My Friend
I can't remember if I've written about this or not. I thought I had, but I don't see it anywhere. Maybe it was in a thread instead of in my journal. Or maybe I was just scared she might join the site and realize who I was and be angry that I was writing about her.
At any rate, my friend's husband cheated on her. I suspect he's cheated on her in the past. More than once, if I had money to bet. She's discovered proof in the past of at least an emotional affair online, but she swore it was "just instant messaging" and nothing more and that it could be forgiven/excused. Who am I to say? It's her life. Well, she discovered more "proof" of wrong doing recently when she saw a ton of texts/calls from one particular number on her husband's cell phone bill. He excused it (again) with "Oh yeah, I was GOING to cheat, but I didn't and yay now we can work on our marriage!"
Then he promptly went on a "hunting weekend" - yeah. Right. He spent the weekend having sex with the other woman.
And the OW got all psycho and sent photos of the weekend to my friend.
All this is hers to deal with. I'm trying so hard to support her as I know how, but she keeps sticking her head neatly back in the sand. She wants so badly to keep looking on the bright side and to see the good and to hope for the best and... I want that for her. Trust me, I do. But. A healthy dose of reality is necessary, too.
It's exhausting. And all this is very triggering to me. It stirs up all sorts of distrust and fear in me regarding my own husband. I've been checking his phone records again. I've found absolutely NOTHING of interest, thankfully, but it's hard to battle these feelings. It's so hard to keep reminding myself, "This is my friend's situation, NOT mine."
I feel this little distance growing between my husband and I and I feel myself pushing him away emotionally. It's only in tiny ways, and I doubt he's even really noticed (yet) but it scares me and I don't have any good tools or coping mechanisms to put a firm stop on this slipping. It's like I have to protect myself from him all over again... and he's not even the one who screwed up.
I've avoided reading too many of the Infidelity threads because I know it'll only make matters worse. I went poking around today and just felt this defeated sense of, "Why bother? We're all going to fail, anyway?" It's not right and I know it's not helpful, but it's really hard not to see what my friend is going through and to see inevitable failure (because they aren't taking what I feel are the right steps toward recovery) and not worry about my OWN situation.
She's too close to her own poo to smell it.
Am I too close to mine? Are things as well as I thought they were?
At any rate, my friend's husband cheated on her. I suspect he's cheated on her in the past. More than once, if I had money to bet. She's discovered proof in the past of at least an emotional affair online, but she swore it was "just instant messaging" and nothing more and that it could be forgiven/excused. Who am I to say? It's her life. Well, she discovered more "proof" of wrong doing recently when she saw a ton of texts/calls from one particular number on her husband's cell phone bill. He excused it (again) with "Oh yeah, I was GOING to cheat, but I didn't and yay now we can work on our marriage!"
Then he promptly went on a "hunting weekend" - yeah. Right. He spent the weekend having sex with the other woman.
And the OW got all psycho and sent photos of the weekend to my friend.
All this is hers to deal with. I'm trying so hard to support her as I know how, but she keeps sticking her head neatly back in the sand. She wants so badly to keep looking on the bright side and to see the good and to hope for the best and... I want that for her. Trust me, I do. But. A healthy dose of reality is necessary, too.
It's exhausting. And all this is very triggering to me. It stirs up all sorts of distrust and fear in me regarding my own husband. I've been checking his phone records again. I've found absolutely NOTHING of interest, thankfully, but it's hard to battle these feelings. It's so hard to keep reminding myself, "This is my friend's situation, NOT mine."
I feel this little distance growing between my husband and I and I feel myself pushing him away emotionally. It's only in tiny ways, and I doubt he's even really noticed (yet) but it scares me and I don't have any good tools or coping mechanisms to put a firm stop on this slipping. It's like I have to protect myself from him all over again... and he's not even the one who screwed up.
I've avoided reading too many of the Infidelity threads because I know it'll only make matters worse. I went poking around today and just felt this defeated sense of, "Why bother? We're all going to fail, anyway?" It's not right and I know it's not helpful, but it's really hard not to see what my friend is going through and to see inevitable failure (because they aren't taking what I feel are the right steps toward recovery) and not worry about my OWN situation.
She's too close to her own poo to smell it.
Am I too close to mine? Are things as well as I thought they were?
Replies
Resist comparing! Every situation is unique and different, as are every CS and BS. I stopped going to the boards for the same reason, because they were triggering me too much. Since this is your friend, it will be hard for you to avoid her because you want to be a good and supportive friend; however, if it is causing you too much pain, you are allowed to set boundaries. Unfortunately, this is a process she needs to go through and if her husband is truly not redeeemable, she will find out soon enough. Take care of you!
I found out not too long ago that one of my friends was having what I\'d call a revenge affair on her husband. He cheated on her a little over a year ago physically, and for a few months apparently she\'s been cheating on him emotionally and now physically as well. I had to stop talking to her. As awful as that was, I voiced my opinion about how I thought she was going about things the wrong way and she needed to talk to her husband, but it didn\'t matter.
I\'d see her do things like text this other guy all the time. She\'d talk to him when her husband was at work. She had him saved in her phone under the name Andrea. And it all made me feel really sad and scared about my own relationship again.
I guess what I\'m trying to say is that what you\'re feeling is normal, in my opinion. And if you distance yourself from your friend some, I see no problem in that. Some people just do not want to be helped, and we have to live with that. I know it\'s hard, but try not to let it influence your relationship or ruin your progress.