My Last Session Before My Trip

I went to my therapist yesterday – Wednesday July 22nd.  She had an all day seminar but came back to the office to see me after at 4:30 PM.  That was very nice.  I asked her what it was about.  She said some things we can use, but not today – acceptance and commitment.  Some things we do in our exposures.  I told her I did most of my homework.  I have my cards in my worry box with me, I tried to call the resort but they don’t have a toll free number (except for other travel agencies) so I found an email from my travel agent and I requested 2 beds but haven’t heard back yet (she’s like ‘yeah, good for you’) and I talked to my husband to “be nice” and he did the same “You’ll be fine,” with my “We don’t know that” back and forth.  But I could not think about packing – like she said last week – I’m frozen about it.  Makes me think about my problem and all the extra stuff I have to bring and like I don’t want to deal with it.  She wanted to write out that note to me with me to make sure she got everything in I want her to.  So, she didn’t do her homework, but I didn’t say that to her.   I asked how her knee is.  She said we can go walking but we need to take the elevator – not the steps.  That’s OK.  I told her I didn’t know which to do.  She asked me what I want to get from doing each of them.  Going next door to be around people when I need to go to the bathroom, walking around outside to try not to escalate it and keep calm and concentrate on other things, and standing outside of the bathroom to – well more of the same.  I told her I do not want to have an accident today – no.  She agreed.  We didn’t decide what to do as we went on to other things.  But later when I needed to go she asked me if I want to start out just before I have to go.  I told her no, we can wait when I have to go but we need to go right away.  She told me if we go next door I can use the bathroom over there if I need to.  Ok.    I told her about my two sons – one got a pretty promising interview and might be moving while we are gone.  He has a friend who had, or has, a colostomy bag and may be moving in with him.  They are very free and open about it, call him “Bags” and he even has that on the back of his baseball jersey.  He’ll pay a little more and get the bedroom and bathroom upstairs to his own because he has to go so much.  We both agreed how I wish I could be so free about talking about my problem like that.  But I’m not – I try to hide it as much as I can.  The other one I called to let him know when we are leaving – my husband won’t do it so I just do – and he was really sweet but a very short conversation.    So I brought out my ‘worry box’ and cards.  I told her I’m embarrassed about some.  She laughed and said she thinks she knows everything about me anyway.  That’s true.  I did tell her some are more ‘afraid of’ than others.  There are degrees.  She knows.  There were a lot about my problem.  Finally I said the next one’s a different subject.  We laughed when I held up the stack of so many about my problem.  I also laughed a little when I read the one about what I look like when I have to go to the bathroom and not being able to stand still.  I asked her, in a way, if she ever has to go that badly (she sort of nodded) and how hard it is to stay still.  She knows I don’t like when I do that.  I think I said, “I don’t know if you ever have to go that badly (a little nod yes).  It’s really hard not to move around.  It really is.”  She didn’t really comment on each individual one.  I didn’t do much either – just mostly read them.  After she asked me where I wanted to put the box.  I motioned and said the shelf where I put it last time.  And she asked me if I wanted the lady watching over it again.  Yes.  She got the lady and I stood up and handed her the box.  I commented how many there were.  She said for 20 years.  I said I should keep them for the next trip.  We laughed.     Here’s my worry cards which all can begin with “I’m afraid”: 1.  I’ll have an accident in front of people and be really embarrassed.  2.  I’ll be out somewhere with no bathrooms around to go. 3.  There will be lines in the bathrooms and I won’t be able to wait. 4.  Wetting my bed at night with my husband. 5.  Wetting my bed at night with the maid knowing and seeing me. 6.  My husband getting mad and yelling at me for accidents – not being nice. 7.  Having to go to the bathroom too often because I’m going preventatively. 8.  Missing out on things because of my problem. 9.  I’ll go into my shame mode and can’t get out of it.  Or, get crabby. 10.  Anyone seeing any “protection” I have – even my husband. 11.  Waiting in line at “customs”.  12.  Having to go to the bathroom on the shuttle or bus or whatever. 13.  