MY HEARTACHES
Someone wrote on my Facebook about Cancer and the effects. Wanted us who read it to forward it...here was my reply: IT MAY BE A BIT HARD FOR ONES DEALING WITH IT...
WHAT'S CANCER
I WATCH CANCER EAT MY SON AWAY..IT TOOK HIS SPEECH...HIS ABILITY TO FORM WORDS..OR HOW TO LET ME KNOW HE NEEDED TO GO TO THE BATHROOM SITTING ON THE END OF THE COUCH CRYING CAUSE HE COULD NOT SAY THE WORDS OR GET ME TO UNDERSTAND..HE GOT TO THE POINT OF BEING PARALYZED FIRST ON ONE SIDE..THEN IN THE HOSPITAL THE MACHINES THAT KEPT HIM LIVING WERE VERY PAINFUL ..WE HAD TO SUCTION THEM CONSTANTLY OR HE WOULD HAVE CHOCKED TO DEATH..AND DOING THAT YOU SEEN THE PAIN ACROSS HIS FACE EVEN THOUGHNHE WAS ON LOTS OF MEDS ..THE DRS SAID AS AN ELEPHANT SITTING ON HIS CHEST AS WE DID THE SUCTION..AS I WATCHED DAILY FOR 28 MONTHS MY SON BEING TAKEN AWAY PIECE BY PIECE...TAKEN FROM ME HIS MOM, HIS FAMILY..THE HORROR STILL HAUNTS ME TODAY AS I FIGHT PTS SO I DO NOT SEE IN MY MIND MY SON SITTING ON THE EDGE OF THAT COUCH OR CRYING BECAUSE HE CANT PULL UP HIS PANTS BUT ENOUGH PRIDE STILL DIDN'T WANT MOM TO SEE..SEEING HIM POINT AT HIS HEAD WANTING TO KNOW WHY....WHATS WRONG..WATCHING PILLS TAKE MORE OF HIM AWAY...WONDERING WHY HE CANT SPEAK, FORM SORDS...I COULD GO ON AND ON AS I HELD HIS HAND BEGGING GOD TO HEAL HIM ON THE DAY THE DRS SAID WAS THE END WONDERING HOW THEY KNEW..SEEING HIS KIDNEYS SHUT DOWN...STILL BELIVING IN A MIRACLE...UNTIL THAT NIGHT DEC 30,2009,AS I SAT HOLDING HIS HAND NOT KNOWING IF HE COULD EVEN FEEL ME, AS MY OTHER HAND ON HIS HEART AS THE MACHINE KEPT HIM THERE BUT ONLY FOR A FEW HOURS..FEELING THE BEAT OF HIS HEART..UNTIL THE MACHINES STARTED RACING, HIS BLOOD PRESSURE GOIG HIGH THEN VERY LOW..STILL HOLDING ON TO FAITH EVEN AS THE END DREW NEAR AND AS I SAT THERE HOLDING HIS HAND..THE MACHINES SOUND DIFFERENT HIS BREATHING BECOME SHALLOW.....IN JUST A SHORT TIME ALL SOUNDS STOPPED...THE HEARTBEAT UNDER MY HAND IS NO LONGER BEATING...HIS SPIRIT HIS SOUL NOW IN THE ARMS OF JESUS A MOM WITH A BROKEN HEAT STILL BROKEN SIX YEARS LATER...WATCHING WHAT HAD BEEN YOUR SMART VIBRERATE SON ONLY A SHELL OF A BODY THIS IS CANCER ITS WHAT IT CAN DO..ARE THE MACHINES, THE TREATMENT WORTH IT..THAT HAS TO BE THE PERSONS CHOICE...BUT I SIT HERE WRITTING THIS A BROKEN HEARTED MOM NEVER TO HEAL THIS IS ONLY A SMALL PART OF CANCER, BUT A VERY LARGE PART OF CANCER.
