My Girl Trip

I’m sorry I haven’t written for a while and I’ve been back from my Girl Trip for several days now.  This isn’t going to be as long and detailed as usual because time has passed and things have faded and I’ve already discussed many things with my therapist in the 2 sessions I’ve been back (Tues & Thurs).  And, honestly many things that happened I just want to forget and not even go into detail about.  Especially detail about the accidents.  Sometimes I feel like “enough is enough” to help me move on.    This trip itself was great.  We did lots of things, saw lots of sights and had many good laughs and good times.  Last year we had 4 days and 3 nights and this time was 5 days and 4 nights.  Everything sped by so fast we didn’t even notice the extra day/night.  On the way home we were talking about where to go next year and talked about the ‘rainbow’ of same t-shirts we bought this time to make it a tradition.  The downside was that I’m so much faster than they are – they can be so slow.  I’m such a take charge leader type of person that I’m always the one going ahead of them and getting them going.  One of my friends, who has OCD, was especially slow and it really bothered me.  And, I had about 4 or 5 accidents – most in or around the car but one on the streets while walking.  I wet my bed 2 times out of the 4 nights (I had Big Bertha on and that was so hard to hide and juggle around so no one would know besides the bad feelings wearing it).  And 2 of them gave me a hard time about getting out of the car and going to the bathroom or changing on the side of the road where no one was.  One especially and she later called me and told me she thought I was giving her sister looks about her and the other girl so she gave me a hard time as payback!  Can you imagine!  It’s so Junior High-ish.  My therapist did call and leave a message on my cell phone for the week before I went while she was going to be out of town that week.  She also called and left a message Thursday morning while we were on the road and left me a message.  Those messages are great and so helpful especially if something happens.  That’s the first thing I do when I get a chance is listen.  Then she called me Thursday night (they only time I got to talk to her), Saturday night and Monday evening.  I wish, though she would have called earlier on Monday and I’m not sure why she waited so long – I was on my way home.  Even if I didn’t talk to her I would have liked another message to listen to.  I so much appreciate the phone calls!  I did call 2 times the night I got back because she said she’d see me the next day at 1:00 and I had 2:00 written down.  I didn’t know which it was and I also was upset and needed to talk a little about what my friend called about and told me.  But she didn’t listen to the messages until 1:00 when she had her lunch.  She said she saw them and just saved them.  She had her last radiation treatment today (yeah!) but see – she should have listened because it was important she needed to call me back so I knew the correct time.  I even had to call another time that next day because she wasn’t calling me back and I needed to know.  Makes me feel not important and put off to the side that she did that.  She did apologize.    So Tuesday we talked a lot about my friend who gave me a hard time as payback.  I think she has a lot of jealousy issues between her and her sister.  I was made to feel badly about what I did by the car and my therapist told me it was OK.  It was how I could handle things at the time and I was careful that no one was around to see anything.  And how I tried to explain to my other friend it’s a psychological thing the reason I don’t wear diapers.  It’s an ‘I can do it’ thing and they feel bad.  The third friend was very sweet and understanding through all this and even handed me my plastic bag in an instant as soon as I mentioned it in the car.  My therapist said to talk to her but I don’t want to talk to anyone more about this problem.    She said if I go to the bathroom 10-20 (not 20!) times a day that the amount of accidents I had was 95% so I did have a high success rate.  I told her I wanted 0 times.  I think she said that to make me feel not so bad – to put it in perspective in a different way.  The next time she said to be prepared for one accident every time I go on a longer outing.  No – no accidents!  But is that real?  She was going by percentages.  She also tried to make me feel better by focusing that they did things that put people out more than I did.  We talked about – and she knows – how quick I am and I said they talked about at least it’s not accidents with number 2.  Yeah.  My friend said 99% of the time I make it to the bathroom in time.  I told her sometimes I hide it – I’ve gotten good at it over the years.  And it has gotten worse over the years.  And I did say to them I’m glad they are laughing because this could make me very upset.  