I won’t be prepared with “things”. 14.  I’ll be too confident and think I don’t have a problem at all.  Or, denial that I don’t have it either. 15.  What I look like when I have to go to the bathroom – not being able to keep still. 16.  I won’t have enough clothes. 17.  I’m going to wet my bed Sunday night and not be able to wash anything Monday morning before we leave. 18.  I won’t be able to sleep at night and fall asleep during the day when I don’t want to. 19.  Drinking too much or drinking not enough. 20.  I’m not going to have a good time because I’ll be worried too much and too focused on my problem. 21.  Easting or drinking something bad and making me, or my husband, sick. 22.  Getting a cold or anything else – me or my husband.  Or getting any weird diseases there or getting hurt. 23.  Not having fun with my husband or fighting with him. 24.  Being unreachable to my family & friends and visa/versa. 25.  Something bad happening at home and we don’t know about it. 26.  My kids being snoopy at my house or messing it up.  Hiding things good before I leave. 27.  My house burning down or floods or being robbed. 28.  Throwing up (not) in any case.  Or the airplane being bumpy – turbulence. 29.  Plane or vehicle crashes. 30.  Getting really upset about something and not being able to talk to anyone. 31.  Having so much to do when I get home because of being without email, mail, phone calls, etc.    I told her how there are so many unknowns.  That’s why I don’t know what to pack.  Product or no product or which products.  She said that there are things that I can prepare for but there are other things that are out of my control and I just  won’t know about them until they happen.  They might be people, environmental things and such.  I won’t be able to control those things.  I said I just won’t have any accidents at all.  She said, “And you won’t have to bring anything.”  I know she was just testing me.  “Right!” I told her.  She said, “Go ahead!”  Wow … more testing me and she was looking at my reaction.  “Like your husband thinks,” she went on.  I just smiled and she gave me a big smile back like we both know that’s really not a good thing to do or reality.  Yeah.  We even talked about how I hide so much from my husband that he doesn’t know a lot and that may be difficult for me.  She said I don’t know these people and will never see them again.  And I said how if something happens I don’t have to explain anything to them.  No.  But what if something happens on the first day?  I still have to see them on days 2,3,4 and 5.  She didn’t say much.  I feel uneasy about being so far away – unreachable and visa/versa.  She said to email – check in with my daughter every day or every other day.  I said it costs.  She asked if our son will be staying at our house.  No.  I told her our friend is picking us up (4:30 AM), my daughter and family is getting our mail and papers and my son is picking us up when we come in.  I hope they don’t mess up the house.  I like to come back to it clean and not messy – shades of our other son who messed it up all the time.  So we started on what she wrote down for me.  We both said things.  She wrote.   We talked about things before and after we went next door but I can’t remember all that came before or after.  So I’ll tell you about when I needed to go to the bathroom and then come back to our conversations.  But she did say, when writing, for me to get comfortable.  To get out of my wet clothes (change clothes) because that makes me get into the shame mode much more.  It’s a constant reminder.  Yes.   When I needed to go to the bathroom we went right away.  Not sure what we were going to do or where we were going to go.  But she told me again (last time, too) to take my purse with me.  It has my extra clothes.  So we walked out of the office and stood by the elevator.  She asked me something and I said, “I’m OK right now.”  So we walked outside, after riding down in the elevator, and walked next door to the store.  The owner was outside and we exchanged ‘hi’s’ and she asked me who that was.  I told her.    We got inside the store.  No too many people inside as it was later in the day than we usually go.  They may have been about to close.  No one was at the bakery counter so I said I guess we don’t get anything – unless we find someone.  She said that was OK, she didn’t need anything, to just walk around the store.  So we did and she pretty much lead the way this time.  I told her about when I was little I’d poke the eyes out of the chubs fish and drove my parents crazy when we walked past the fish and meat counter.  We walked into the isles – up and down two – very short isles.  She commented about all the different kinds of foods.  She wondered why the cashier guy was wearing a big, tall party hat.  