EVEN AS I WRITE THIS I KNOW OF THOSE WHO HAVE SURVIVED, WITH OR WITH TREATMENT...THE REASON I WROTE THIS TO HER WAS IN RESPONSE TO HER STATEMENT....THIS PERSON WHO IS ONE OF US...BUT REFUSES TO SPEAK OF HER CHILD DEATH...THIS IS A PERSON I GREW UP WITH, BEST FRIENDS...BUT OUT OF THIS CAME...SHE SHARED WITH ME THAT SHE TOO HAD LOST A CHILD...I KNOW AND KNEW SHE HAD AND HOW...BUT NEVER WOULD SHE TALK ABOUT IT...MAYBE THOUGH I WROTE FROM MY HEART...THE PAIN I FEEL..MAYBE SHE WILL KNOW SHE IS NOT ALONE...SHE IS A PART OF US...SHE NEEDS US. I HOPE ONE DAY SHE WILL FIND A WAY TO HEAL....OR AS WE DO STRUGGLE TO HEAL
WHAT'S CANCER
I WATCH CANCER EAT MY SON AWAY..IT TOOK HIS SPEECH...HIS ABILITY TO FORM WORDS..OR HOW TO LET ME KNOW HE NEEDED TO GO TO THE BATHROOM SITTING ON THE END OF THE COUCH CRYING CAUSE HE COULD NOT SAY THE WORDS OR GET ME TO UNDERSTAND..HE GOT TO THE POINT OF BEING PARALYZED FIRST ON ONE SIDE..THEN IN THE HOSPITAL THE MACHINES THAT KEPT HIM LIVING WERE VERY PAINFUL ..WE HAD TO SUCTION THEM CONSTANTLY OR HE WOULD HAVE CHOCKED TO DEATH..AND DOING THAT YOU SEEN THE PAIN ACROSS HIS FACE EVEN THOUGHNHE WAS ON LOTS OF MEDS ..THE DRS SAID AS AN ELEPHANT SITTING ON HIS CHEST AS WE DID THE SUCTION..AS I WATCHED DAILY FOR 28 MONTHS MY SON BEING TAKEN AWAY PIECE BY PIECE...TAKEN FROM ME HIS MOM, HIS FAMILY..THE HORROR STILL HAUNTS ME TODAY AS I FIGHT PTS SO I DO NOT SEE IN MY MIND MY SON SITTING ON THE EDGE OF THAT COUCH OR CRYING BECAUSE HE CANT PULL UP HIS PANTS BUT ENOUGH PRIDE STILL DIDN'T WANT MOM TO SEE..SEEING HIM POINT AT HIS HEAD WANTING TO KNOW WHY....WHATS WRONG..WATCHING PILLS TAKE MORE OF HIM AWAY...WONDERING WHY HE CANT SPEAK, FORM SORDS...I COULD GO ON AND ON AS I HELD HIS HAND BEGGING GOD TO HEAL HIM ON THE DAY THE DRS SAID WAS THE END WONDERING HOW THEY KNEW..SEEING HIS KIDNEYS SHUT DOWN...STILL BELIVING IN A MIRACLE...UNTIL THAT NIGHT DEC 30,2009,AS I SAT HOLDING HIS HAND NOT KNOWING IF HE COULD EVEN FEEL ME, AS MY OTHER HAND ON HIS HEART AS THE MACHINE KEPT HIM THERE BUT ONLY FOR A FEW HOURS..FEELING THE BEAT OF HIS HEART..UNTIL THE MACHINES STARTED RACING, HIS BLOOD PRESSURE GOIG HIGH THEN VERY LOW..STILL HOLDING ON TO FAITH EVEN AS THE END DREW NEAR AND AS I SAT THERE HOLDING HIS HAND..THE MACHINES SOUND DIFFERENT HIS BREATHING BECOME SHALLOW.....IN JUST A SHORT TIME ALL SOUNDS STOPPED...THE HEARTBEAT UNDER MY HAND IS NO LONGER BEATING...HIS SPIRIT HIS SOUL NOW IN THE ARMS OF JESUS A MOM WITH A BROKEN HEAT STILL BROKEN SIX YEARS LATER...WATCHING WHAT HAD BEEN YOUR SMART VIBRERATE SON ONLY A SHELL OF A BODY THIS IS CANCER ITS WHAT IT CAN DO..ARE THE MACHINES, THE TREATMENT WORTH IT..THAT HAS TO BE THE PERSONS CHOICE...BUT I SIT HERE WRITTING THIS A BROKEN HEARTED MOM NEVER TO HEAL THIS IS ONLY A SMALL PART OF CANCER, BUT A VERY LARGE PART OF CANCER.