So, see – I talked about the feelings part about it a little.  My therapist said maybe if they knew the insecurities I have about it they wouldn’t have given me such a hard time.  At least they didn’t find out about nighttime – thank goodness.  It was just kind of damp but for the most part Big Bertha worked.    When I came back on Thursday I told her my friend called me back to tell me she has shingles but didn’t say a word about our previous conversation thank goodness.  We also went through the cards in the worry box as closure to the trip.  I think 8 were true, 9 half and half and 12 not true at all.  Surprisingly better than I thought.  I told her how we have to start all over again with my trip with my husband.  She laughed and gave me a look and I said not as intense at all.  I told her how my friends don’t see my insecurities at all.  In fact I’m very, very confident about the whole thing in front of them.  She for sure sees my insecurities and I think she knows this.  I showed her pictures.  She said I look so much younger than my friends.  In the pictures I’m very attractive looking and look more thinner and more fit than them.  She said maybe my friend also did that because people who have weight issues tend to think thinner people don’t have any problems at all and this was the only thing she could use.  Of all things to do this to me about - I’m thinking!  She told me she saw someone earlier today that, at the end, had to go to the bathroom real bad and didn’t know there was one there in the suite.  My therapist knew she wasn’t going to make it down the hall so she showed her to the one in the suite.  She doesn’t know what happened because she left after that.  She said she never mentioned anything about it before and she was a little younger than me.  Then she said, “See, you’re not the only one.”  I’m not sure how to take that.  At least I can wait a little bit and she made it seem like this person couldn’t at all and it happened so suddenly.  But she also doesn’t know if she had to go for a while and just didn’t say anything.  I just have to forget it.    The times I had to go to the bathroom during the session these two session, I told her I just wanted to go and not wait.  She said yes, ‘go’ because I’ve worked so hard on this.  I just didn’t want to deal with it.  I had enough for a while.  But I did tell her I didn’t drink very much during the trip and I went so much preventatively that I can tell the difference.  My bladder didn’t get a chance to stretch or expand.  I need to start doing that again (both more drinking and waiting longer) because even last night I needed to go for only a minute or two and I started going.  That’s not good.  I just couldn’t do that at all this week but yes, I’ll have to get back to it next week.  That’ll be a goal.     We talked a little about the Komen Race For The Cure.  She’s going this year and she even gets a pink t-shirt because she’s a survivor.  I told her how I don’t want to go because last time the lines were so long I had to find a place where no one was to go between the cars.  And they (well 2 of them) made such a big deal about it on the trip I just don’t want to go.  She made it sound like it’s OK not to go but I feel like I’m letting my problem rule and control me and I don’t like that.  This is not good.  This is something I need to talk more about on Monday when I see her next.  Just like I told her when we were leaving the hotel I thought about all the hiding I had to do this whole trip.  And she comment that’s what we are trying to move away from.  Yes.  I have a wedding shower to go to this Sunday and they will all be there plus people I don’t even know.  I told her I’ll just be myself and be as friendly as I usually am.  But for some reason I’m not feeling that way now.  And, I don’t even know the rest of the people very much at all or none.  I don’t want any problems.  I’m just feeling more scared than usual this time.    When I go see her next Monday I’d like to work on goals – general goals – now that is trip is over.  We need to work on other things.  Maybe she’ll write them down.  But I’m feeling kind of badly and let down.  We worked so hard in preparation for this trip.  All the exposures, the practices, the talking and such.  And it worked – it did.  But now the trip is over and we don’t have to do that anymore (for a while anyway) but I’m feeling like my problem isn’t gone.  I want it to be!!!!!!  It’s an every day – several times a day – thing for me.  And I want it gone just like the preparation is gone.  And it’s not.  It’s the reality of it and it’s bugging me.  Plus, I don’t know why – and it’s not anything she can do about it – I’m wetting my bed every night again since I’ve been home.  I hate when I do that.  It doesn’t happen very often but once in a while.   She can’t stop it but maybe she can help me figure out a way to stop it.  But then that’s talking about it again.  I can’t win.  My next life I won’t have this problem – I guarantee it!