My Flow Of Thoughts After Reading My Ex Gf's Journal.. A Year After I Was Meant To.

Wow i just read stuff i was suppose to read over a year ago.
I didn't realise how much of a monster I am.. or was anyway.
I didn't know I could hurt someone that much. Without even realising it.
I just didn't know that someone could actually love me that much. I mean really there's no reason to.
Well what i read won't be leaving my head anyime soon. or the guilt that comes along with it.
Never would I EVER think this would happen.
I don't think she realised that it was hard for me too.
That i cried for weeks and even months later I still confessed and moaned to my friend that i still miss her.
Try loving someone that much for so long and then everything just changed.
I probably should have stuck out the hard parts. Because she really was worth it.
I wonder if she looks back on it now.
She's the one that has moved on and I'm just left behind.
I suppose i deserve it tho.
I don't deserve her.
Especially after what i've put her through.
Maybe she'll see this in a years time.
That'd be weird.
I wonder if we'll be friends then.. Hopefully.
Yesterday was her birthday.
I looked at my phone all day, debating whether to wish her a good birthday.
Probably sounds stupid ..
I even asked 3 friends if they think i should text her.
Of course i knew they're answer before i even asked.
They think i was gonna go back to her.
Not that she'd want me.
I suppose that just don't understand that i can't.
Not after what i did.
I hope she doesn't hate me. But she probably does.
Well i kno that her friends hate me. And I don't blame them.
Right now i hate me.
And it's been over a year.
Wow didn't know how much i was rambling on here. Well I didn't really plan on writing anything.
Just a flow of thoughts that are coming into my head.
Trust me to be on the phone when i was reading them to myself. Started crying.
Poor Emma hadn't a clue what was going on.
Kinda wish i said Happy birthday to her now.
She was 18. Big birthday.
But they assured me she had enough people wishing her a happy birthday all day.
I really have to drop that.
Right so I'm done with the thinking.
Off to Emma's in the sun and ice pops.
And I'm sure a big long chat too.
No bloddy secrets from that one!