I said I wanted to ask him.  He was busy so we looked at a brand of gum.  I must have moved a little like I was starting to struggle – not much though - and she asked me, “How are you doing?”  I shrugged like so-so.  She asked me, “Is it getting harder?”  “Yes.”    I told her we better go but I still wanted to ask the guy about the hat.  She said OK.  I commented that I hope he doesn’t give a long explanation.  I asked him.  No reason – he just wanted to wear it.  I said it looks nice and she repeated about just wanting to wear it to him.  We walked out.    On the way back she could tell it was really getting harder for me.  She asked me if I wanted to go to the bathroom downstairs or upstairs – it’s up to me.  “Maybe downstairs,” but I wasn’t sure.  “I can do this,” I said out loud.  Yes.  So we got inside and I said with a little more confidence, “Upstairs.”  So up we went 2-3 steps and I said, “Oh, no … you didn’t want to go the steps.”  She said we are already doing it, it’s OK.  I guess she figured with going back and having to wait for the elevator it might take more time that I may not have.    So we went step by step upstairs.  It’s hard to walk fast when you have to concentrate on holding it so much.  She encouraging said to me, “It’s OK … you’ve got time.”  I think that’s what she said to me last time now that I heard those words.  I think she also told me that no one was there in the office.  We got to the top of the stairs and she told me to go in ahead first and she’ll meet me back in her office.  I did, went to the bathroom and came back into her office – which was really hot today for some reason.  Maybe she turns the air vent off when she’s gone.  She had jeans on (1st time she’s worn jeans into the office) and a jacket over her shirt.  She must have really been hot because I don’t get hot easily and I was.  She didn’t say a word, though.  Neither did I.  I came back, sat back down on the couch and she asked me, “Was it a success?”  “Yes!”  That was good.  She asked me when it started getting worse.  I told her back at the store.  She asked me what I did then.  I said that I just tried to tell myself that I can do this over & over again and just to hang on.  That’s why I said to go upstairs because I hadn’t started going to the bathroom.  And, I told myself that if I couldn’t do it – well …  at least I’m with her.  And it helped to be moving around and walking.  It’s the standing still that makes it really hard and we didn’t have to do that because no one was at the bakery counter.  She asked me if I would have done anything differently?  No.  She didn’t comment or suggest anything either.  So we just talked mostly more about the trip and how not to get in the shame mode and just to keep busy and keep moving forward.  I told her that’s why I’m so friendly as a distraction to keep my mind off of it.  And that’s what I do – keep on talking.  Like with the massage therapist.  I keep talking so I don’t relax too much which is not good and I need to work on that.  She didn’t comment – just listened.  She told me to get into the excitement of the trip and the activities (even to dance – she knows I do that to relieve stress).  She didn’t want to put the word shame into what she was writing – negative word I guess – but I told her to, it’s OK.  I was worried about the maid.  What do I do?  It’s with my husband, who knows, and not my friends who didn’t know.  I told her how last time she said to call and tell them but I couldn’t do that anyway.  “Do I cover it up?  No, I can pull the comforter back,” I said.   But then she told me to strip the bed and put it all in the bathroom on the floor.  They are used to things like this and know how to be discreet.  Not if, say, I put paint all over the room.  And just act friendly like nothing, if I see them.  We talked about getting extra towels, too.  Maybe nothing will happen, I told her.  Maybe.    We talked about being prepared.  I said my purse (I pointed to it because I had my bigger purse with me) with my extra clothes – and a plastic bag.  Yes.  And how she said before one accident a day.  Maybe – maybe not.  No commitments here.  I know she doesn’t really know and I don’t either.  It’s just a guess.  I don’t want any accidents and she knows that but we both know sometimes it’s not in our control.  We talked a little bit about my husband being negative and sometimes not much fun – although he’s really excited about this one.  Not too much on either of these, though.   I was really stuck about packing.  She said to make it fun.  Pick out my outfits, match up my jewelry, bring my pretty dress (I told her I got a lot of compliments on that and she said it’s very pretty) get my tropical looks, my sandals and such.  Do the fun stuff first.  