my husband completed suicide December 22, 2008

Hi, my name is Debbie. My husband completed suicide December 22, 2008. We had a terrible fight over his meth use and had already lost $50,000 in savings, charged alot on credit cards and lost our home to foreclosure in July of 2008. We then rented a home and he said it would be a new beginning. A couple of weeks before Christmas he mentioned taking our 18' 1976 camper to a friend's lot in the country and living in it. My job was the only source of income and when it was apparent (hallucinations)he was using again I lost my temper. I said horrible things that I can never take back. I told him I hated him and I wanted him dead. I did not mean it, but I said it. I think I wanted him to hurt as much as I did and I was hoping somethimg would snap him to his senses. I was at the end of my rope and wanted him to know that I could not go on like this. Shawn was 59 years old and had been a sniper for the Marines in Vietnam. His sister and I tried to get him help several times but, he refused to admit he had a problem. The last time I saw him was December 20th. Shawn said he gave both our Borzoi to a rescue organization and I didn't believe him. I thought he took them to a friend's house just to scare me. I was wrong. He would usually leave for a couple of weeks and clean himself up and then come home and promise to never use again. On December 23rd I decided to call him because I really wanted him home for Christmas. After all we'd been through, I had always loved him. I left a message on his answer machine. I told him I was sorry and I only said those things because I was so upset. I told him to please come home so we could talk and work it out. I told him I loved him. A sheriff called me back. Shawn went to the foothills and parked his truck. He then ran tubing from his muffler to the cab. My first thought was "how will I be able to live the rest of my life  with this guilt"?  He had threatened suicide many times while he was using meth and I had called the police in the past. But not this time. Everyday is a struggle. I experience many emotions. Most of the time I experience several emotions at once. Disbelief, shock, guilt, sorrow, loss, numbness and anger are a few. In the beginning I wanted to die. I wanted to go to him and tell him I was sorry. My mind is still so very unclear. I have filed bankruptcy and I had spinal surgery June 2nd for a back injury at work. My children, grandchildren and my ex-husband have gotten me to this point. Without them, I'm not sure I'd be here. I'm sorry this is so long. Please be my friend.