My life completely changes...

When I wake up my first thought is always of you even when we don't talk. And now I have to stop myself? It's cruel, it's not fair. My body doesn't know you're gone. My head believes this is just a phase, my heart still hopes. It's a love that doesn't stop, and not a sick codependency. I keep running in my head over and over the feel of your skin. The shape of every aspect of your body, the feel of you hands on me, the touch of my hair, the look in your eyes. The feel of you curled up next to me, my head on your stomach or chest. The look of your hands as I trace your veins. I already ache with loneliness of you, of touch, of intimacy that is deeper than before.  It's a love that will never die. 
 
The financial and time aspects are the ones that hit hard in the beginning.
 
And then it hits everything that will have to change. I will never have retirement. i will never have savings, Lydia will not have lessons, vacations are out of the question, she will never have a college fund. I can't have babysitters and go out when I want. Counseling will have to be scaled back considerably, or left. New clothes are a dream, house improvements are patches. Going on is going to the park, not the movies, not anywhere that means spending money. The way life is lived, festivals, the markets, birthday parties, every aspect of life has to be different now. 
 
And you won't have to change a thing outside of me in your lifestyle. How fair is that? Even with what you could give me, it will stlll be this way. Do you think about that at all? Do you even realize what I have to give up and do for this? How tortured I have to be to do this? I have to be punished, and you it feels like you will just be hurt. I'm not minimizing the hurt, but you have no idea what this means for me in comparison of what it means for you. And you think I had all the power?
 
I wonder, and I suspect it won't be true, but I wonder if you will read these, or if you will leave me behind completely.