My Journal

I grew up in a christian home. good parents. excellent neighborhood. Mom and Dad both worked. dad and older brother teased me. very lonely. no personal friends in elementaryntly  school. Joined band in junior high. found out i had a talent for clarinet. persued it to college level. held 1st chair. miss that. junior high and highschool: was constantly teased by band members cause i was tallented. seriously fell in love my junior year. his parents didn't like me. i kept handing him the ring back to please his parents, but he wouldn't accept it. two months from graduation, someone started a rumor i was pregnant. that made the teasing worse. i did not fornicate with my boy friend ever. the school administration kept pulling me into their offices about my "pregnancy". his mother called my mom and demanded an answer. my mother found out i was having a period and told her. he ran away from home. his mother showed up at my door with a love letter that stated i liked holding his hand. she accused me of sexually fornicating with him. they found out where he was and called the police. she wouldn't let me see him anymore. but we went to the same school. he went back home. the second night i attempted suicide. i went to school anyway because it didn't work. i started gaining weight like crazy. when he graduated, his mom told him he couldn't date me. she moved him to a campground for the summer. that's where he met his wife. i mailed his ring to him because there was a rumor he had a new girl. his brother started the rumor. his brother kept forcing his friends sister on him. they started dating. she showed up at his door step pregnant. they didn't have sex, but he thought it was his.  He married her on Dec.25, 1969. That night i attempted suicide because i missed him so much. i was sitting at my window that night and wishing he would call or drive by. his parents black cadillac drove by in the dark and i thought it was him wanting out of the marriage. i threw up the medication and promised God i'd never attempt suicide again. Two months after they were married, she had her baby. he was blind, cerybral palsy, and severely mentally impaired. he never walked. he's in a state facility now. I received a card from someone signed "A Fool". at the time, i was engaged to someone else. i kept getting hangup phone calls. Finally two weeks before i was to leave for Bob Jones University, he called me. Satan was tempting me with him. He wanted me to move in with him. he left his wife because she finally told him the baby wasn't his.  I went to school anywhere, but thats when the nightmares started. I cried through the whole four years of school. when a dating activity came up (and i had to attend), i was always alone. i didn't get asked out very much and my roommates where dating all the time and falling in love and talking about their guys in the room. I had six roomates. All i did was be depressed and cry. i thought often about jumping from the balcony of the fine arts theatre. Then i graduated. got a job at a christian school that didn't pay me enough to live on. My boss kept threatening to fire me. i walked out. he got fired the next week. I got a job in chicago and rode the south shore train. everynight on the ride home i cried wishing he was there to meet me. i cried at lunch everyday. i had a car wreck my junior summer and the guy was suing my parents for $200,000 and my dad was made at me. then i met my husband and things were looking up. he was a BJ grad and rode the train. the lawsuit got settled. He told me he didn't want kids. i did. we got married anyway. he joined the army. we ended here and bought a house. i had a nervous breakdown one month after he got out of the army and went into clinical depression. What a rollercoaster from then on. i had to quite my job. go on meds after meds. i finally got on the right meds 10 years after the breakdown. well, thats enough for now. drena