My life and why im flip around from God belief to No god

Peachy this one is for yourself!!! 1. Little peachy happy as a child, well thinks she is, but Dad leave her at age 3,,, why ??  dont know really, now think your not good enough  for a dad, from that little tender age 2. Peachy the young girl, is sheltered away from having friends, as she is left with a very insecure mother, telling her all sorts of negative things about life, to hard for mother to have her, go and live with Grandmother... Peachy scared about life.  No one wants me, no one loves me  3. Peachy young woman, meets men who want to have sex with her,  feels sort of like love,  peachy starts to feel close to people,,, Hey is this love,,, what is love, peachy doesnt  really know, they all  tell her this is love, Peachy smart,  works out eventually that Nope dont think this is love.  4. Peachy now meets very attractive man, very strong, very protective, she marries him, he bashes her, breaks her bones, rapes her, insults her, daily, really really scares her.,  is such such a bad bad man,,,,,  Police say, change your identity and leave,, he is a dangerous man , Where will i go, dont know, so l stay Peachy gets pregnant, and the Satan of a husband, says no, your not allowed to have a baby.,,,, have an abortion instead... Peachy does what she is told..... Crys for this decision, still crys for the decision 22 years later... .. So now along come  pregnancies, beautiful children she has , so the loving father he is, also starts to abuse the children...  Peachy says no way!!!  Not happening to her children... but she  gets sick,, gets arthritis , prays to god please make me well, and healthy, i must leave, but i cant ,  so peachy  starts to drink alchohol, this numbs and makes peachy feel alright. sort of end up with an addiction, no no sort of there.  Ends up with an addiction..... Peachy screaming inside, help me,,,, help me God please make this stop,  Im not Bad... Whats going on here. i dont know why my life is so messed up ... 16 years of extreme marital abuse...   5. So  Peachy runs like hell, takes her children with her, throws the husband in jail, but for 9 years after peachy leaves he torments her, he stalks her, he breaks into her house, he still terrifies her. 6. Peachy gets tough now, you cant hurt me anymore, no one can help me, no one can hurt me. Im void.  Ive done this for so many years.  Peachy thinking really, she has never known what it is like to be happy .  Satan the ex husband moves onto another victim, and finally leaves peachy alone 7. Peachy starts again to feel safe, meets great guy!  She is in love, totally 100% head over heels love, in with a fantastic caring man 8. But Oh - no,,,, peachy your not allowed to be happy.... God must be thinking.. Gosh Peachy  life is to good for you now.... Cop this one, have some PD,,, this one you wont get over,  this is the big one, this will creep around in you, until Viola!!  Your done !!  and thats where it is at the moment. Still got the great guy, but well history, im not going to count on anything A View of my life,  no regrets !!  Everything made me smarter, and gave me great insight into life. God please bless my children, keep them safe, keep them well,  thats all i want now