Then figure out my extras.  I told her how on my girl trip I tried to just bring jeans because they go with everything.  I brought one pair of black pants.  It can’t look funny if I have to change.  I also said how there’s only so much room in my suitcase – only one.  She said about my carry-on.  I told her I have a nice backpack I’ll bring.  Last time we talked about how underwear is easy.  I can take a lot because they are so small.  “Yeah, just grab a bunch,” she told me.  We talked about how she said before that I may not be able to go to the Ruins.  She said not if it’s a 3 hour bus ride with no bathrooms.  I didn’t want to say but that was scaring me … why did she have to tell me that.  I just moved on.  I said how I don’t want to miss out because of this problem.  I love to go and explore and do and experience new things, cultures, people and such.  That’s the way I am.  And when we talked about flying I said how I love to fly but I don’t want turbulence and that one “throw up” video in the airplane really bothered me.  With her I didn’t see it up close but I watched it up close at home and it bothered me for a long time.  I won’t watch it at all before this trip.  She shook her head no.    We went back to again about products.  She said 2 Big Berthas, maybe 3.  For night or day?  Yes.  And one medium pad for each day so that would be 5.  How she knows I hate to think about that much less bring them.  I said ‘you’ but told her not meaning just her, really everyone.  “You go places.  You don’t have to worry about bringing extras stuff.  You sleep in other people’s beds.  You don’t have to worry about that.”  She knows … just listened and knows how frustrating this is to me.     Here’s what she wrote to me: Dear my name, I hope this trip is an enjoyable experience and that you can stay in the moment and take it all in.  You’ll never be here again.  You don’t need to explain anything or fear embarrassment.  If something happens you can handle it, get yourself comfortable and return your attention and excitement to the activity.  It is who you are.  Be your friendly self.  Reach out. Make great memories.  Place the negative ones somewhere out of the way.  Move ON! You deserve this trip and to fully enjoy it.  Get active, distracted by the present moment, (dance!) don’t allow shame to come on this trip.  Have a great time even if someone says something negative.  Bring back great pictures, Her name    I showed her pictures of last weekend and the boat ride we all took.  And how, with the kids it’s Nana! Nana! and I like that but sometimes too much is too much.  She agreed.  And at the restaurant I was crowded between the 2 kids (14 of us) and it was loud and I didn’t do much talking and I just got to thinking how no one has to deal with this problem like I do.  Made me feel really sad.  I talk a lot and am friendly not to think about it and I couldn’t this time.  And we had to divide the checks up, my husband was on call and we wanted to just leave.  I was willing to pay a little more than our share just to get out of there.  Then the kids stayed just a little bit when we got home.    We talked a little about my daughter’s weight.  She asked why I think she’s like that.  I said some of it is heredity – look at my husband.  But he once lost 100 pounds and looked really good and she can too.  I said how I don’t say anything to her about it because look how I look (I’m slender).  I leave her alone.  She said that’s best.  And she has so much going on (I remember when my kids were little and the Helen Reddy song “Leave Me Alone”) that I don’t bother her.  But when something is wrong she right away calls me and I talk to her.    She asked me about the phone call to my cell and wrote down a few notes (not too many) of what to say so I can listen from now until before I leave on Monday.  I told her, “You’ve done this enough.  You’ll know what to say.”  She said she’ll do it right away.  I gave her my cell number which I accidently gave her my husband’s – one digit away.  She called it 3 minutes after I left, he answered and she said she’s sorry she has the wrong number.  But why didn’t she just look up my number (it’s in my records right there in her office) and call me right back, right away?  When I got home and realized it I called her office to tell her, and my right cell phone number, but I could only leave a message.  I hope she listens to it.  Sometimes she saves my messages and doesn’t listen until just before I come in.  That’s not good.  I hope she calls and leaves that message!  I hope I don’t have to keep calling again and she’s not even listening!    This is what makes me mad about her.  Like one time I needed to know something over the weekend and she didn’t have my number with her and she could have just looked it up so I didn’t have to worry all weekend.  