EVEN AS I WRITE THIS I KNOW OF THOSE WHO HAVE SURVIVED, WITH OR WITH TREATMENT...THE REASON I WROTE THIS TO HER WAS IN RESPONSE TO HER STATEMENT....THIS PERSON WHO IS ONE OF US...BUT REFUSES TO SPEAK OF HER CHILD DEATH...THIS IS A PERSON I GREW UP WITH, BEST FRIENDS...BUT OUT OF THIS CAME...SHE SHARED WITH ME THAT SHE TOO HAD LOST A CHILD...I KNOW AND KNEW SHE HAD AND HOW...BUT NEVER WOULD SHE TALK ABOUT IT...MAYBE THOUGH I WROTE FROM MY HEART...THE PAIN I FEEL..MAYBE SHE WILL KNOW SHE IS NOT ALONE...SHE IS A PART OF US...SHE NEEDS US. I HOPE ONE DAY SHE WILL FIND A WAY TO HEAL....OR AS WE DO STRUGGLE TO HEAL
Replies
Our pain continues. I too prayed and I am with you on this journey. It just stinks. Wishing you some peace. Kathy
Thank you for sharing. Tight hugs, M
Sandi, I am sorry for all the pain and suffering you had to endure in watching your son suffer so much, and then to lose him to the horror of Cancer. Hoping you will soon find some peace and comfort. Love, Katrina
When my son died, I used to hate when people would say \"I can\'t imagine\". They can\'t and I wanted to shake them. Yet, I read your words and that\'s what comes to my mind. I\'m so sorry. I have never seen that side of cancer and it\'s horrible. Perhaps that\'s why that mother can\'t talk about it. It must be too difficult for her. Thank you for sharing your story. You are loved. Robin
I saw my MIL pass from CA, my SIL passed of CA. Hubby would not go back to see his sister before she died. She tried to help me when Mike died because her son Lu died just 11 months earlier. I cannot begin to know the pain of taking care of a child as you did. My son died in his sleep unknown by me that he was as sick as the autopsy said.
We are all here on this journey holding each other up along the way.
Tight hugs
Penny
Hugs...Kathy
We are each so very different in how we navigate this unknown territory that we find ourselves in. Placed down in the middle with no signs, no road maps and a lot of mountains to climb. Prayerful for those valley experiences when we can perhaps catch our breath and rest up a bit before starting to trek once again.
I have found that grief waits for us no matter how long it may take to begin to gently peel back the layers one by one on our timetable. I truly believe this is the one grace that I was given, I only had to begin and look at what I could for each day and sometimes I could even \"stuff\" it all back on the shelf until it came toppling down on my head once again.
I am SO sorry that your dear Kenny suffered from the ravages of cancer and I have lost dear family members and friends to it. I do try to imagine as best as I can and never say to anyone, \"I just can\'t imagine...\" because just like Robin that sends me wanting to run screaming to the hills. I truly believe we are called upon to try to imagine as best as we are are able because that is what grows hearts and compassion.
Loving care to you dear Sandi, as you continue to peel each layer back one by one and know that your Kenny matters as do YOU.
XO Joanie
As I read this, I was wishing that I was there to hug you. I hope your friend finds her way to healing. It is truly a long process.
Sending love,
Leda
Sandi, as I read your journal I cried because so much of the way you described the pain that Kenny endured was the awful pain that my Jeff went thru too. You were begging for a miracle for your son the same way that I was for my Jeff. But to no avail, Jeff continued to suffer till he took his last breath. My heart breaks for you My Friend...Love and hugs, Nell