My First Step

Today is My First Step towards understanding alcoholism n its functions , its monsters , its evolution in the transformation of my boyfriend , into a Mr. Jackel n Hyde and no punt intended on the Hyde , because when Mr. Jackel gets drunk n blacks out to Mr. Hyde , he hides in the black out n when he comes to,  in the morning of the next day , after the dust has settle n everything seems normal another day , He rises with a smile , a kiss on his lips and an I Love U in his wrenching breath . All I feel is numbed n exhausted n beside myself n I can not wrap my emotions n feelings of disappointment n hopelessness around his smile . Thursday night of January 21 , 2016 my boyfriend turned into the Incredible Hulk n Satan all in One , after what he thought was ONLY 4 BEERS . Friday morning of January 22 , 2016 he didn't remember the night before , so he tells me again , I blacked out  and I DON'T REMEMBER . Saturday of January 23 , 2016 I go with him to his First AA meeting in a long time , and I resent him n his lies n his broken promises n I can not stand his face nor touch , well not my boyfriend but the monster that possesses him in The Blackout , I hate n detest n yet I have compassion for it, rather for my boyfriend , I am confused n am a robot all day today n all day Sunday on January 24 , 2016 . Sunday morning we spoke what needed to be communicated but I was beat down so hard this last blow out , it left me empty n not so much love in my heart for him nor strength for me , absolutely no FALSE PRETENSES TODAY , he felt my absence all day even though we did our errands together , I was distant n he was alone n he is never ever alone when with me . He objected !!!! Omg