My Life

Ok, So I have been with my husband for 14 years now, I think I'm fairly happy with him. We have been through many ups and downs throughout the years, which from what i'm understanding many marriages do. I didn't realize that this was going to be the toughest challenge I was ever going to encounter. I have been 100% faithful to my spouse since we been together.  Him on the other hand has not. I found out in 2002 that he was cheating on me, but not with a women, with a man. I think that's what hurt the most. I was pregnant with my 3rd child. He was feeling neglected and wanted to experiment at the time. I knew something was going on because he would run to the store and briing nothing home, or supposedly he had to work late, but the paychecks wouldn't add up to all the hours he was working. He would come home smelling of cigarettes and alcohol. I asked him about it, and of course he would deny it. Yet I stayed with him, call me old fashion, but, I was brought up that marriage is a sacred thing, and being catholic you don't get divorced and you work things out. Well, I finally got him to admit that he was having n extramarital affair. I told him it stops now, you have your family here, and if you want to keep us your family then you will stop. So, he did for a long while, in 2006 I guess he got the urge again, I got pretty clever and started checking his cell phone, called up friends that I know, who he worked with, and monitoring the mileage in our car. Well, my instinct were correct again, it's almost like he wanted to get caught though. he started taking viagra in 2007, I guess he just couldn't get up from the medication he was taking from his diabetes, or maybe it was just the diabetes. IDK, what his problem was, maybe he was bisexual and didn't feel he could tell me, cause the sex we had was amazing. I found out from reading his text that he was meeting someone at a hotel on my birthday, he told me he had to go to work. The next day he had went to the dr. and told him he was HIV+. He came home and told me. I was angry, upset, hurt, scared and depressed all at one time. He said I don't know why this happened to me, I told him I know why, you asshole. I know you were fucking other people, and i want to know why? I give it to you whenever and however you want it and i'm always up to try new things, positions etc. Is it me? Do you not find me attractive anymore? He said it was him, he was feeling neglected, I told him well raising 3 kids isn't easy, when it seems like i'm doing this on my own, the kids take up my time, the cooking takes up my time, and the cleaning takes up my time, your the only one that seems to get time to themselves and evidentually more than you should. I told him choose, the kids and I or go on your own, I have no problem raising my kids on my own, here's your chance to leave, but just keep in mind you walk out the doos we are finished for good! BTW, we won't be getting a divorce, I won't give you that satisfaction. He thought about it and stayed, The next day I schedule a HIV test for me and my kids. It was so frustrating waiting for the results, I kept thinking the worst. The result finally came in they were negative, Woo Hoo! or so I thought. I didn't realize it took about 6 months for HIV to reach your system. I didn't even think twice to get checked again. Needless to say, since I found out about my husband in cheating and being HIV+, I cut him off from sex. In 2008 I lost my job, which means my medical coverage too! I finally got medical coverage again this year in March. My husband had got so sick in February and I took him to the ER, they ran all these test on him and we found out his HIV staus changed to AIDS. So, in March I got to see a brand new Dr. told her about my husband, and she decided that we are going to do a complete physical, and check for all types of STD including HIV. I had started losing alot of weight, and getting sick all the time. I figured I just had the Flu. My Dr. got my results back and had me come in to tell me the results. I told her ok, even though it was my birthday. What a birthday present to find out I was HIV+. All I could think of is why me, I have always been true to this marriage. But I'm the type of person that was raised to believe things happen for a reason. So, here I am today, still feeling exhausted on days or nausea's from the meds I'm taking, trying to control my diabetes, which isn't easy cause the meds i'm taking for the HIV are giving me high reading for my blood sugar. I just want to feel like myself again. Happy, energetic, and able to play with my kids without having to rest so often. Well, that's about it in a nutshell, I just needed to vent before I exploded. Thank you my friend whoever takes the time to read this. Any opinins or questions just let me know.

Replies

mark1424
mark1424

Ceci honey, this is a tough one. Cause it can go in either direction. Only you know from all the evidence & facts that you behold. PLEASE, don\'t take it personal, for there isn\'t a itinerary for someone to figure out who they may be w/ subliminal messages from their feelings, or just plain Bi sexual. ALSO, Ceci, I would bet my life, that He never wanted to hurt you or disappoint you! Unfortunately though, it is what it is. How about extenuating (sp?) circumstances that may involve another obsession or addiction? Nevertheless, my God you are an admirable woman & meticulous to all brainstorms. I am so sorry that you are in such inner turmoil & possible regret. One thing that you have to remember is it is time to be responsible for your new situation ( regardless of the facts ). Honey, I lost My soulmate to ovarian cancer & totally lost all desire to continue to live ( also HIV+ \'27yrs\'). I think I feel your despair, & I have no kids. This will be tough, regardless of your decision. Continue to reachout & get it out, weather you believe it or not, you are trying to help yourself. God bless you & so so much luck in your new journey. Mark xxx
deleted_user
deleted_user

Nothing i can say can make this better for you but i will say sorry and i do feel your pain! This like this make me question how the world really works and why bad things happen to good people. Im sure you were a GREAT wife and a GREAT mother yet because what your he CHOOSE to do you also must suffer. And things like this make me question WHY. How could something like this happen and what can someone do. I think you are a VERY VERY strong lady and wish the best for you and everyone else who also must may the price for someones else mistakes.