And another time I called about an appointment time she mixed up and she didn’t listen until just before I came in which was after one of the times.  She can’t do those things.  Gosh … she better call with that message.  She knows how important it is to me.  And she’s leaving town tomorrow.  I just have to have confidence she’ll call and leave me that message.  It’s just not as important to her as it is to me.  I hope it’s not that ‘only in that 1 hour box of time’ thing again.  I hope not.    She called tonight, 8:10PM, and left a message on my cell phone.  Yeah!  What a relief.  I didn’t want to call her and leave her another message not even knowing if she’s listening to it or not, didn’t want to bug her.  And, I didn’t want to think she forgot or just didn’t care.  She’s so nice and does such nice things out of her way I want to be able to continue to count on her and yes, she pulled through.  Thank you.  And, it was such a wonderful message.  Very well thought out and she talked about several themes related to all of this and she took her time – not rushed at all.  Just like today’s session (and pretty much always) she takes her time with me and is very patient with me.  She’s just awesome.  And, today how she came just for me after her seminar.  Very sweet!  Maybe she made me wait tonight on purpose just because she knows sometimes I get very impatient on certain things.  Don’t know.  Even when she was writing out that note to me today she was very passionate about what she was writing like she really meant all those things for me.    Here’s what she said: Hi, my name, it’s her name just calling to talk about some good thoughts to get you prepared for your really exciting vacation.  First of all just remember that the reason you are going is to have an adventure and to have a great time and this is just a wonderful blessing that you and your husband have this opportunity that there must be some bigger, better reason why you even won this trip.  So, first of all, stay focused on that and the gratitude you may feel about this wonderful opportunity.  Next, don’t spend too much time on focusing on packing.  Again, focus first on just the fun parts of packing, the clothes you want to bring.  And then perhaps give yourself maybe just a half and hour sometime this week to just do the more difficult packing.  Keep it contained to just a very short time and get it over with and just say it’s going to be enough.  And if it’s not when you get there you can solve anything else you need to because there will be things you can pick up while you are there if there’s something you run out of or you forget.    So we’ve, you’ve prepared, just remember you’ve prepared so much for all the possibilities.  You have all these possibilities within you and you can handle it if you just stay calm and if you just stay focused on whatever the fun things are you’re doing.    So between now and then I would just even maybe think about spending some time looking at pictures on the internet, about what you’re going to be doing.  Get yourself excited, read about it, just picture yourself on the beach.  Just really try to have a good time but stay busy with positive things when you get ready.  So, have a great trip and I know you can handle it.  I know you are going to make the most of everything and you’re gonna to have some great stories when you return.  So take care and be safe and I’ll see you when you get back.    When I was leaving I said “What are you going to do without seeing me?  You’ll be so happy.”  She just laughed along with me not saying yes or no.  Maybe she’s looking forward to the break.  Maybe she was just being agreeable.  She said she hopes to hear all the stories when I get back.  She said to have fun and I told her to have fun in Ohio (she’s leaving tomorrow).  Earlier I asked her about her Cruise she’s taking in September.  It’s from Monday – Friday and it starts on August 31.  We had talked on the way to the store about how an all inclusive resort is like a cruise – just on land.  My son was at one in Jamaica a while back with another family and he had a great time.  She knows I’ve been on a cruise once – a long time ago with my best friend who died.  So now I’m on my own.  I have a wonderful message she left me, I have a piece of paper to read whenever I want to and I have a wealth of information from all the sessions we have together.  Sometimes before a big event I call and leave a message with some self talk I have to do.  I hope I don’t have to do that and I can use the other things she “gave” me.  I only wish her well and the best for her for always.  As nice as she is she needs to get that niceness in return for herself.