor's nurse yesterday afternoon and explained what happened when I took generic medications for my antidepressants, and she said it sounded like I was having anaphylactic shock. She said they would definitely have to talk with the insurance company about this because I could not switch to medications that cause this to happen. (It looks as though I will have to do without the antidepressants until some kind of solution is reached.)
For the past month, I have been unable to get my normal shipment of monthly medical supplies. My home healthcare agency has been trying to help me with this problem, but even they have been getting the runaround. I need those supplies because they contain material to use with such things as my skin breakdowns, and special adhesives for use in securing my catheter. I am beginning to run out of patience with this supply company, and am considering trying to find another one.
The heavy snow we have been having almost every week has pretty much forced me to stay in my apartment and not go out too often. My therapists both feel that this is taking a heavy toll on me emotionally. It is one thing for me not to go somewhere because I do not want to go somewhere, and quite another thing to be unable to go outside because I have no choice in the matter. I am beginning to feel as though I am in jail.
While all this is going on, I have also been having difficulty sleeping at night. It used to be that I was able to get a full eight hours of sleep almost every night, which is the amount I really need in order to feel good the following day. For some reason, I am currently able to get only about 6 to 6 1/2 hours of sleep each night. When that used to happen, most of the time I could tilt my wheelchair back during the day and get an extra hour or two of sleep that way. For whatever reason, I can no longer get that much-needed additional sleep like that. I am able to get comfortable in that manner, but sleep just will not come. The only thing I can figure out is that I am having too many stressful things to deal with at one time. I can do without the sleep deprivation, but it looks like it cannot do without me.
Although I am anything but happy with my life right now, I told Dr. Martin that I did not plan on trying to kill myself. Dr. Martin said she was glad about that.
Replies
I am glad you are not planning on trying to kill yourself. You are going through alot, and sounds like something you\'ve just got to take one day at a time. I just found out I have mono. How the heck did that happen? But at least it\'s not something worse, I was beginning to worry. I don\'t know what to say about the pain medication situation, but I sure hope that you get something going that will ease the physical pain for you, that may help you feel better emotionally.
A lot of the mess you are in seems to be from the people supposed to be helping you who seem fairly incompetent to me. For example - your CNA\'s who were supposed to put your support socks over your knees and instead doubled them up which resulted in a swelling on your right leg. Your sister ringing to talk to you about her depression over the bad weather without taking your problems into consideration first. She should have phoned to ask about you and your needs. Most inconsiderate. Hopefully when all the issues you mention in your journal are corrected you will have a little bit more peace in your life. I hope that happens soon for you.
Hi Jim Sure sounds like you had lots going on. .All of your friends care about you here on DS. Don\'t forget that. ok? Hang in there! many hugs and thoughts and prayers to you-Stephanie
I think physical pain can be a very useful distraction from emotional pain. Emotional pain has a lot attached to it.
I think your concerns over meds are valid and reasonable. I\'ll bet you know your body better than anyone who tells you what to do.
Sending some warm thoughts your way.