my letter to my abuser - for my therapy session

i remember everything that happen to me at the age of six when i lived with you.  i remember sharing the bed with you.  i remember you pressing up on my me.  i remember you pushing my head down under the covers.  i remember you making me perform oral sex on you.  i remember telling you "no" and asking you to stop.  you never stopped.  i remember uncle timmy watching from across the room and not saving me from you.  i remember you threatening me if i were to tell my grandmother, your mother, on you.  i remember you drawing pictures of me and you having sex.  you drew this picture of me on my knees in front of you.  i see that image of me everyday.  i remember you urinating on me.  i remember the smell of you and sex. 
i want you to know that your xxx actions devastated my life.  i became fearful.  i became doubtful.  i became extremal.  i became sad.  i have problems maintaining personal relationships.  i feel odd.  i am an outsider.  i don't think anyone likes me.  i think i'm ugly.  i think everyone is laughing at me all the time.  i spend too much time alone - it's not good.  i have more negative chatter inside than positive.  i often wished i had never been born.   i once thought of taking my own life.  i didn't because suicide is a considered a sin in the bible.  i thought what would be the purpose of taking my own life if the only place i would be going is hell.  i feel like i'm already there.  i struggled through school.  i struggled with the law and drinking.   i struggled with work.  i struggle with boundaries.  i don't know how to say "no" when i mean to.  i let people take advantage of me.  i'm passive.  i struggle with my sexuality.  i feel worthless.
i feel like a dirty wet rag that someone keeps throwing away over and over and over again.  it's all because of what you did to me at an innocent age of 6 years old.  i was a child.  i had no idea what sex was about.  i wasn't suppose to know at that time.  i was suppose to have fun and play.  no one ever wanted to play with me because i was strange.  i wasn't like most kids.  you made things for me confusing and difficult to cope with.  i hated myself.  i was ashamed of myself. 
your xxx actions has impeded my own maturing process.  the world seems to be spinning too fast and i'm moving too slow.  i don't feel like i'm ever going to catch up.  i'm very quiet.  i don't speak up for myself.  no one hears me.   i'm filled with all this self doubt.  i have no confidence.    i'm always second guessing myself.  i worry too much - a lot.  people can see it on my face.  i'm angry and bitter.  i frighten easily.  i'm not balanced, and people either feel sorry for me or avoid me. 
i mentioned my sexuality.  i'm not sure who i am suppose to be with.  i'm a guy, i know i am suppose to be with women.  i don't feel worthy of them.  i'm afraid to pursue them because i'm afraid to have sex with them.  i'm not confident that i can perform well because of my passive nature.  i hate the idea of being with men.  i wanted to be married and have children by now.  i wanted to be loved.  i don't think i ever felt that.
school and work have been problems for me.  i have a hard time concentrating.  i give up easily.  it takes me a long time to accomplish most tasks in my life.  it's frustrating.  it's insane that i feel like i have to write out a list of things i have to do everyday for the rest of my life just to move forward.  my life is suppose to be much more than this - i believe.  i see it being much more, but i'm having a hard time reaching for it.  i feel like i'm in this  hole and i can see the top.  i'm trying to reach and climb, but that top seems to be growing higher and higher.  i jut don't get it.
i want you to know what you did to me.  i still feel like a child.  i'm not growing.  no woman wants a man-child and no one wants to hang around a man-child.  you know most of my friends are much younger or much older than me.  i think i choose them so sex won't be apart of the friendship equation, but then i look like a freak to my peers.  i'm not feeling like a winner right now in this stage of my life.  i've never felt like a winner.  i know i'm capable of being a winner, but my mind is placing a lot of obstacles in my path.  i spend too much time in my mind and not enough time in my heart.